BettiePageSweatsCheapVodka ⋅

Writer. Reader. Inadvertent cheater of death. Your lover with too much eyeliner on.

Maybe that's what we look for all our lives, the worst possible grief, to make us truly ourselves before we die. Louis-Ferdinand Céline

Entries 32

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Freshly turned 40, I’m sitting here in my whimsical flamingo pj’s (that were a gift from a certain ex-boyfriend’s not-at-all-whimsical mother) with a gaping golf-ball sized hole in my side. If yo...


It’s funny… Usually when you wake up on the living room floor with your nails all jaggedly broken off, you would be looking around for the culprit. For me, it’s as simple as remembering back to w...


I am surprised to turn and find you in the passenger’s seat as I drive home from my date. There’s many reasons why I’m startled to see you there. For one thing, you weren’t with me on the way the...


Lately, I have been thinking a lot about this quote I underlined in Journey to the End of the Night by Louis-Ferdinand Celine…The best thing to do when you’re in this world, don’t you agree, is t...


6 days ago

Expletive in OD OG

I slept with him again. After declining months of his invitations dressed up as come-ons, I finally gave in. I don’t know why. Like many other times before, he told me he was passing through town...


February 13, 2024

The Attempt That Was Made in OD OG

i. ryoko you weren’t even talking to me by the time i tried to kill myself that year. the first push happens around my birthday, when, for reasons unknown, your boyfriend, colin, dumps you uncere...


February 12, 2024

God's Scissors in OD OG

I am going to die. Even though I’m only about 6 years old and my life has barely started, I am certain of it. His hand of burred skin already covering my mouth and nose, he leans hard on my windp...


February 11, 2024

Thumbprint in The Alex Era

You never cared for Salinger, but for me, his books are my religion and my ballast. I return to them again and again when I feel lost in circumstances. You must’ve watched me re-read them at leas...


If anyone asks…it wasn’t me. I wasn’t even there. My defense….my paltry, paltry defense…my cage of denial. Went out to spend the weekend with that guy I went on a date with…Before I even went, I ...


February 09, 2024

Fireworks vs Shrapnel in OD OG

“You’re so easy.” I hate that he says that to me…but, ironically, it’s the way he’s gotten me undressed the fastest. A crack of a cap gun at the start of the race. A bugle call for the sun coming...


February 08, 2024

An Interruption of My Reverie in OD OG

I am standing in the kitchen of a cottage I don’t recognize. The kitchen is a rich blue with pops of yellow gingham. Daffodils in a cobalt vase. Curtains that actually complement the walls. Coppe...


Last night, he offered me his arm to hold. We were on the street in a white out. I grabbed on, as we slid our feet over sidewalks greased with the sludge of the people who shuffled there before ...


So I put my foot back in the dating pool…and I survived. Not sure what else I accomplished besides survival….which is my usual MO…Survival and not a whole helluvalot else… but hey, not ending up ...


“Please, mom, don’t let me get shot-I don’t want to die yet.” My 8 year old begs me this as we are running to the exit of the mall. The crowd blurs around us. I can’t pick out individual people-o...


Found this old entry saved on my laptop from another site I was using in OpenDiary’s hiatus. (4 years is still considered a hiatus, right?) What can I say, after OD, I used to blog around. For a ...


Facebook is kind of a cunt. It loves to remind me of people that no longer love me anymore or that are now good & dead. Sometimes it even reminds me of people that fell out of love with me be...


February 02, 2024

In Your Pursuit in The Alex Era

The day of the fight, I don’t know what possessed us. Any of us. Your father, you, me. You and I were supposed to be leaving, heading out to visit my friends in Fredonia where I went to school. Y...


Just returned from some late night smoking out on the front steps in a polka dot bathrobe and old pj’s. Listen, you can take the girl out of the white trash upbringing, but you can’t take the dys...


Back in 2020, I woke up to the news that Kenny Rogers had passed. This news prompted me to look back in my OD archives for this ridiculously trying-hard-to-offend piece I wrote about a true event...


January 30, 2024

Pinkie Promise with the Devil in OD OG

We are all dressed in Sunday best the day you nearly run us over with your car. Your nicest clothes are dark olive Dockers like mechanics wear & a plaid button down shirt, but you still reek ...


so, there are teeth in my drawer at work. 2 teeny, rootless, jagged little baby teeth that previously resided in my daughter’s mouth. i have always struggled with any kind of holidays or traditio...


I’ve been thinking about the day you shot the cow in the yard. I had a Fisher Price tape recorder as a child, all primary colors and thick, chunky plastic parts. It was my favorite toy when I was...


Well, I’m re-entering the blogging world it would appear… What have I been doing? Procreating it would appear–as I have another child since the last entry. I swear, I do more than NOT write in th...


January 26, 2024

Bare Walls in The Alex Era

I’ve been thinking about that trip we took to Brooklyn…It was the last time you looked at me through the tunnel vision of a loving spyglass, drawing me close by focusing in on only me. After that...


January 25, 2024

THE REAL KICKER in The Alex Era

I remember him telling me a story about being at a bar in his 20s. He was there with his friend, Robert, whom later in life would only be referred to by the unfortunate name of El Dirtbag-o by Al...


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