Feelings in First entry

So, last night it happened. She shared her thoughts and feelings. I tried to listen with the intent to understand and let her share. As I reflect on it, I see there are plenty of things I could have done better. I see where I need to improve, but at least it’s a start.

This morning my heart feels heavy. She talked about the reason she reached out to her ex and how he told her he had changed and respected the sanctity of marriage. That was what made her decide she was leaving. This stung. It was like a knife to the heart. I realize we have hurt each other and the cycle has to be broken. The conversation was about 25 minutes long, but as I said, it’s a start.

She told me she still isn’t fully in love with me at this point. That wasn’t a surprise necessarily. I know that will take some time. But, she did say she is starting to see that it could be possible. One of the questions she asked that I was surprised at the answer I gave was if she said she was leaving today, would I be ok with that. I told her I would be disappointed, but I would respect her decision. I would still continue to work on myself and not give up hope. My goal wasn’t to change myself so she would stay. I’m working on myself to be a better person. The reason I was surprised is I actually felt that way. I want to be the best me possible. I love her and only desire her.l, but I realize, much like Jasmine from the movie Aladdin, she isn’t mine to own or control.

My heart still feels heavy with guilt and i can see she is feeling the same guilt. Though i believe her guilt is due to the fact she realizes she isn’t at the same spot I am emotionally. I told her this morning that is ok. We are at different stages. The key is we are working in the same direction and I believe she will get there.

I fear giving her this space will embolden her to explore other options, but I realize if I don’t allow her to choose we can never have the chance to move forward to the relationship I desire. I must find peace in the fact she is here and accept the uncertainty of the future. I am finding myself feeling clingy again. I’m fighting that because I realize where that road leads.

The last few days I have been craving intimacy. I want to connect. I want to feel that bond. She isn’t there and I realize that I will have to hold back until she is ready. When I look at her I see her natural beauty. After all of the mean things I have said, I realize it’s difficult for her to understand my attraction. We have both started working out. I catch myself just wanting to look deep into her eyes. Those blue eyes I remember from when we first met. I just want to touch her body, but again I know she struggles to understand my genuine attraction. I imagine the first time we have sex multiple times a day. Kissing her, feeling her skin against mine. The connection and intimacy of that moment. It may take a while, but I realize I can’t force it. She has to want it. She has to feel safe. That will be a milestone in our healing together. Still, I struggle with my desire for connection and her need for space. I keep telling myself it’s going to happen. It’s going to get better. I can do this and we are going to make it. She is conflicted, but she is working too. I love her and I have so much to say. Yet, I constantly realize if I want this to work, i have to pour my emotions and thoughts out here until she is in a place to hear and feel them.