Insight in First entry

Today I had important meeting at work. It was my first meeting where I was the lead Project Manager. It went well, but that’s not the biggest news of the day.

I had a 3.5 hour drive to get to my meeting. I had to do something to occupy my time so I searched YouTube videos about what the hell a woman means when she needs “space”. That’s when I found the answer for wisdom I’ve been praying for. To summarize, it means back off and get your shit together. I moved from that video into broken relationship videos. That’s when I realized my reaction has only made things worse.

When she told me she was looking at houses. I lost it anger, sadness, resentment, fear, all of my bottled emotions erupted and I wanted answers that she wasn’t able to give. Looking back, my reaction shut down any opportunity she may have had to share her feelings.

From there I started soul searching. Trying to figure out why I wasn’t good enough. I’m surely no saint, but I still believe I’m a good man. Nevertheless, I identified where my priorities were off. I set out on a journey to make right all of the wrongs I had done. I appologized for the hurtful things I said joking or otherwise. I was realizing I made mistakes. I started to pitch in more around the house. I wanted to show her I was going to do better. I had my heart set on actually making these changes for our future. Still, as I pushed trying to understand how she felt, what she was thinking, I only ran into walls. I kept being told she needed space. That led to more soul searching more trying to fix myself. Frustration, sadness, hopelessness I was out of ideas. I had identified where I was falling short and I fixed it. Why can’t we just talk it out and make it all better? It wasn’t until today one of the biggest questions I’ve had got answered by a YouTube video.

I realized she didn’t have what she needed, emotional safety. I didn’t allow her to feel safe sharing how she truly feels. I was sharing myself and asking questions, but she didn’t have confidence in how I would respond. Hell, that’s been our problem throughout the past 15 years. It wasn’t just a one way street either. That’s why we would hide stuff from eachother. It boils down to the fact that neither of us was able to share ourselves completely with the other. This changed my entire mentality. I have to change my actions, my approach to allow her to feel safe to share herself. It seems so simple but when you’re slamming your head against a brick wall to get through to the other side, the pain and focus may make you miss the gate right beside you.

I’ve let her know that I love her and I understand she needs safety before she can open up. I’m going to focus on me. Not so she will stay, but to grow myself as a person. I will still hug her and I’ll kiss her on the cheek or forehead. That’s because I believe physical touch is important. But, until she feels safe to open up, I have to understand it’s not necessarily that she doesn’t want to open up,, but she can’t. The fear I reinforced in my initial reaction wont allow her to.

So, here I am waiting and now that I understand why, I’m prepared to live her through this. I still hurt and I still have fear, but I understand now. It’s amazing how that understanding changes the outlook. We both have healing to do. Forgiveness that we have to give. Ownership of the mess we created. I just have to have strength when she finally opens up. I think that’s my next challenge. I’m a fixer by nature. I identify the problem and then try to find the best way to fix it.

Hopefully tonight I will sleep better. If anyone reads this and wants the name of the channel, just message me. It explains about and has many videos on how to communicate and repair broken relationships.