Great weekend in just testing

I'm so happy to report a great weekend

Friday I took Teach, picked up Chipotle dinner for the whole family and we had dinner at my parents house.

Teach needed some cheering up cause after her whole family was dealing with a stomach bug her mother passed out and they needed to call 911. It was very scary for her and after a week in the hospital there's no conclusion to why her mom passed out.

She 's also dealing with her grandmothers failing health and the stress of being unemployed and single, etc.

So we had a good night out.

Saturday was sex & Netflix all day and then me & Will went to the cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson show which was amazing and then out to dinner.

Sunday was more sex & Netflix (we're catching up on Dexter). Will must be trying to prove a point, later Sunday evening I practically had to fight Will off! I was tired! He was like "don't you like it? " yes but I'm no porno actress, Gimmie rest!

That's barely anything to complain about but I felt bad cause I think he was disappointed and refused him. I don't want him to feel rejected.

I do feel my sex life has gone down hill, esp the past 2 years but I very much think my weight & body image is to blame.

Not his fault, I just don't feel as sexy as her sees me. Also I hate being women up. After our last go I fell asleep and prob woulda slept all night if he hadn't woke me up by trying to pry my fat thighs apart. I tried to be kind and just cuddle but he kept pressuring for more till I had to leave the bed!

I'm already dreading work. We've had another shift in the kitchen which means instead of being a receptionist I'm a sous chef which sucks because there really isn't time in the day to be both.

My work suffers and piles up. The chef isn't gonna help me with my paperwork, you know.

I'm tired of the inconsistency in the kitchen but it's no one's fault. They find jobs that pay more. We're a small, new school with a small budget.... People take the job unhappy with the pay and continue to look for work, find something better and screw us. It's happened twice this year already since our regular chef had to leave for back & neck surgery. After the surgery she won't be able to work as our chef anymore and it's been hell finding a new permanent chef.

Oh and I've been thinking more about our last baby related fight.

I really think I want to experience pregnancy and have a baby but I don't want to raise a preschooler to college age child. I really only like the 'baby ' age.

I've all always wanted a 'baby ' and have know that raising a child is hard but just figured me & a husband would do it together. But I chose a husband who's not home during the week and doesn't even want a baby to begin with.

If we had a kids it would be all on me and I'm sure there would be resentment all around. I don't want that life. So I'm more than OK nor to have a child.

But pregnant friends and friends with young babies drive me a little co coocoo but I don't envy anyone with a preschooler & up.

I do want my freedom, money & vacations.

I'm always broke. Always denying myself. After this year I p plan to be debt free and able to spend money on ME!

And I'm excited for that. Manicures, getting my hair done, buying new clothes, not worrying about only buying sales at the grocery store, or oil changes or doctors visits and all those normal things. Having savings instead of being paycheck to paycheck.

I want a treadmill, maybe a new car, maybe a bigger apartment.

If I have a baby I only forsee struggle and stress and daycare and sacrifice and the past off of the love a baby would give me just isn't enough right now to balance out everything else I mentioned.

I don't "really " want a baby, not long term anyway so I need to get over everyone else having them.

I don't really wasn't their life. what I imagine having a baby is and what it really is like having a baby are 2 different things...