It's 4am and I have yet to sleep in I don't know what I'm doing

I’m not good at well organized writing, however I have a lot of thoughts and feelings through out the day that I need to get out of my head so I can make room for new stuff and to dump out the worry and anxiety.
These are weird times for sure. I would usually be sleeping by now, but I’m not going back to work and to a regular schedule till next week. I had the misfortune of having to have an emergency appendectomy during a pandemic, my first surgery ever, and had to be alone. It was very scary for me. I suffer from very high anxiety and do not do well being alone during new situations and uncertain situations. I have a whole list of mental issues, as do most US raised citizens, and I struggle daily to keep control of my anxiety and depression and adhd, the best I can without meds. I’m scared to take meds because of how they made me feel in the past. I don’t like to feel not myself or out of control. I’m open to peoples ideas and opinions though. Everyone’s brain, body and experience and tolerance is very different.
I’m lucky enough to be “essential” so I’m still able to work and keep my bills paid, but now my body has forsaken me I’m stuck at home healing and resting and feeling stuck and totally out of sorts. The first few days of recovery I was blessed enough to have my family care for me and watch me, but I was starting to feel like a burden and since I was able to move around a bit more I decided I could come home and take care of myself. They are of course only a phone call away, but I hate to feel like a burden which I am very certain they never once thought I was, it’s all in my head, the anxiety talk is the worst. I just really hope I can find things to occupy my time this week so I don’t go crazy, I know we are suppose to be social distancing but having one or 2 healthy visitors here and there can’t hurt and it’s for my sanity, facetime and snapchat calls are great but don’t really do it for me.
I am just so ready to get back to a normal schedule and normal routine.
Now that I have health insurance again I would like to focus on me and my health and get some therapy time in and some other check ups like the dentist and optometrist, that’ll make me feel productive and on top of things, I feel more adulty. I may be 30 but I still don’t consider myself grown up at all.
It’s been 2 weeks off of work and that is a super long time for me. I’m pretty sure I’m getting paid for them though because of sick leave and vacation. I won’t really know till I get back. I feel back asking them through text or calling them. They are great people and I love them and my boss did tell me they will pay me an extra full week outside of my vacation time for this. So hopefully when I get back to work I’ll still be financially okay. I haven’t received my stimulus check yet but I know I’m getting it in my account soon, Its already gone though before I get it so I can’t really count on that for anything. I’m sure it will all work out. Fingers Crossed.
I think I’m finally getting tired so I am going to hit the hay get my ass to sleep. Writing all my feelings down really does help. I know this is a just jumbled up mess of words and subjects but it’s my first entry and my first time ever doing something like this. So I’m sure I will get better at it. Night.