Yearning... I guess? in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

I do not know what to feel. My chest keeps caving in on itself and I almost always feel like I need to scream. I do not, however. I have grown relatively good at bottling everything up so I do not hurt others.

It is all so complicated, though. I wish I knew what it was I was feeling, exactly, because I am entirely unsure. I feel as though all emotions are swarming and spinning around through my being at the same time. It has become all jumbled and left both my mind and body a complete wreck.

I am broken apart in feeling like I have lost everyone, though I know I have friends. I know that I am not usually a first choice, though, or a choice at all. I am kind of just… there. A being in a ring of close knitted people. Maybe that was why I was not too distraught over getting in trouble after Batman’s birthday. I had not felt like just another person. I had felt like I belonged, like I was normal. It felt nice, however short lived.

I am terrified of the world around me, that seems to be descending into chaos. It is moving so fast all of the time, and I do not know what to make of it half of the time. People confuse me, as they often always have.

My mind is spinning with all if the things that I have to and want to do. I need to finish the Khan Academy course suggested from high school teachers for those going into Honors IM 2. I need to complete the mural on my wall that I have, sadly, almost completely lost interest in. I definitely need to continue practicing my flute, since I am auditioning for Marching Band. I want to keep working on figuring out human anatomy in terms of art. It has always stunted me. I would also like to find my art style. I want to workout like crazy all of the time, but do not want to at the same time. I want to learn how to play both my guitar and ukulele well, but still need to get the guitar fixed. I want to write the music that will not stop running in my head, and to write my books, just to get them out of my head and on something as as tangible as paper.

I am terribly angry with myself for several things which are difficult to explain. I hate that I cannot figure my own self out, that my mind is such a dangerous place to be and I cannot escape it. I hate that my bodily proportions seem so off-putting to me at times, while I feel I am mildly beautiful at other times. I admire my personality in the same way that I absolutely despise it. I do not like the way I am wired, but do not how I would function is I were wired any differently. I frighten myself that I cannot hold a lasting relationship, friend or otherwise. I hate that my body never suits me anymore, male, female, or anywhere in between, while it also does. (How does any of that work??)

I just cannot breathe. It is a weird feeling, to not be able to breathe and still have the constant flow of oxygen through your body.

It does not help that my therapist has canceled on me the past couple of appointments, meaning I have not had one for quite a while. Though I wish it did not bother me, it does. Even though she is paid to listen, I still find comfort in confidentially spilling everything. It is not the same as telling the people close to me, but she really helps. I do not want to switch counselors because she has been such a good fit for me (and I have too much anxiety to approach the subject), but our appointments are canceled much more often than they should be. The times I should have seen her but have not are close to half, possibly more, of the times I actually have seen her.

I am not really confident in how to respond to societies current predicaments, so I am going to keep the thoughts on that matter to myself, rather than announce them for the world to see.

I think there is a lot I have forgotten to mention in these entries.

The New York/ D.C. trip our middle school had been planning since seventh grade (kids with excellent behavior and good grades were offered an opportunity for one of forty slots) has been postponed until next year. I am disappointed, but at least the trip is still happening.
I made it into the AVID program. It was such a relief to hear that news. I truly believe it will help me focus and balance all the other tasks I am undertaking.

My selected Honors courses have been approved. I am taking Honors English, Honors IM 2, and Honors Bio. I did not want to take AP Human Geography both because nobody was passing that class and that it did not sound all that appealing to be.

I ‘graduated’ from middle school a couple of weeks ago. I am officially a freshmen. I have been waiting for this for a long time. Most of my swim team is older. I am one of the babies, so I will have plenty of help/ friendly fun bullies.

The information for Marching Band Auditions begins today. I am excited and nervous.

With all of this and both swim teams (plus maybe a club or two), my parents think I am overwhelming myself. Maybe I am. However, my teachers, both middle school and several high school teachers, believe I can do it. I think I can, too. My coach says she knows I can.

Anyways, I am very excited for high school to finally start.