I had the weirdest dream last night that’s been lingering in my mind all day. I don’t know why it won’t go away. I dreamt that I was talking to Clay and he was telling me that he and his girlfriend aren’t really dating and they’re not really serious. In my dream, I had a huge sense of relief. I believe my subconscious was trying to tell me something. Obviously, it’s telling me that I don’t want Clay to be dating; but why? I think part of me still want him to realize he wants to be with me. Let’s say he were to show up at my door and tell me he wants to be with me, would I take him up on that? No, I can’t find it in my heart to feel the same way about him again after the pain he put me through. I think I still have this sort of wishful subconscious thinking because I don’t want to feel rejected. Besides, who does want to feel rejected? After everything I’ve been through, I’ve been commending myself for my strength. But I also want to take a moment to think from Clay’s perspective:
I listened to a podcast today on the influence we have on others. According to studies that have been conducted, people are afraid to say ‘no’ because they don’t want to reject others. As much as I hate the pain and stress that Clay put me through and the number of grey hairs he sprouted in my scalp, I have to say that I know that he is not a selfish person. He was driven to become a selfish person for whatever reason, and he had so much trouble breaking up with me because he was afraid to reject. He needed strength too. Granted, our therapist drove the breakup, but the decision to reject was made by him, and that required a level of strength. But don’t get me wrong, I still hate him. And I have very little respect for him, but I have an inkling of more respect knowing that he had to be strong as well.
Aside from this annoying dream that kept lingering as an image in my head all day, I’ve felt better. I feel good getting back to living a healthier lifestyle. I had a great workout, sat in the sun, and had salmon and veggies for dinner. And on top of that, I now have 3 classes on the studio schedule with my name on it. I feel very proud of myself to have the drive and ambition to help others bring ballet and health lifestyles into their lives.
I seem to have a mixture of emotions today—part of me is very proud and content with life as it is, and part of me is angry and resentful with Clay today. In reality, if he hadn’t done what he did, then I wouldn’t be proud and content with my life today. So why am I still so angry and resentful? I know that at least part of it is that I resent him for giving up and for breaking his vows and the promises that he made for so many years. No matter how much he tells me that he tried to make it work, I will never believe him. If he really wanted it to work, he could have. He made a choice, and I do resent him for the choice he made. I guess there’s no way he could win in this situation. I’m happier without him, but I also resent him for making the choice he did.
My friend Tori has been warning me about being friends with him; she’s worried about me getting hurt. And I totally understand where she’s coming from. I’m afraid that this will end in me getting rejected as a friend once he finds a woman who can be his partner and friend. I’ve been so angry for a while, thinking “why should he have his cake and eat it, too?” He chose to break up with me, and he has to accept the consequences of me not being in his life. Tori also said this same thing to me yesterday. I haven’t thought about it that way in a few weeks because he’s been so friendly and supportive. He’s really been there for me when I’m having emotional breakdowns and really wants to support me in school. It’s so confusing. I want to kick him out of my life as a sort of payback. I don’t feel comfortable seeing him in person. I resent him a bit. But it’s hard for me to kick him out. It’s not that I miss him as my husband, but I certainly miss his presence in my life when I have kicked him out for a couple weeks. I just can’t seem to do it. It’s getting easier this week since his girlfriend is in town and we haven’t been messaging. But that’s the exact worry that I have—if she were to live here, does that mean we would never talk and he wouldn’t need or want me in his life anymore? That’s a huge worry for me, because I know that would hurt me. I don’t want to be put in that position, so I’m tempted to put up my walls and block him out, but I know that would hurt both of us.
I’m all about learning life lessons. My lesson from the breakup is that it should have happened in October (actually, it should have happened in 2016), rather than trying to scoop water out of a sinking ship. We should have taken a deep breath and let the ship go down. Lesson learned. I’m also thinking that maybe it would be best to let the “friend ship” sink now before we go through all of the trouble and pain of slowing the sink. Am I being pessimistic? Everyone, including therapists have been telling me that it is extremely rare for ex’s to be friends. They’re definitely being realistic, I’m just not sure if it’s realistic or pessimistic for Clay and myself. He keeps saying that he wants us to move forward with a new kind of relationship. He would be losing out on his closest friend (physically and emotionally). I feel bad for him, so that motivates me to want to be friends with him, but I don’t have a huge drive myself to be friends with him, and be the kind of friend that he wants to be for me. I know that I can be a great friend, especially towards him, but I don’t have it in me right now to be that great friend for him. I’m just not sure that will ever come with time.
I could contemplate this all night and still not get anywhere. I just need to let time lead the process, and stop trying to take control. Live each day, day by day (as my bff Jax would say).
Three things that made me feel today:
Sunshine - it made me feel so happy
Working out - it made me feel strong and a drive to get stronger and treat my body better
My relationship with Iris - she’s so special to me, and I love spoiling her with fried salmon skin. She makes me feel so loved and I love her so much. She’s my baby.
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