My ex-husband’s 21 year old girlfriend is visiting again from Pittsburgh this week. They just saw each other 3 weeks ago. I’ve never met her, but I hate her. But I guess I don’t really hate HER, I hate what she represents—the type of woman that would make Clay happy. I so badly wanted him to be unhappy after he broke up with me. I wanted all of the future women in his life to rip his heart out, light it on fire, run over it with an F350, and just completely shatter it. I wanted him to realize how happy he actually was with me. But at the same time, I don’t want to be his, or anyone’s, last resort. I hate his new girlfriend because she represents the reason why we were not a good match by being just what he was looking for. But at the same time, she’s young and stupid. She’s a 21 year old college student, who has never experienced life. If he wants to have all of the control in a relationship and someone to constantly want him and miss him like a little puppy, he’ll find that in a 21 year old from a small town, for sure. But I know that she’ll get to 28 or 29 year old and realize that she has never had her own life, that she went straight from being controlled by her parents to being controlled by her boyfriend and shit will hit the fan.
Regardless, I still feel resentful towards him because of the pain he put me through. I also feel resentful of everything he wants in a relationship because I spent so long telling him that what he wants is impossible and unhealthy. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who has all control and decision making power, who decides that he knows what’s best for everyone, in all aspects of life? Who wants to be completely submissive in life and in sex? He’s looking for a voiceless monkey in order to make himself feel wanted, smart, sexy. He doesn’t even realize that all of that stuff needs to come from himself; otherwise, he’ll be throwing himself into another toxic co-dependent relationship that is not going to end well.
And this is why healing is so important.
I have actually been feeling a little bit better myself over the last couple of days about my healing process. I’ve slowly started to accept that I’m really not ready for a serious relationship. I can feel myself really starting to feel more connected with myself and with others, even the men that I’m casually getting to know. I’m not as afraid to open up emotionally towards someone. I’m also not trying to force something to happen out of revenge or resentment towards Clay anymore. I finally feel like I’m doing everything that I need to do for me. I feel free.
I’m not quite afraid of commitment, but I am afraid of commitment to the wrong person. So for now, I’m working on commitment towards myself. I’m the only person guaranteed to always put myself first, to always love myself, be support myself through thick and thin. That really goes for everyone. Everyone is their own biggest advocate. I’m working on being my own biggest advocate. I know that I want my life’s painting to look like adventure, fun, comfort, growth, positivity, responsibility with a tinge of spontaneity.
I know that I want my relationship’s painting to feel like safety, comfort, vulnerable, growth, authenticity, spark, genuine care and selflessness, admiration and gratitude for the other.
Whether I’m single, in a relationship, or as a parent, I always need to be my own biggest advocate, which means setting healthy boundaries without feeling guilty about it. In the meantime, I am truly living for myself. Today was a prime example with my Stretch Class. I always feel such a feeling of fulfillment after teaching this class. My students really seem to enjoy it and I really feel like I’m getting the hang of it. I’m finding my flow more and more every week. I feel really accomplished after teaching this class and getting such positive feedback from students. But shouldn’t I feel accomplished regardless of students liking it? I guess I do feel accomplished, considering where I started. But when my students really enjoy it, it feels like icing on the cake. I just want to soak in that moment. I’m not taking it for granted at all.
I get a growing sense that I am getting stronger with every day. I’m just trying to live my happiest life. I know that grief comes in waves with very high highs and very low lows. Last week, I had one of those lowest lows, and this week, I feel like I’m pretty high. I’m just waiting for it to dip again, while simultaneously reminding myself to stay very present. Staying present is so much harder than it looks. My therapists have been telling me to stay present for months like it’s no big deal. Oh, okay, let me just flip the switch and get on that.
Honestly, I should meditate more. I should also stop “should’ing” myself. Oh, the irony in that statement. To rephrase, I may benefit from meditation and therefore, I plan to make it a priority.
To end things on a positive note, today, I am grateful for:
Being part of an amazing and supportive dance community.
My determination to a better person today than I was yesterday.
This journal, which I believe has been a huge part of my healing process and growth as a person. Knowing that I am being completely vulnerable with total strangers has really helped me become comfortable being vulnerable with myself. It’s such a liberating feeling.
Cheers,
Liv
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