Today… brought interesting insight into things (from multiple sides)......
I was thinking today about some of the cases flooding my desk. And I realized that… yeah. As much as it absolutely sucks to be going through Quarantine/Isolation completely alone. If I really sit and ponder the alternative? It could have been as bad or worse. From two perspectives.
First: Imagine if Nancy and I had separated and I hadn’t been so firm with her about finding a place and then… she’s stuck here during quarantine but acting the same. If I had ringside, IN HOME seats to her Tinder success while I was taking care of the dog and the house and cooking… I don’t know what would have cracked first… my rage or my despair!
Second: Imagine if Nancy and I hadn’t separated and we were experiencing isolation via 2019 realities. As she spends her day obsessing over her school work (or now… essentially doing nothing) while I’m trying to work from home, take care of Nala, take care of the house, and cook. In that instance? Ooof. I know exactly what would have happened. My self-hatred and loss of self-respect would have been devastating (or more so) my misery turning itself inwards would have destroyed me… and the only thing left would have been my self hatred and anger towards her.
So… perhaps while timing on this was entirely monstrous in terms of being able to cope by being with friends and family… honestly? It could have been worse.
Which seems like a fairly decent place to leave that but for a phone call I received.
My dad has a benign brain tumor. Apparently, it has been growing for 4 years. They are now going to start tracking it to see if it is growing. If it is growing… they’ll need to operate. Because its placement and affect will make him completely deaf on the left side as well as immobilize the left side of his face (among other things). So… if it is growing… a complicated day-long brain surgery that may result in death. If it isn’t growing… further monitoring and continued discussion/determination on when/if to operate.
And of course… I do as I know to do. Ask the medical questions, inquire as to Mom and Dad’s emotional health as they process this information. Encourage them to process and accept and let my brother and I help wherever we can in whatever way we can. We come together as a family to encourage/protect and put focus where it needs to be.
But… it would be nice to have Nancy around. Just for the presence of someone that I might be able to speak to in order to process my own feelings on the matter. I mean… being able to talk to someone… someone who knows the people involved and cares in some way for them. Moments like these are the ones where I wish I had Nancy here. Even if she was just watching TV or playing a cell phone game. To… process.