Fear in First entry

Tonight I struggled to get to sleep. My stomach in knots. My thoughts all over the place. My emotions swing from sadness, to loneliness, to anger, to fear. I just want to understand. I want to know how she feels. She has pulled back over the weeks. She was touching my hand or she would give the the long hug and not let go. I dont believe it is because she doesn’t want to. In fact, I believe it’s because she started to realize she still has feelings. But, she still won’t share them with me.

As I watch the news, I think about her and the kids living under a different roof. How do I protect them from the insanity going on? My fear grows.....I see the pure raw emotions on the news and I just wonder what would happen if, in the middle of the night, the insanity showed up and I wasn’t there… my fear grows…you have a virus that has shut down the economy. What happens when the 40 million people can no longer get the extended unemployment benefits? What happens when civil unrest is at her doorstep. These are the fears I have. I’ve seen the evil of humanity.

As I think about,how we have the ability to fix our mistakes and we have the opportunity to choose love, but she still holds out, I get angry. She said she doesn’t have time to really think. I feel split on that. It’s true she’s not a deep thinker, but how the fuck can this not consume you like it has consumed me?!?! How can she watch me hurt and hurt and not have it be a priority? This thought makes me sad and angry. I feel betrayed. While I haven’t been the perfect husband, I’m willing to make the changes as I always have.

So, here I am. I fell asleep at 11:30, woke up at 3 am and my day has to go on. My emotions are all over the place. I have a big presentation today. I have to put on my mask and smile. I have to act like my world isn’t falling apart as I stand in front of the client and explain they can’t have exactly what they want. I haven’t told anyone except a couple friends. I had to tell someone when this first kicked off. I was in a very dark place and feared I may hurt myself. I’ve since moved past the point of thinking about actively dieing and secretly wishing it could happen in a random accident. It sounds terrible, but it is one of my deepest secrets. I know no matter the outcome, I’ll ultimately be ok. I just have feelings and thoughts. I won’t hide them here. I need this outlet.

Fyi if you’re reading this, it’s not a cry for help. I am not going to kill myself. When this was first starting, I was very close. In fact I had my mind made up to do it. That’s why I reached out to a friend. That’s why I promised I would call before I did anything like that. In fact, if you are reading this and we are sharing pain, reach out before you do anything. It has to be to someone. You are scared for and if you can’t think of anyone that you can reach out to, reach out to me. I do want a reprieve from the pain, but I won’t take that path. I want to move forward. I want to find a path forward…ironically there’s my alarm. Time to start my day. Why can’t I start with a smile....sometimes I just need a hug…