Normal is relative in Musings

“Babe, can you just stop nagging me, and just lay in my arms and cuddle?!” Liam said as he laid on the couch and opened the Lynx fur throw signaling me to just lay between his legs.

I mean Covid-19 has been horrible financially to both of us… and This is the first time in 17 years that I just have nothing to do.

However, I wouldn’t do this pandemic with anyone else… I don’t get tired of him, even though existing with him daily, he has his little weird quirks and knacks that drive me up the wall, but then the annoyance just becomes a nuisance and then the nuisance just becomes a weird, icky, pillowy mess of ‘aww that’s so cute’

I’ve been suffering with extreme bouts of depression and anxiety; that of which, far outweighs any depression and anxiety I’ve ever felt. Although he fucking annoys the shot out of me, because he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn, walks our puppy and lays out a little jogging suit next to me. “I’m gonna walk Warby babe, then I’m gonna pick you up and we’re going out for a jog” and he kisses me on the nose and I just hear his keys jingle in his pocket, Warby’s chain jingles as Liam puts on his leash.

And I lay there… in annoyance… why the fuck do I have to wake up?! Why the fuck do I have to jog?! I don’t wanna jog! Everyone in quarantine has gained 15 pounds and I’ve lost 19 pounds!

When Liam gets home, Warby is fed and I am sitting on the edge of the bed annoyed because I have to jog. Then again as I’m jogging and my endorphins kick in, I just jog next to him and think “Thank you Liam”

I’m not well… I try to keep it all together and not feel like I’m letting my crazy out… I am a very, very private person and my ruminations isn’t something I want Liam or anyone to be aware of—but somehow or maybe Liam has become blatantly aware that I need to be forced to do something, because if it were up to me, I’d just
Lay in bed as he serves me food.

This cocktail of emotions, he knows how to exactly deal with me… he needs to be assertive, he needs to make me realize my accountability, and he gently shows me that he’s not just any dude, but my fiancé and he commands respect at all times—even when I’m being a brat and try to circumvent his authority.

However, this is when things start getting real and weird and REAL WEIRD. I’ve always known that Liam is/was/always will be bisexual… and he’s also Puerto Rican from the Island.

How do I even start this? How do I contain it to make sense in this present voice?! There is no fucking way… but just to blurt it out or at least leave little nuggets that are acceptable to my mind…

I have a wig… it’s a beautiful, expensive wig that I wore ONE time for a weird 1980’s party of one of my friends…
Liam found it and I threw it on, not thinking much of it… and he fucked me ravenously. Cool! Done, end of story. Or so I thought…

Liam wants me to wear the wig… and we have this big argument about how I refuse to be emasculated… he’s like “I’m not trying to emasculate you, I just like that you wear a wig when we fuck sometimes” and I’m like “cool, it was fun, I’m over reacting, we are in quarantine”

I am doing a tutorial on hair and makeup for women… this isn’t my life, I am a very secure gay MAN and I can show women how to apply contour, eyeshadow, blush, lipstick etc… I finish the tutorial and Liam is just looking at me like and says “fuck you’re so hot as a guy, and you’re so fucking beautiful as a girl” and his dick is hard and he’s very lustful… and I said “cool! Let’s do this before I have to wipe it all off” we do the deed… he lays in bed in a weird type of euphoria… I pay no mind to it..
We get into a really heated argument, because he wants all of these things to be replicated again. I am a very sexually open and liberal person, and I know he loves and adores me in my truest form as a gay man.
A couple of days later, he’s asking me all these weird questions about shoe size, what’s my measurements and I really didn’t pay him too much mind l, because I thought “oh well my birthday is coming up”.. and “what type of woman would you be, hypothetically Andy?” And im not really paying him any mind and I tell him, “god didn’t make me a woman, because he knows that I would be a fucking man eater, Louboutins, lace, leather…” and because I was drunk I was like “I’d be a woman like Salma Hayek in Desperado, I’d be a woman like Mae West, like Elizabeth Taylor, like Uma Thurman in Batman, like Cameron Diaz in the Mask, like a Latina Jessica Rabbit— extremely expensive, extremely crazy and insatiable”
End of March happens and I have a package from Christian Louboutin— it’s before my birthday and Liam is just like “don’t get mad, okay?” And I’m like “bro! I’m pissed already cause a card would have sufficed, we aren’t making money to afford shoes worth 700-800-900$ shoes!!!”

But I’m a fucking label whore and I open the box and they are these infamous “So Kate 120mm” patent leather nude pumps… I look at him confused… like… “babe, did they send you the right shoes?! These are women’s sky high heels!”

He smirks… and says “yeah don’t get mad, can we just try something?” And I’m like “what in the holy fuck do you want me to try?! These are the most notorious of women’s wear, women don’t buy these shoes to just walk around in, the stiletto alone is the size of a fucking needle!”

Whatever… I really wasn’t placing two and two together and he slipped on those stilettos one my feet and fucked the living shit out of me.

