Sometimes he's right and I hate it in Musings

I guess he’s right.
I don’t know sometimes I’m so self-absorbed and so full of myself that I don’t want to admit that he’s right… but he’s right.

He came home from a long, long day of work… I work sparingly… I have the privilege to do that… he works his ass off and he’s up at 4:30 AM, he works out, comes back at like 6:00 AM takes a shower, sometimes he wants to fuck… well… MOST times he wants to fuck before he goes into work… and MOST times I’m like “bro I’m sleeping”

So he had a rough day at work. He had a rough day at the gym. I didn’t want to fuck. But I had gotten up and walked out puppy and I get home and he’s heated. I make him a small breakfast and I pack his lunch and he gives me a cold kiss goodbye… and I’m none the wiser of why… I just know that he’s not a cold guy.

He texts me at like 1 pm.
‘What’s good? What you upto?’ He texted
‘just walked the puppy and now heading to work’
‘You’re heading to work now????’ He texted
‘Yeah babe’
‘Must be nice to be the princess of the house’ he texted and gave me a rolling eye emoji
‘Princess???’ I said ‘watch how you talk to me Liam’ I said.
‘ No offense Andy, but you need to learn your place’ he texted

And I went haywire… fuming… I didn’t text him back and at like 5 PM he texted ‘we need to talk, I made reservations for dinner on 24th street at 8:45 pm’
‘Oh I’m not sure if I can make that’ I said back
‘Don’t fuck with me Andy. Show up at the restaurant, do what you have to do, your salon is 5 blocks away from the restaurant, that’s where I am expecting you’
‘Don’t fucking talk to me like that, who the fuck do you think you are?!’ I responded
‘I’m your man. I’m your fiancé. I’m the bread winner that’s who the fuck I am. If you’re not at the restaurant start thinking about where your gonna be sleeping’ he texted.
I was furious and deep down inside I kind of knew what he was getting at.

I get to the restaurant 10 minutes late… on purpose…
He has ordered the wine. He has ordered my food.
And I was like “yo why are you making my decisions? You wanna order my food??!” I said.
“You have a problem?”he said leaning back in his chair and licking his lips “you don’t want the fucking salad?” He said flipping his fitted cap backwards “you wanna make a scene Andres or you wanna sit your ass down? Cause I’m gonna make a fucking scene, you think you’re gonna make a scene—sit. the. fuck. down.” He said.

I sat down because he became really intimidating and I realized—when the fuck did my man start having testicles?

I love Liam. I think he’s an incredibly talented artist. I think he’s an incredibly talented tattooist. I think that he’s incredibly genuine and generous with his time and his patience and I am and have been just making OUR relationship about ME and MY needs… without really considering him.

“You wake up whenever the fuck you feel like it” he said looking at me “that’s cool and fine or whatever, you bought a dog without asking ME. You arrange our apartment without MY input. You treat me like dirt ANYTIME I ask for something that I need” he said sipping his wine and just staring at me.
“Oh? Really—” I said as he interrupted me.
“When I work as hard as I do, and I get from the gym and I wanna fuck—it’s your fucking duty as my partner to satisfy me—fuck that dog… when I come home from working and you just worked 2 hours and I don’t have a meal and you ‘don’t want me to emasculate you’ but you wanna act like I’m the bread winner and you’re the fucking wife, for a lack of a better metaphor—I need my dick sucked, I need my meals made, the mortgage is under OUR name but I AM paying all of the utilities, the taxes, the mortgage and you wanna lay around????” He said wiping his mouth clean with the white napkin “you fucking act like the wife and fulfill your duties as such or you get your ass up and hustle just as much as I do… I don’t care which one, but I am not gonna do this with you, where I just feel like I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t want to ‘emasculate’ you but you’re legitimately emasculating me!” He said as he puffed his chest and clenched his jaw.
“Well I don’t mean to emasculate you” I said in a huff.
“Well then stop taking on the, what is it that you call it?, heteronormative blah blah blah bullshit—you’re legit acting like a lazy fucking wife and I’m getting the shit end of the stick! The dog gets more from you than I do—and I’m suppose to be your man and I’m a human!” He said. He was so angry he snapped his fingers at a waiter and asked for the check…
“I’m not done eating Liam” I said irritated.
“Yeah well I am. And I am paying the check, we can leave when your done with your salad”

I kept my mouth shut. In some fucked up way I know he is right… I always want to be the man, I always want to be in charge but I don’t put in the work that it actually takes to actually be an equal… and when I fail in that equation, and he tries to correct it, I tell him “you’re threatening my masculinity!”

