Last night in First entry

Last night I woke up 3 times. Each time longing to reach over and just touch her. I kay have been able to do it, but she has asked for space. Space....space for what? How did we get here? It’s like I’m in a bad dream and I can’t wake up. I just want to know what she’s thinking, how shes feeling. I want to provide, protect and love her fears and concerns away.

I’ll own my mistakes in the past. Sometimes I’m an asshole and make comments I shouldn’t. Often they are meant as failed sarcasm and jokes. Prior to this, I was very focused on my job. The part she didn’t realise is that I’m new in my career and I can’t fail. As I look at our finances, we need me to have my job. We bought a little too much house. Mostly because when she saw it, it was her dream house.

There’s two sides to each story. I’m not here to come claim being a victim. I have confessed my part in this to her. I had bared my soul and begged for her forgiveness and grace. I am comfortable with my part in this and owning that.

Internally, I am so angry because she hasn’t taken responsibility for her part in this. She know’s she is just as guilty. She will admit she has a lack of respect for me. She has confessed to 2 affairs. Same person, first time I knew about 12 years ago. The other was conversations with the same guy recently. This is probably one of the biggest punches to the gut. I’ve been faithful. I haven’t always wanted to be married to her, but I have stuck it out

I know many will say I am a fool, but I’m not here for your judgement. As I have said before, I don’t care what you think. I need to get my thoughts out. Maybe if I get them out here I wont have to dwell on them constantly.

This morning we are going on a walk. It’s a weird situation in which she turns hot and cold and she is halfway in and out at the same time. She gives me the I love you but I’m not in love with you and when asked if she has felt feelings in the last few weeks for me, she says yes. I feel she is scared. I just need her to commit to taking the wall down. Each of us has to own our mistakes and fix them. I see the spark come and go. We can do this. I just need her to believe that.