On my birthday, my sister and her family broke quarantine, showed up to my house and we all got so wasted. Liam got so trashed and told my sister about this weird experiment he wanted to do with me… and my sister fled in an Uber and texted me “I love you little brother, I think that you need to open your horizons and explore things with the man that adores you, I’m not gonna say too much, but just be nice to him and be kind to him or I will fuck you up myself”

Liam and I fell asleep on the couch with Warby.

To quit this suspense… Liam wants/ed me to explore sexuality and the spectrum of it with me and he wants/ed me to crossdress. Which I suppose that I am okay with… because I know I am a man and I am comfortable with my gender identity, fine you want me to throw on a wig and 5 inch stilettos? FINE! Is it weird that my fiancé wants to experiment with this idea? No… he’s not the first to propose this idea, but he is the first to successfully gaslight me.

So now to the juicy parts… after my birthday and my sister telling me what she told me—I pulled it out of him… “yo bro, you want me to dress up like this, I’m not a fucking Victoria Secret kind of bitch” and it made me want to punch him and kill him when he was like “nah babe, I know you’re not!” And he runs to his den and he has a shopping bag from ‘La Perla’ and it’s like a $600 babydoll sheer dress, it’s like another $500 weird lace and leather contraption that doesn’t hold my balls or my dick in… it’s like these weird gucci stockings that are worth like $200 and beyond me getting irritated that he wants me to cross dress, I was more infuriated that he left me out of the decisions and spent money that isn’t coming back until both of our businesses open. Where the fuck are you able and willing to spend 3k on something that you’re just gonna stain with your sperm?!

But whatever… I let by gones be by gones.... because, after I reamed him the fuck out about his shit, I was like “you know what, I’ve dated men who have wanted me to do this for them, I am in the beauty industry and with the power of makeup, I am able to transform myself into a very, very beautiful woman—and the only person I’d feel 100% comfortable with doing these things with is Liam” as a gay kid my mother always told me that being gay was the gateway to being a transexual… and breaking this taboo has made me realize, ‘no I’m not a transsexual, I’m not a transvestite, I don’t have a dysphoria with my identity, this is literally something that gets my man’s rocks off and gets me off as well’

However, I will admit that some of the things that Liam is attracted to when I’m dressed up as a woman is very, very minute… as a gay man I am free to ride his dick and cum—but in this costume he likes these very, very small details that only a woman has… he likes watching me put on lipstick, the actual action of penetration isn’t his goal, he likes seeing me flip my wig behind me ears and likes seeing the strap of the baby doll come off of my shoulder; BUT SLOWLY! It can’t seem intentional, he likes seeing me put on heels and the minute instances of how a woman struggles to put on heels; she brushes her hair to one side, she struggles a little bit and then he can be Prince Charming and just put it on for me… he likes seeing me put on perfume, he likes seeing me as this very, super, hyper delicate woman, that he doesn’t get from me as a gay man… he likes watching me walk in stilettos, because even as a gay man I have really, really high arches on my feet and a 5inch heel caters to that and even as a gay man he’s always been obsessed with the delicateness of how I walk… as a gay man he says I walk like a super cat, but in heels he likes how it exacerbated that light footed-ness.

I mean Covid has really brought out the facets of my fiancé… and it’s also made me very, brutally strong with him… don’t fucking try to gaslight me… you like something, something is intriguing to you, you fucking come and tell me motherfucker, I don’t fucking care what it is! I am the most coolest person in the world to date, I know that I can’t satisfy all facets of a bisexual man, but I will fucking kill him if I could’ve just thrown on some heels, a full face of makeup and a wig to keep him. My biggest fear in dating bisexual men is not that they would cheat on me with women, I could never compete with a woman and I would never compete with a woman—but for them to cheat on me with a gay man just like me; like what did I do wrong? Was my dick not big enough? Did he want me to top him? Was I too aggressive and not submissive enough?

And I’ll leave with this last type of attractiveness that he finds when I’m all dressed up, and I’m not just Andy the gay guy… he finds a gusto to kiss me, and gets turned on that I’ve smeared lipstick on him, that I wear this YSL perfume for women and he can smell it on him for a couple of days… it’s like this submissive dominance that he likes.

And yes… do my feet hurt in 120mm of shoes? Absolutely. Do I feel uncomfortable wearing a girl thong where my dick and balls leak out of the sides? Absolutely. Does getting fucked in a 26 inch lace front blonde wig feel comfortable? No the fuck it doesn’t… but do I do this for the man that I can see raising my children with? Yes, he would be an amazing father… and I’m not too far up my own ass and so in secure about my manhood that I wouldn’t just try something for the sake of satisfying MY bisexual man, who is stupidly, blindly monogamous to me. I know who I am… wearing skinny black jeans, and dusters under All Saints leather jackets doesn’t make me who I am, just like wearing 120mm high heels in sheer baby doll dresses and panties that don’t fit my dick and balls in doesn’t make me any less of who I am.... I just wish he would be more upfront, and not just gaslight me.

That’s the end.