We got home… our puppy needed to go outside and he took the puppy for a walk and I kept contemplating… fuck I hate that he’s right… I’m falling into this fucked up heteronormative dichotomy that is obvious and I keep blocking him off to fulfill his end of the divide.

He came home. Walked the puppy toward me, and walked straight into the bathroom to shower.

I hate when he’s right… I don’t do shit all day and I don’t really pay for anything. I don’t contribute to anything, except to abuse him financially and psychologically. I don’t think that just ‘not feeling’ like having sex with him after him working for 12-14 hour days plus him keeping up with his gym MOSTLY, because I told him I wouldn’t wanna fuck him if he’s too fat or flabby…and him coming home to just my lazy ass on the couch and he has no food made… I sometimes make him a lunch for work—but I choose our dog over him… like what am I thinking???!

So he got out of the shower and he’s fucking heated as fuck… and I literally had to swallow my pride and tell him “Babe, you’re right… you’re the man of the house, you’re the king of the house, you take care of everything in this house, You pay the bills, you wake up at the crack of dawn and I am so self involved that I don’t even care about your needs and I want to take care of our new puppy and throw your needs to the side like you don’t exist” and I kneeled toward him in the bed, and he’s angry as fuck.
“You fucking need to watch your slick little mouth Andy. You talk fucking wild, crazy shit to me but you’re just the spoiled brat in my castle and I hate saying that, but learn your fucking place or work to match me! You get it???” He said pushing my hands off of him. Walking toward the mirror to brush his hair.
It pissed me off that he said that… but then I was like… “isn’t he right? I wanna be his equal but I don’t work to be his equal and I just abuse him and force him to see me as his equal and he just is fed up”
If I’m behaving like a housewife, then I need to learn my fucking place and behave like a housewife… food should be made. He should get blowjobs more often. His clothing should be laundered. Etc.etc.

I walked over to him and had an entire humble pie… and I hugged him…

I think I’ve never dated a Puerto Rican man because I wasn’t ready to be put in my place, until now.

“Yo stop touching me Andy” he said pushing me off “I just feel gross thinking that you wanna touch me now and I’ve been dying to touch you for like 3 FUCKING weeks bro! Like I can’t keep my hands off of you, I jerk off at least 4 times a day thinking of you and you just wanna walk the dog?!” He said turning around and I hugged him and he pushed me off of him.
“Babe!” I said “I’m sorry. I get it. I’m sorry!!” I said pushing my way toward him.
“Yeah aight your sorry” he said as I put my head on his chest and untied his towel.
“I’m sorry Liam” I said kissing his chest and wrapping his arms around me.
“Andy, when I got back from the gym this morning and I just wanted to cuddle and I dunno get a blowjob, or even a handjob and you pushed me away ‘cause your tired’ and 5 minutes later you get up and make me lunch and walk the dog… I felt fucking gross man!” He said as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Liam I’m sorry babe. That’s not my intention” I said kissing his neck.
“Yeah well I’m not trying to ‘emasculate’ you and I’m not trying to whatever smart shit you’re saying—heteronormative-izely-ism” he said as he became less tense. I giggled in the space on his neck and kissed him.
“I like when you speak your mind Liam” I said as I kissed him.
“Yeah, well I just wanna fuck you and then get this baby batter out, and I gotta tell you more things” he said as he kissed me.
“No!” I said as he pushed me aggressively toward the bed. “Tell me now!” I said as I felt water dripping from his hair and him wrapping my legs around him.
“Hell no” he said spitting in his hand and forcing himself into me. “You’re fucking crazy! I don’t wanna talk, I just wanna make love to my beautiful fiancé” I squealed as he kissed me and thrusted ravenously. “I missed fucking you” he said as he kissed me and breathed heavily and shortly after growled loudly, pressing his lips into mine, clenching his entire body.
“I just love you Andy” he whispered into my mouth as he kissed me, gliding his hands down my chest, holding my hands in his and laying on top of me.
“Fuck, I really do love you” he said kissing my forehead, pulling out of me “you’re my everything… you piss me off, but I’ll do anything and everything for you”

He laid next to me and spooned me… pulling the blankets over our bodies…

I woke up before he left for the gym and made love to him… I walked the dog while he was at the gym and he came back and he had breakfast made, he had lunch made and I made love with him again....
he asked me “Babe what time do you work today?” And I said “I’m not working today, I didn’t schedule myself in”
And he smirked and said “oh okay. You’re gonna rest then?” And I said “yeah, no… if I’m gonna act like a housewife then I might as well do it right..right?” I said giggling.
“NO!” He said “NO, NO. Be whatever you wanna be, you wanna stay at home, that’s fine with me, you wanna work, that’s fine with me”
“Yeah. I got it babe”