Stressing Out... Again in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

My therapy appointment got cancelled early this morning. Even though they were phone appointments, it was still better than nothing at all. Apparently there was some error in the scheduling, so I was put on a waiting list for an earlier appointment.

I put an alarm on so I could ensure I would be up at the right time. Since I can never fall asleep until late hours, I also do not happen to wake up at the crack of dawn. I waited for half an hour, staring at my phone so that I would not miss the call. After that, I went downstairs to tell my mother nobody had called me, yet.

She knew already. It ticked me off a little bit that she did not at least message me and left me to wait upstairs, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep, for a phone call that would not come. I did not have the energy to act on it, though, so I dropped it and decided to start my school work earlier than usual.

I needed that appointment today. I have been waiting for it for a while now. Every time I leave that office, right after I get some things off of my chest, the world wrecks havoc and throws more at me. My therapist has known about Papa and all the things going on. The last time we talked he was still alive, but she knew that he was going to be gone by the next time we talked. He passed the following morning. If that is not enough on its own, lets include the stress.

We are slowly moving Nana in with us, but obviously not to soon. Right now, she is coming and going between houses with my father as the chauffeur. I am stressed about seeing Nana stressed and everyone else stressed. It is piling on me, adding to my own, personal worries.

I have had my AVID interview since I last talked to her. I think it went well, but how am I to know? I am unnerved because the interview was so short. I only talked two times, as well as the other kids. I am freaking out. I still have not heard back from them and I am panicking. I am terrified. What happens if I did not get in?

I need AVID possibly as much as I need the school swim team (it is my best shot at a scholarship). I know AVID will be able to help me focus and balance all that I am taking on my freshman year. I have three Honors courses, Marching and Concert Band, school swim, club swim, and hopefully a couple of clubs.

AVID will help challenge me as well. I know Honors courses are rigorous by themselves, but I need to challenge myself as much as possible. It is a personal feeling of guilt. I am one of the kids who has always had straight As and is the ideal students. I hate how snarky that sounds, but it is true. It bothers me that I have never had to put in much effort to attain exceptional grades. I want to put in as much work as I can now that I am given the opportunity to do so.

I really hope I got in. They let us talk to a junior during the interview. She talked about how, it being a four year commitment, turns into a family unit. I want that so much. If I have people around me that are also like me, maybe I have a shot a longer lasting friendships. In your junior year, you take an overnight trip and see several college campuses (including Stanford!!!).

What tears me apart more than not knowing right now is the fact that nobody really seems to care. I already talked about people not listening, but this feels a little worse. Because I am the student I am, making achievements does not evoke reactions. When I ask my mother if she has gotten an email yet and start stressing out again, she keeps her eyes glued to her phone and carries on.

I should mention that my mother is never not on her phone. If she is not, something is wrong. Aren’t I, the (not so much) careless teen, supposed to be the one addicted to my phone? For someone who is always on their device, she sure has not got a clue how to use technology well. I understand my father being on his phone a lot. He has work issues to sort out. And some other things, I suspect, but that is for another entry I suppose.

I really needed that therapy appointment today. I cannot get my head straight. Hopefully I will feel calmer tomorrow. I am starting to paint my tree tomorrow. My father and I finally got the rest of the paints. I am excited about that, at least.