(Continued from previous, I promise this is the last one) in Musings and Daily Events

December 10th, 2018: I get in contact with my birthfather.

I don’t know if I mentioned this. I’m adopted. I was adopted at 3 months old. It was a completely closed adoption so I never knew anything about my birthparents except for my birth mother’s name as it was on my birth certificate. I got in contact with my birthmother about 9-10 years ago (found her super easily on Facebook) but, we’ve never met in person. She lives in Chile so it’s been difficult for us to meet. But we talk almost every day, she’s one of my best friends and I love her. When I first asked about my birthfather 9 years ago, she dismissed it saying, “he wasn’t interested in having me” and basically was a one-night stand sort of thing. So I left it alone for a really long time.

Then one day, around the time I got suspended actually, I’m hanging out with a friend and she says, “You don’t know who your birthfather is?! Sandra, what if you’re a princess or an heiress or something?!” I laugh it off but, three weeks later I’m still thinking about it. So, I end up asking my mother again. She was like hold on, let me see if I can find him on Facebook. No questions asked, nothing. 7 minutes later, I have his Facebook profile. I message him and learned the real story behind who he is and my adoption.

So turns out, my birthparents were dating and in their teens when I was conceived. They were ecstatic to be having a baby. Like of course they were scared but, they were young and in love and really didn’t mind unexpectedly starting a family. My grandmother on my mother’s side, couldn’t deal with the embarrassment of her daughter having a baby so young and my grandfather on my dad’s side, didn’t want to have to pay any child support. SO, they took my mom and kept her away from my dad for almost the entire pregnancy, coerced/convinced her to put me up for adoption, and my dad only knew that I was born because my grandfather told him. My dad spent a week trying to find me in the registry but couldn’t because my grandfather told him I was born under a different name. Eventually, about 7 months after I had been born, he finally managed to contact my mother and she ended up telling him that I had died of meningitis and to stop contacting her. By that point, I was already in the States with my adoptive family. And the rest is history.

So finding my dad ended up being this HUGE thing. We connected instantly and he quickly became one of the most important people in my life. He currently lives and works in Brazil and he offered to pay for my ticket to go see him. I, of course, took the opportunity. I left my shitty job, told my parents I was going to travel in Brazil for two months (didn’t tell them the reason, just that I needed to leave and do something with my life before I went batshit crazy), and spent two amazing months, attached to my father’s hip in one of the most beautiful countries in the world.

I finally felt at peace. Like, everything came together as it was supposed to. That I went through all of that bullshit to finally end up exactly where I needed to be.

The two months came and went far too quickly. The goodbye between my father and I was hard, the months apart were so much harder. We talked every single day, multiple times a day by phone or video call. I ended up finding a job at a high-end dealership, making incredibly good money, within a week of me returning to the States.

Then it started again. I hated being home, my parents were deliberately trying to make my life hell. They found out about my birthfather by reading my journal, so that was terrible. They called me a traitor, I was yelled at. They still aren’t over it. But, whatever. Work was so hard. The money was good but I worked 5-6 days a week from 7-630 or 7 every single day. The clients were entitled and difficult to work/reason with. But, I didn’t mind work as much as when I was at the other place. It’s what being a service writer entails. I was just starting to resent my work because I was quickly getting burnt out and had no time for myself. But it was okay I guess, the money seemed to make it worth it.

It was me, mentally, I was hanging on by a fucking thread. So, I decided to go back to Brazil and live with my birthfather for a long bit. My plan was to quit my job in February and go to Brazil from February-August. I was so pumped.

Then I got fucking fired in November. They say it was because of my surveys but, my survey scores were not the lowest of the other advisors and some inner office bullshit had gone down that I, unfortunately, got wrapped up in so I doubt it was actually my surveys, feel me? I’m going to skip that story, maybe save it for another entry. It’s just a lot and I don’t feel like trudging that up right now.

When I was fired, I spent three days hiking. I woke up and went home as if I was still working but, I spent my “work time” in the woods of various state parks around NY and CT. I needed to clear my head. I needed to smoke. I needed to come up with another plan. I don’t even know what I needed I just needed to lose myself in nature. And it helped tremendously. I think if I had stayed home with my mom, I would’ve gotten depressed over this and not gotten anything done.

I decided to go to Brazil early and spend the holidays with my dad, brothers, and sister.

MY PARENTS WERE FUCKING PISSED!

They felt I was betraying them, choosing my other family before them, how dare I do this to them, all I care about is myself, I’m a massive disappointment, where did they go wrong, what did they do that I hate them so much, yadda yadda and more fucking yadda.

It was tough but, I made it through. They’re still pissed but it is what it is. They’re always gonna be pissed with me for one thing or another so whatever. I’m just gonna live my life.

So, now it’s May and I’m still in Brazil. Granted, I picked the worst time because we’re all kinda stuck in quarantine but, at least I’m not home in a toxic environment with my parents.

Alright, now we’re all up to speed and I can start with regular entries and writing prompts again. I’ll go into detail about stuff as we go along but, that’s the gist of what’s been going on over the last almost three years.

I can’t wait to get back in touch with you guys (if you’re still around to read my stuff), I promise to read your guys’ stuff, and if you’re new to my journal, welcome and sorry for the massive entries.

Thanks for reading all of it, love you guys and I’ve really missed this little community.

<3