sick in Diary

I've been really depressed, lately. That's why I haven't been writing here, or anywhere. There's no point in talking about what's going on in my life, because my life has been full of a whole lot nothing for so long. I intend to connect with an organization this Sunday I've had a lot to do with in the past. Obviously I'm avoiding mentioning the obvious, but you can read between the lines if you'd like. Black. That's what it says between the gray words. Every time I write the word "gray" I want to write it as grey. I guess I prefer the English spelling. Or the British, I suppose I should say.

When I listened to music in the past I used shoutcast.com. But the past couple months I haven't been able to get it to work for me. The browser wants to download and open a .pls file, which I can't get to play on any of my applications, on my PC. So I've been starved for some good trance. I'm listening to it now for the first time in months through live365. Thankfully I was able to find A State Of Trance right away, and it plays online like it used to on shoutcast. Already, I feel much better than I did before I pressed play.

It was good to see my dad and grandma, today. I only have one left, unfortunately, at this point. But she's great. It's nice to have her around. She's become all bent-looking, and she thinks her cat can split the end of its tail at will, but other than that she's in good health. She's 90, but looks more like 80.

The point in talking about connecting with people is that I wanted to say I'm going to try to get to know as many people there as possible so I can find a job and get my life back on track. It's not like my life is over. I can get better. I can get through this. I just need some support. I spend far too much time alone, and it's making me so crazy.

Exciting news, I did some raking in the yard today. The neighbor's ponderosa pine shat all over the lawn. It's a mighty tree, but still, what a mess. The cones I don't mind, they gather right up, but the needles are tough to rake as they slide through the tines. Maybe I need a better rake. Anyway, it feels good to do yard work. Not only is it good exercise, but it helps me appreciate the land I live on instead of just ignoring it like I often do, being so eager to shut myself up in four walls.

What is not enough for one, just right for two, and too much for three? Something I have far too many of. None of them hurt anyone else but myself, but still, they weigh heavily on my conscience. Surprisingly, I still have one of those. I dull it too often, but I intend to clean that part of my life up. Not having income is the worst thing in the world, and I'm becoming increasingly convinced that making money is the best thing. Making money equals a much happier life. That's been my experience.

I'm so sick of talking about the same things all the time in this diary, sick of the way I've been living my life. I feel like the worst person in the world, although I know there are much worse people out there. If I can just stop abusing myself..........

Well, it's been good to write here again, finally. Hopefully you all are doing well.