Gender Who??! in Questioning Everything

I had my AVID interview today. I think it went over well but I cannot be sure. I have decided I do not like online interviews.

Anyways, I was stressing over it all day. I new I still had to look nice, but to not overdo it. I do not have any nice male shirts (I hate calling them that), so I had to wear a feminine one.

I’ll admit it is a nice shirt. The fabric, however, really shows when you sweat. And I sweat all of the time. Both of my parents sweat a lot and I got both of the dominant genes. It really sucks.

I put off wearing the shirt until the interview came around. I also did not want to get it all sweaty and have that be the first impression. Wearing it, to be honest, was not bad.

I describe my gender the way Rylie does in Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin. It is easier that way. Think of gender like a compass. One end is F for female, and the other is M for male. Most of the time, my compass points somewhere in the middle.

I know that probably counts as non-binary, but I feel better using the term gender fluid. Sometimes, I feel really feminine. Others I am feeling like I want to rip my female parts away and throw them at my parents while screaming. (“But do not throw them away,” I’d say. “I might want them tomorrow.”)

Today was another day where I was somewhere in the middle. I was just feeling slightly more tilted to the M side. I wanted to wear my button down shirt and tie, but as I said, I did not want to overdo it. Plus, the button down shirt reveals the chest area a little much so it does not work as well as I had hoped when buying it.

I think about taking a little bit testosterone sometimes. Or maybe just having a mastectomy (where they remove the breasts, for anyone who does now know). I do not consider the latter too often because every now and then I like to wear dresses and trying to find the right fit clothing sounds too complicated. I also would rather not spend a lot of money on surgery.

The testosterone sounds like a good option, though. I wold have to look more into it. However, it might be bad when my compass is due F. This in between really is not the greatest.

I think for now, I will stick with wearing somewhat tight sports bras. Binding scares me, with all the reviews going around. And a sports bra is cheaper. As a benefit, I prefer sports bras even when I feel feminine. Others make me feel weird. I have never been too comfortable with revealing a lot of skin. Even a slightly low cut top makes me feel like I am exposed.

As of now, I just wear sweatpants and sweatshirts to cover up my body. It is a comfortable outfit, so it does not bother me as much as people would think. Nobody pays me enough attention for me to care anyway. I do not feel telling my parents about this struggle would do me any good. I also do not want to have them spend any more money on me than they have to. Swim is pricey enough. When I tried telling them I am bisexual, they wrote it off as me being too young to understand these things and trying to “follow the trend.”

I hate that. That all of a sudden, being in any way gay is part of a trend. There are so many people around the world faking it because LGBTQ+ acceptance is such a big thing right now and everybody wants attention. Yes, I am grateful that it is easier to be accepted by society, but come on. Are people really so low that they would stoop to that level?

I am going to listen to music for now, I think. Or I will read some of my Webtoons. They have really nice comics. People are so creative and it is awesome.

Last updated April 22, 2020