Sign on the Dotted Line in Musings

One of the main reasons Liam and I haven’t set a date in stone for our wedding and hoopla is that I have a iron clad prenuptial agreement that protects my assets if there is any instance of divorce and it states that if there is a divorce, wether it is infidelity or a dissolution of matrimony, Andy will not and shall not be responsible for dividing any assets that are/were part of his own before the legal agreement of marriage… MEANING, I will not be responsible if we divorce to pay alimony or divide any sort of assets that belong to me prior to us and/or divide any assets that were attained during our marriage if there is no co-ownership…
This is why Liam owns the apartment that HE bought, HIS name is on the deed… Did I put money into the apartment? Absolutely; Yes, but this is his and I’ve put myself in the predicament that regardless of my investment, there is no way that I can reclaim the apartment we’ve bought–LEGALLY, it will always be his, and everything I’ve had before him will always be mine and I would have no legal authority to take it…
He jokes around with me and tells me “yeah I’m not gonna take all your money babe, I’m not that type of man, but I think you’re gonna be that type of man to take everything from me!” And it boggles my mind… read the contract I am putting in your face with one of the best lawyers in NYC… get you’re own counsel and have them read what I need you to sign to continue on with our relationship… and if money is an issue with you, then you’re really not the man that I believed you to be…
I signed a prenuptial agreement with my last husband who was belligerently rich and his mother was so insistent on me having to sign it… but when our marriage failed…guess what Alexander did? He literally said “fuck the prenuptial agreement, he is and will always be my everything and Andy will have alimony, he will keep the apartment, I will give him half of everything in all of my accounts, down to my trust fund. I want nothing from him, I love this asshole, and I will not react in vengeance, ‘cause I will always love that guy. I know I fucked up big time and I don’t want Andy to ever suffer” and that was and is my ex-husband…
Alex is the one that is pushing for me to get a prenuptial agreement, because everything I have is because he gave it to me—
I don’t want to tell Liam… what makes you think that if you sign this prenuptial agreement, I won’t give you half of everything anyway? Alex’s prenup said something like if he was ever to cheat on me, I would still have no right to sue him for divorce and alimony… but if I cheated on Alex, I would be left penniless and leave the marriage with nothing but what I came into the marriage with… so all of my financial worth from marriage on was his if I cheated…
At the end of the day I fucking signed it… I knew I loved Alex and I trusted he wouldn’t cheat on me… and when it came down to the end of our marriage… he left me with everything and anything…
I don’t know how to explain to Liam without saying that it’s just a leap of faith and knowing the person you are getting into bed with… I’m not gonna tell him, “well just sign it and just know that if we don’t work out, I will still take care of you” because then he’s not doing it with the right intention…

Sign the fucking paper… take a fucking chance on me and on us, my word is my bond—if I say I love you… I love you… Alex still calls me from time to time… Alex’s aunt visits me and gives me priceless jewelry that she should be saving for Alex’s new beau…but guess what, that new beau he has will never, ever know what it is to truly love someone, completely… through thick and thin… Alex would physically abuse me, and I stood by him… and I’m not trying to undermine his new partner, I loved Alex in such a serious way, I loved him and still love him so much that I am confused on who’s side I am on—did I love Alex more than myself or did I just not love myself enough and Alex was frustrated? Am I on his side? Or am I on my side?
Liam doesn’t understand the way that I love. I don’t love for fun… it’s an excruciating process… and I am self sacrificing and self loathing and I want to be who you want to love…and no matter how many times you beat me, or show me how insignificant I am to you—unfortunately, I will always return like a loyal dog…

Liam told me recently “yeah I don’t think you love the way you tell me Andy…there’s something off about the way you say you love babe”
Yes! yes! There is something wrong and fucked up about the way I love… because I will love you and vouche for you, I’m not a stupid person, I am aware of how destructive and counterintuitive it is—but it’s hard being a real ass bitch, in a fake ass world… being genuinely selfless is suspicious… but this is me… there is something off about me Liam, but it’s not because I’m off, it’s because everyone else is off and you’re off… you don’t trust and you don’t value that I have self-worth…

Signing the papers isn’t gonna be like an Ariel and Ursula moment… it’s a barricade on how stupidly I would just destroy myself for you.