05.07.2020 in Process of a Brokenhearted Woman

I told you today. It was kind of nerve-racking, scary, relaxing and relieving all at the same time. It’s kind of funny because when I was thinking about the idea earlier, I was thinking that I wouldn’t do it until the end of this month.. It would give me some time to prepare and write out what I would say.. But I couldn’t get you off my mind.
I realized today that the reason why it hurts so much to see you all the time is because when I look at you, the last thing I think of is how you’re my ex.. And if that’s the last thing I think of, it hurts way too much. It hurts for me to look at you saying how you love her. It hurts to realize how fast you moved on or the fact that you moved on at all. It hurts a lot because I loved you so much. I fell in love with my best friend on September 09 2017. And on April 12 2019, I lost my best friend.
I don’t think you honestly see how important you are to me. Or how much your success and happiness means to me. I wish I could find a way to show you from my eyes just how highly I think of you. Of all the things that I KNOW you’re capable of. And if I’m going to be honest, I just want my friend back. I want to hear about the things that happen in your life and have small little catch ups. I want to laugh with you. I want to joke and roll eyes. I want to get in debates and little arguments where I tell you that “I’m sick of your shit.” I want a friend. I want my friend back. And I don’t think I can have you around until I get that back.. Because if not.. then you’re just a guy who a girl was supposed to hypothetically fall in love with. And that girl can’t picture anything but the guy she fell in love with.. the guy she was angry with.
I never got closure and healing to where I can now and forever look at you as her friend.
So I pray that one day I am blessed to see the day where you and I can talk, laugh, catch up, joke around and be the friends that I KNOW we are capable of being.
Earlier when I said I was happy for you.. I meant it. Every word.
I have come to terms with a lot of things that you have decided to do.
I have prayed for a lot of things over you and your family.
I have dreamed of you and your family to be healthy, happy and safe.
I have undialed and untexted you a million times.
I have written to you so many times on here.
Now I’m just waiting till I come to my healing and to wait till you’re brought back to me in a friend way.
Maybe we’ll run into each other. Maybe we’ll think of each other. Maybe something will happen to where our paths cross again.
But until then.. This will be my form of writing to you if I must.
I’ll just hope and pray that I will write in here saying that we finally became friends again.