Ponderings in 2020 Vision

What is it that’s going to make me happy? And how do I go about taking the necessary steps to achieve my happiness goals without shooting myself in the foot in the process?

I couldn’t sleep last night because I just feel lonely and stuck. Lonely because I can’t seem to find a special someone who is actually decent, who I want to spend time with and share my space with, and who wants to give me some sort of commitment. The Young Buck fits the first two categories, but not the last. Stuck because my job is paying enough for me to get by on a single income here (in a state I love), but I hate my job and the hate grows increasingly by the day. I’m even starting to get annoyed with my coworkers now. Like, I need some new faces to look at besides these two. And actually A is moving to Hawaii next month (staying with the company though and working from home because she’s obsessed with this company), so the literally only other employee/face in this office will be M. I never meet new people with this job. I’ve been here 5.5 years.

I need a fresh start somewhere doing something new without having to worry I’ll end up homeless somewhere.

I also hate that now every time I go to the grocery store I feel the need to drive the rows in the parking lot to make sure my ex isn’t there before entering.

A job outdoors would be wonderful. I know all seasons aren’t ideal for outdoors work. Everyone is like “you should be a park ranger!” but I don’t want a law-enforcement type job. I’m a quiet and reserved individual who is super passionate about the outdoors.

I don’t know what I want. Sitting behind a screen, although I’m very good at doing what I do (accounting work), and it IS paying the bills, is killing me and now affecting my sleep.

I know a lot of my entries these days are of this topic and it’s becoming the same entry over and over and over. I just need the venting.

I have nothing to fall back on. This place is gorgeous and the cost of living is rising rapidly.

I wonder where I’d be at if I DID go through with my quitting plan back in September if they hadn’t offered the raise to stay.

I have a friend who quit her government job with the IRS a few months ago to pursue her dream of owning her own personal training business. She is certified and all legal to operate her business, but she earns most of her income doing Uber Eats, Uber, dog-walking and helping a friend run her business website. She vented to me the other day that she was beginning to feel like a failure but was trying to keep her spirits raised. This, of course, made me appreciate MY job that I hate. She seems to be experiencing the “I may have shot myself in the foot” emotions. Its a vicious internal struggle.

I’ve determined I WILL go on a spring time road trip home to visit family in the spring. Once I’m confident my car will be able to handle the roads/mountain passes and that they won’t be covered in snow/ice. I’ve decided on two weeks. Dog will be coming with (hence road trip over flying). Who knows, maybe I can train the cat to enjoy road trips too. She handled the vet visit oddly well and she is inseparable from her brother. Maybe if the dog is in the backseat with her, she’ll be super chill. Otherwise I’m pretty sure I can hire the friend who is the ex-IRS employee to watch her for $$$.

I don’t know when The Young Buck will be back. It actually crossed my mind the other day that I most likely won’t know when he’ll be back until he’s actually back. He can’t tell me through email, and as a non-family.....”acquaintance”, I’m not on any lists or groups that receive that sort of head’s up. All I know is that it’ll be roughly 90 days after they left. Since his last email specifically stated that he didn’t want me to get my hopes up (which sounds like something I would tell someone if I were trying to let them off gently without being direct) I’m not letting myself get my hopes us. I don’t think he would have even bothered including that statement if he was leaning towards being in a relationship. Of course, there is an underlying layer of hope buried deep within my soul, but until I get some sort of indication that I have permission to raise that hope, I’m keeping it at bay.

Its just crazy to me that back in the day my grandpa could drive a school bus for the school district and make enough money that my grandma could stay at home all day and watch their 5 boys in a rather large house.