wow my sister actually apologised. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so earlier today. i don’t quite remember how, or want to. but the subject was brought up. by my sister. the subject of evan having, as she put it, ‘lived’, w/ me. er ‘moving in’/having ‘moved in’ w/ me to be more accurate. ok well we weren’t living together bc well. apparently that means 2 people in a romantic relationship. [i mean he i did. having feelings for each other but we weren’t like. in a serious relationship or anything] where the implication is. the 2 people in the relationship were. having coitus. sex. for those who don’t know what that means and/or if i forget. which he & i also. weren’t doing. so no we weren’t co-habitating.
and she said something about it...........which right now i don’t want to go into. and. yes it was her who had all that happen. [well. ok to be fair yeah i was the one. who invited him to stay w/ me the day of Pat’s service. no that didn’t happen via her my sister. no i know] no i meant. when evan left. and apparently. bc no one was there for her during a difficult time. [i don’t talk much about my sister’s difficult times bc. i’m empathetic and it’s really hard for me. ignorance is bliss] she was getting angry that no one. would do anything, about the fact that he hadn’t left. and to her it didn’t seem i wanted him there. i mean sure it was a difficult time between the two of us and...........it wasn’t perfect but i think. i wanted him there. of course it was difficult! Pat had d. not 2 months before! and he was our best friend so. she doesn’t know he was my best friend. and i made the point to her. my sister [Pat’s a guy btw.] that if i saw her smoke a cig. i’d come to her first. well. hopefully. right yeah but how is it my fault no one was there for her? and she became angry and frustrated? yeah exactly. it’s not. it wasn’t. [i mean like i don’t think it’s hers either.]. Projection isn’t right. or fair. i’ve done that myself recently. on fb but i’ve apologised right away. like wow ok..............when my late paternal grandmother was near the end. she wasn’t happy. and i. got frustrated that no one seemed to be doing anything, about the situation. but i didn’t interfere. [also again i don’t think human um. euthan.........that is legal in the state of co.]. and even if it is.........it’s not my decision to make. that wasn’t my life that was my paternal grandmother’s. i think if it had been she would’ve. wanted it to be done. and my sister. after i gave the example of smoking went ‘maybe i should’ve..........’ handled it differently. yeah. i know. and after a bit i went ‘you’re right. you probably should’ve’. yeah it’s partially her fault i lost that place. [well. i mean not in the beg. of course like i mentioned above.]. she also told me. that if something like that were, to happen again that she’d handle things differently. would she, though? i can’t say i believe that. i didn’t tell her that cause that’s damaging. also like 8 yrs. ago was the last time well almost 8. anyway was the last time i had my own place so. i don’t know, when i’ll be able to trust her again. [which. implies she must’ve had my trust at some point. obviously]. or maybe i won’t right now..............i don’t know that i want to right now. [well. it’s not like i have to or anything.]. i don’t know that she deserves it. things shouldn’t’ve ended that way. on that day almost 8 yrs. ago.
yeah i............i remember that. no. my parents weren’t the ones who had evan leave..............i mean they knew about it. but no..........on may 13th. she and this guy leo............came and got. evan..........sorry but since when is she in charge of my life? sure yeah ok if i were low functioning. but i’m not. i mean i have trouble w/ things.............we all do. but i’m not. i’m not low functioning and to treat me as such is just insulting. and i even told her. earlier today ‘i’m not a plant’ and she’s ‘what do you mean?’ and i’m ‘people take care of plants’ and i think. i said
something to her about ‘i can take care of myself. if i need someone to talk to i’ll talk to Mom. or Mark Mom’s met Mark he’s great’. my sister’s not the only option. of who i have to talk to. esp. not now. and she hasn’t been for a long time.
i’ve felt. for a long time that she owes me an apology. and i got it so.............no but. i also think she owes me one. for not getting to know evan. of how she treated my now-former friend. she wasn’t like. mean to him she just wasn’t warm towards him. from what i recall she sure as hell wasn’t welcoming. i mean seems the guy had it hard enough.............w/ his best friend having d. and then.........w/ his mental disorder and being neurotic. i mean cmon. and for the love of god don’t antagonize someone who’s legitimately crazy. that’s like putting a drink in front of an alcoholic. oh wait. [me i’m talkin about me here.]. don’t do something stupid and put your hand in the flytrap. like i’m sorry but what did she expect? she obviously doesn’t have much experience w/ people who have mental disorders. [no well clearly.]. people make choices. and some of them aren’t smart. but that describes the choice. as not being smart. people do stupid things when they’re upset. it’s not right but i mean that’s the reality.
i think. the fact she projected came off as cold. as her being cold. towards him. if i’ve ever been that way towards her friends. at any point then i do apologise. i don’t think i’m usually that person towards random people.............or like her friends............i’ve been so frustrated w/ her for being cold towards him. like i somehow have to prove i’m compassionate and it’s not always genuine. like i have to be show-y. [well. i mean not physically.]. like ‘look how well i’m doing. being compassionate towards this friend’ well. again now former ‘yeah guess what? you could learn from this. cause look. look at the example i’m setting and follow it’. but not everyone follows examples obviously. and sometimes they shouldn’t depending on the example.
but i wanted her to follow it then. not now. cause now it’s not happening. i mean..........but............i was compassionate before, all that happened. i’ve always been. and she. hasn’t. also. knowing Pat brought that out in me. he was one of the most compassionate people i’ve ever known. i don’t know that’s...........not something people can teach, in a way. compassion. i think people either are or they’re not. or they’re not very much.
i have things to work on. but i don’t think being compassionate is one of them. and it’s funny bc........i remember at the time. she i had gone. somewhere i don’t know where. not that it’s a huge issue. and when she was dropping me off at my place i went ‘i trust him’ and she’s ‘well i don’t!’ yeah well. that wasn’t my problem at the time. the ‘him’ in this case being evan.
i trusted him more then i trusted more people. untill............i left and all those times. we made plans to get together and they never. panned. out so............no but in terms of confidentiality. i trust him.
i know. i can’t really change it no one can. but it doesn’t make it go away.
i was thinking about it actually. and given that...........when i do move. again. [cause eventually yes i will have my own place. it might take awhile but i will.]. i’m thinking i might get a condo. [you know. depending on finances and stuff] bc. that way i will be owner, or at least partial owner [meaning the interior] of it. which i didn’t know all this about condos and ownership and stuff. untill i looked it up the last few days. damnit. and. when i do get one. i want a copy of the deed. an official written copy. which i should have anyway.
and no. for right now.........when that does happen. my sister will not. be partial owner. [well i mean. again that’s not her decision it’s not her life.].
i’ve actually found a couple i like when i looked online. and they’re in an area of aurora i know so. but who knows? by the time i’m ready to move and all that they could be bought. well. there’ll always be others. also people do have the right to shelter anyway. to begin w/ so. but that’s not for awhile. i’m in no hurry. no i like where i live. the house and the like environment of it. i also like the people i live w/. oh and the dog he’s a nice little dude. so. you know. i’m kindof ok waiting. oh. but one thing i will want. i don’t mean like physically. is someone to help me w/ finances as needed. smart plan and good idea. anyone but my sister.
well. i’ve had a long day. thanks.