Selfish in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

I am terribly selfish. How could I have let this happen? This was not the original plan.

Throughout middle school, I did not want to continue band in high school. I had a pretty bad teacher. She did her best, but I did not have an enjoyable time at all.

Then, we had Prefest in eighth grade. I met the high school band conductor. From a short meeting, I already loved her. Suddenly, band was interesting again.

Now, another reason I was not planning on band, of any kind, was because of the cost. It is a lot of money with band alone. Then there is school swim fees. Add in the already expensive club swim fees. It is too much and I knew it.

When the slips to choose what band we wanted to be a part were issued, this thought was no longer occur in to me. All I could see was how much I wanted to be a part of this tightly knitted band family.

Discussions were had about band, and a plan was formed. I would try it this year and see how it went, dropping out if I needed to. I signed the forms with joy. I was going to have an amazing year. I was going to be a part of as much as I could. I was going to change my mindsets into something positive and good.

The parent meeting was tonight. Not even five minutes ago actually. They spoke of my class periods and the time requirements. They spoke of commitment and parent involvement. They spoke of money.

My parents heads dropped when the costs were announced. $250 as a first donation. $950 as well for everything else.

How could I have been so selfish? I had already planned not to do this so that’s i could SAVE my family money. Now I am spending even more of it.

I already occupy so much of our expenses. Swim team has a fee per race per meet, cost for my caps, my suits, my gear, and membership. There is probably even more I am forgetting. And that is just swim! Then there are school trips and fundraisers, birthday parties for friends, instruments (flute, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, ukulele), books, and school supplies. Continue with the money for therapy appointments that keep getting rescheduled. I couldn’t possibly be worse!

But then I was. We already knew I would be a school swim member. It is my best shot at scholarships other than academics. However, I topped it off with Marching Band, which also consists of Concert Band. I am a Wind Ensemble, so there is Symphonic Band, as well as others.

What makes is worse, though, is that I am angry. I cannot be happy. Everything I do ends in me being a disappointment, even though I am the ‘perfect student.’ I am shielded from the world, no social media, rarely any time with friends outside of school, parental locks everywhere on my phone, and hardly being able to breathe without it being wrong. It doesn’t exactly help that I am half gay and questioning my own genders, though I guess they pretty much ignored any of that part of me. And they want me to be more social with people. To get out more.

?????????

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? Everything I do is heavily monitored and criticized. It has come to a point where I feel even my thoughts are not safe. It is a wonder I have been journaling here without their knowledge. I want them to know about it, but the would ruin the purpose. Either they would take it down, or make it private. I need publicity so I have purpose. Otherwise it just feels pointless and stupid.

I really am just terrible, aren’t I? I should be grateful. I am, for the roof over my head, for the food in my stomach, for a complete family. All of that. But yet, I am a mess. I hate myself. Why can I not just.... be?

I am enjoying the Zoom meetings we have with Marching Band. It is all introductions right now, but I am having fun. I really like my section leaders so far. Not to mention, some of his band kids are a little cute. I am blushing writing that. It sounds stupid to me, but also kind of funny. Look at me. I am taking an interest in people :)