About lili in Journal 2020

  • April 8, 2020, 4:25 a.m.
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I wrote this to Kayden about Lili, I still dont think I’ll ever get my pain across until I break free from it all.

Okay I’m tired of feeling bad so imma say this: was me banning lili petty? Maybe. But her blaming everything on me felt like a betrayal when she didnt even get the whole story right. She didnt know Wolfie was fucking around with Trace because he was bored or that Trace tended to use the fact he was little to mess around or try to with me when I was little. Or to get me on his side in the beginning he threatened to kill himself with a knife. Or he told me about his abusive caregiver that made me feel bad. So I basically felt like she was blamiing the entire thing that happened to me on me. I felt like nobody was on my side and the whole tell the police thing made it worse because she knows why I can never do that. That’s why I cant tell the police about Earth or The first guy or any of the guys last few months. I can’t, no one will believe me. What made it even worse, she seemed to think I did it to please someone — just because I’m clingy doesn’t mean I want everyone to fuck me. Yes, I’m a whore. Yes, most of my male friends think I’m trying to flirt with them. That’s just how I talk. I literally cant help it and I’ve been balling this all in for months. It felt like a spit in the face to be the only one blamed when everyone was at fault and I was unaware of majority of the situation. I hated it. No one ever said sorry to me. I said sorry for my part b ut nobody even bothered to ask. I didn’t even show her or you the worst of what happened because I started to cry. So yeah that’s why I have been so bitchy the past few months.

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