Remember that fight I didn't want to rehash? in just testing

Well it's come back to bite me in the ass.

So here goes....

When Will's best friend couldn't hang out in the afternoon and wanted to hang out in the evening, and Will decided to not go to his friend's birthday party in order to make the time for us to hang out with his best friend. I got upset.

And I made the comment "Are we going to hang out with them once a month forever just because we're Godparents?"

And he got really offended and thought it was because I didn't like his best friend.

And so I told him, honestly, I am still dealing with the decision that we are not having kids. I wish we had the money - I wish YOU had a better attitude about it but neither of those things are going to change so we're not having kids. I understand this.

But now, knowing that I will never have a baby, makes me upset when we hang out with all those happy shiny friends of ours that do have kids. I pretend to be happy at these events, wishing I was them. Wishing you would see those fathers and realize it's OK to have a kid. But you'll never change, I realize this too.

I know I can't avoid everyone we know that has kids but it really surprised me when someone who wants nothing to do with kids agreed to be a Godparent [and roped me into it to] without asking me! Now we have this commitment to be involved in these kids lives forever! If it were up to me, I wouldn't have committed myself to someone else's child when I can't get you to commit to one of my own.

It lead to a giant fight. Which we got over. And I very much think my emotional reaction to this was very much period related because I work at a daycare and I'm around kids all day long and I don't have meltdowns about it.

Actually, after working at a daycare and seeing how much work a child is - it makes me back away from wanting one. I've always thought of all the cuteness of a baby - but her I see the shit leaking out of the diapers, the snot our of the nose, the brattiness, the inconvenience to a full time working parent every time their child gets sick - not to mention the homework, the college, the sex talk, drugs, drunk driving - and those are all normal issues. What if my child was born abnormal.

It's a very stressful issue so most of the time I don't feel like I'm missing out on much by not having one. I don't have the time, money, space or even health for one.

And THAT'S how I really feel but this weekend, on my period, I turned into an idiot crying over a baby simply because I had to go to dinner with one.

Fast forward to today - there is an event an animal rescue group we know is throwing on the same day as a friend's baby's birthday.

And I assumed I wouldn't be going to the animal even because a baby's birthday is more important. But when I finally looked at the times on both invites I suggested to Will we split the day. Get to the animal even early and leave early, get to the birthday party late but stay the entire time.

We would essentially have 3 hours at each event - only missing 1 hour of each event. It would be even and in the favor of the birthday party because I know that thing won't start on time. So even being an hour late wouldn't be a big deal.

He turned it around on me saying that I'm trying to get out of every baby event now and that he'd go to the birthday by himself and I can go to the animal event by myself which is NOT what I was trying to do.

I'm NOT trying to avoid every baby event and I truly do want to do both but because of my melt down this weekend, he doesn't believe me and I feel frustrated and stuck cause he refuses to do both cause he thinks I'm just trying to get out of the birthday - even when that is not what I suggested at all.

I'm having such a hard time right now. Trying to figure out how to be happy, or what I even want out of life.

My life is just laundry, dishes, cat boxes, weight issues and money worries. I don't know what I'm doing here, at all.