Blah in First entry

I made it through another day. All day long she was on my mind. Everything makes me think about the nightmare I’m living. I want out. I want to stop. I constantly just want the opportunity to just get a break. It can’t be healthy. Since this all started I’ve dropped 21 lbs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m workout more, but much like this, it’s just an outlet for my pain. A place to escape and somewhere I can let it out.

This afternoon she said she feels if we were to split I would hate her forever. The reality is I would still love her, but I feel I would have deep resentment. Not because I’m innocent, but because I’m willing to listen and make the changes necessary.

I’ve had to do some soul searching and face some harsh realities over the last few weeks. Some of my shortcomings were not necessarily out of malevolence or apathy. They were from misguided priorities. Like the time I spent at work. It wasn’t because I didn’t care. It’s because I have a deep fear of failure and not being able to provide for my family. Looking back I see the comments I made were hurtful, but often they were made in jest. I didn’t see it at the time I was hurting her. I have appologized and feel genuine remorse. I wish we talked more. I wish I was paying attention. Now I’m here with regret and prayers we can salvage this marriage. I truly, with absolutely every fiber of my being, believe we can do this. I just need her to open. I need to close this hole in my chest. I’m powerless and hanging on as best I can. I keep asking myself if I’m strong enough. At the end of the day, it’s the outlets I’ve found that help me to carry on. But, the pain is real never the less. Never ending pain. I feel like I’m holding my breath just waiting for her to reach out and touch my hand. Just realize we made this mess and we can fix it. I feel like I’m drowning gasping for air. I just hope it comes sooner than later. Maybe tonight will be the night.