Turn and face the strange in Snowspangled

If I had my life to do over, and I knew everything I know now, I would have applied to university from high school. I was afraid I’d get in and not be able to afford it, and basically get laughed at for trying. Nobody told me that I could have expected the government to pay for most of it. I would have gone. Then I wouldn’t have run away with the skeezy guy who was basically a sex-predator-lite, with whom I wasted four years and almost a baby. (Don’t ask about that baby.)

And while sex-predator-lite was how I found out I’m bi, I didn’t realize that I WASN’T for a long time. I’m not bi. I don’t think I do guys at all. You guys are funny as fuck, and you’re great pals, but I really don’t want any of you to touch me. I would not throw my panties at Jason Momoa. I mean, I see why you guys want to, but yeah, he can go undecorated with my frillies. He’s gorgeous, yes, but I’m not going to risk death to try and touch him or anything.

So from sex-predator-lite I ran straight to Clueless Boy. And his whole Mormon schtick was “have tons of kids” but while he was willing to do that bit, he forgot the “work really hard, pay tithing” bits. He only does the fun shit. It’s very irritating. I want some fun shit, too. So I keep running headlong into how much I resent him, and I can’t find a way into the topic. I can’t encapsulate it. I keep thinking I have one image, one perfect analogy, and then a whole new level of shit he did or didn’t do pops up and I’m overwhelmingly angry again.

Today was my last filling. To make a long story shorter, I didn’t have dental care as a kid. And I didn’t get any as an adult. Basically, I had to have a monster abscess to have someone say “oh hey you need the dentist.” And once that was over, he didn’t take me back for the rest of the treatment plan (which is relevant because he was the only driver then.) So I had to go years getting fillings willy-nilly. But I have the last one.

Next up is an extraction, in March. It’ll be followed by dentures. Because 40 year olds should need those, right?

Well, it’s a partial. But I am still very insecure about the whole idea, and really not looking forward to midterms without a front tooth. But I have to do it. I can’t hide, I can’t not come, I can’t stop now. So I’ll just have to pray nobody notices. For three to six weeks.

Yeah I don’t see that going well.

But I’ll survive. That I know I can do.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to get an internship in the end. I keep thinking I’m going to get dropped from the program in the end. Even after all this work.

And I’m anxious about something, but I forgot what…gimme a minute.