I Hate My Head With Every Fiber in Questioning Everything

The weather is so nice today. It has been raining and cold nonstop for a while, which normally I like, but I was not allowed outside to enjoy it.

Now I can see a beautiful blue above me, dotted with a few puffy clouds. The trees seem a little more green, soaking every bit of sunlight they can get before it leaves again. The neighbors down the street are taking one of their toddlers for a walk, trying to keep him busy I guess.

I wish I could go outside right now. I want to soak up the sunshine with the leaves. I want to lay before the sun and feel my skin open up to the light, tanning my skin. I want to splash around in a pool with my swim team. Coach would approve of this weather very much. I think we would all be in a good mood.

Dad came home for the first time in about three weeks last night. I do not know how long he is staying for, but it brightens my mood a little more. With his brother and sister down our grandparents’ house… or grandparent’s… he is able to come for a little bit. My aunt and uncle can take care of her for a little while and my dad can come and see us.

In spite of all this, I feel so… weird. My body feels shaky and weak. I have had enough food and water, I am sure. Maybe it is the sleep derivation, though, technically, I have been getting enough sleep. I just cannot fall asleep until one or two in the morning, but once get there, I sleep pretty long I think.

Maybe it is an effect of all the emotions boiling and bubbling around my skin. I feel really heavy, like gravity has decided it wants be at the center of the Earth to rot with magma. At first I thought it was an effect of Papa’s passing, but I have felt like this for a while.

I think I will blame it on stress. And all the other feelings I cannot decipher.

Strangely, I am not feeling so depressed about the thing I should. Right now, I should feel swallowed by the occurrence of Papa’s death. But I feel a different type of grief. I feel grief for someone who is still alive. I should not be concerned with that right now but I am. It makes me sick, but I cannot change it.

See, everybody that I eventually end up letting in, trusting, and caring about leaves me. Every time it is when I need them most. I should learn by now not to let anyone in. It will hurt too much.

But this time it was different. A boy on our swim team, who had left for a while, came back on our level. (There are different areas so that a seventeen year old are not swimming with toddlers.) I had always thought he was really cool. I had grown up around people older than me, so I naturally connect more with older people. Maturity?

Anyways, this cute, Asian sixteen year old shows up and I think he would be an amazing friend. I start seeing these awesome things about him and it just goes on. Then we slowly start talking more than just asking for the repeat of a set. The relationships grows a little flower bud. Talking starts turning into decent conversations. I am tentative, because I am terrified of letting someone in. But he just seems so different that I cannot help it.

And then this flower blossoms into a beautiful friendship that scares me to death. But that fear is overridden by joy. I had been struggling with suicidal thought for a while, and then he came into my life. And everything seemed to brighten.

And it was not just when I was with him and the team. It was everywhere. I talked a little more with my friends at school, participated more in classes. I actually felt happy.

Then that moment happened. When your looking at your friend and they do something really normal and a switch inside of you flips. And you are kind of just going “oh, oh no.”

I thought it happened with him, too. Maybe it did and neither of us ever acted. But I got hugs and late night phone calls after practice. We texted back and forth the entire day of Halloween. I even got him to start noticing sunsets more. (I have an unhealthy obsession with the sky.)

I felt so safe when he hugged me. Safer than I did in my own bedroom. He was tall enough that, if I stretched my neck a little, my head could rest on his shoulder. I did not feel too much of the normal crush jitters people talk about. I just felt happy and safe. At home.

And it seemed mutual. We would have long conversations. He would play me things on his guitar. (He is awesome by the way. Destined for something great. I could watch him play all day.) He never minded our age difference, and it never really affected anything. It has never really in all the relationship I have had with people. I tend have more maturity than people twice my age. And I am only fourteen.

I do not know what happened. He just slowly started slipping away. I just assumed he was really busy because it is his junior year, and junior year is the hardest. Our messages started becoming more and more one sided. Then he stopped replying all of the time.

I tried not to think to much of it. I still message him every now and then and sometimes he replies. I know I should stop trying, but it is so hard to.

He is who I want to go to for everything. He is my person. I want to share every sunset and sunrise I see with him. Each cute little dog that passes on the street. I want to be able to share all my pain and all my joy and him be with me for it all, and for him to be able to do the same. I want us to feel comfortable again. Even if he is only just a friend. I cannot lose him too.

He started drifting away at the time we found out about Papa’s cancer. He still does not know any of it. But I so want to tell him. I just do not because I do not want to risk loosing him for good. The fact that he still at least replies to my messages sometimes is something, right?

Everything is so dark now. I cannot fully enjoy this beautiful weather. I have lost my sun. We had promised to go see a sunset together.

I never got to watch him watch that sunset.

Last updated April 22, 2020