Today... in meh...

I was coming out of the bathroom with wet hands when I realized my phone was ringing. As I dried my hands to reach the phone, the voicemail picked up. Unsaved number. Called back. Hospital. Voicemail alert. Mom. Tried to call her back 3 times. 3rd time the line was engaged. I will try later.

My brother sent photos that he got from the hospital regarding her leg and foot. It…it was really…REALLY bad. My house is not big, so when I went into the kitchen and started praying, I also started crying. The grandkid came to see about me. He’s 9. I’m not burdening him with this. After I prayed and cried some more, I finished dinner, fixed me several gin & tonics and kind of turned off until bedtime.

When it comes to our mother, I have given my brother reasons to hate me. I’ve done some shitty stuff. However those things have been few and far in between. I’ve apologized to my mother and gave specifics as to why and she was over them and told me not to worry. He is an unforgiving character. Yes, he helped me get the car I’m driving, but, if you’ve read me, I thought there were strings attached. He still says slick stuff to my mom about me. Always asking when I had last been to see her. I live it when he calls and I’m sitting right there. I always know it’s him.

Anyway… (as I was typing, she called back. Sounds dry, but she is herself, says she feels fine).

So, in the beginning…
I put my mom to bed. It was a whole routine. She would sit on her potty thing, I would put in her catheter if she couldn’t. She’d poop, pee, I would empty it, put a diaper on her then put her to bed. It started to change when I went through depression. I’ve never been to a doctor or been diagnosed but that’s what it was. I still did the routine, but it would be later. I would be so tired after dinner and work and dealing with the kids, I had nothing but sleep.

So one night, I noticed this thing on her foot. I didn’t really know what it was. It was like liquid under her skin, big patch. I thought it was pus or like a big zit. I was careful when we decided to let the stuff out. I was putting stuff on it to keep infection down. Pretty much did the same shit these morons were doing at the facility. It eventually got worse. Her home health aide had to report it. My brother was livid. We never had an argument or altercation about it but it was unspoken. During this time, there was a lot going on. My grandmother had just been put in a nursing home. She was suffering from some of everything. She fell and had broken ribs and was always in pain. A form of dementia. She was on her way out. My cousin’s two oldest boys were living in the house. Selling drugs while my mother and grandmother were there. My mother has Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and my brother found this place specifically because it had a wing for MS patients. It use to be a great place, now the MS wing is gone, they’ve acclimated all those patients into GenPop and the care is sub-substandard.

Shortly after my grandmother went to the facility she died in, my mother went to where she is now. I cried, but the decision was the best for her because I was fucking up.

That wound that I helped start, was not being properly cared for. I had the nerve to be angry and say, “Are you mother fucking kidding me?? They shower her, they change her stockings and see this every day and felt that ointment was going to heal that??”

But they were just trying to put a bandaid on what I started. I mean, it was fine and things were great up until this point. So I try not to be too loud about stuff because I beat myself up saying it’s my fault. My family is…I don’t know. I’m the one they like to kick. So I try to stay hidden in the shadows.

I never intended for this to happen. I only wanted to do my best to take care of my mother. That’s all.

I feel better knowing she is ok, but I’m still fucked up about the whole thing. The pictures my brother sent took me over.

So that’s my story.
Take care, be safe.