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1.) Build a better fidget spinner that’s also a cigar cutter, bottle opener and glass breaker and the neckbeards will beat a path to your door. 2.) The EDM remix’s lyrics go “What the world need ...

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1.) Whenever they say “we’re being fiscally responsible” they mean “we’re letting the poor die so the rich can buy another yacht”. 2.) If you break your leg cleaning the cult leader’s bathroom, t...

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at the edge of the cosmos when everyone is crooked, kind of shady you show up in your ship with three weird looking dudes and one green lady first I say no, I’ve got no skill for that c...

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1.) You all screaming “1st Amendment!” when a private ballclub kicks out a racist but want the gov’t to arrest Colbert, you can honk on my knob. 2.) If you are “making content”, stop doing that. ...

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1.) Is audible even an actual web service? It might just be a cover for people who want to anonymously fund every podcast. 2.) I’m still disappointed that Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” isn’t a c...

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1.) If you take some manga porn with you camping, that there’s some tentai. 2.) BATTLEFIELD EARTH is a perfect example of a cautionary Terl. 3.) Your fighter’s too OP. NO DON’T NERF ME! Your figh...

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1.) I’m still surprised they never made an awful movie outta that “MAK-in’ COP-ies” guy. 2.) No human’s “illegal” no child’s “illegitimate”, reflect upon why you need to pretend other people are ...

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1.) You go from comic shop to comic shop, buying a Wolverine comic from every shop. It’s called a Bub Crawl, all the cool kids are doing it. 2.) They’ll make a disease that makes you need Pepsi a...

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1.) Now I’m trying to imagine what kinds of malaprops Yoda Berra would’ve come up with. “Over it is not until over it is, yes.” 2.) It is important that I do not write a version of “Welcome to th...

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1.) A spherical Slap Chop called A Dicin’ Sphere. 2.) Aquaman bought his castle with a sub-prime loan and now the poor guy’s underwater. 3.) Your murder mystery novel about the death of a margari...

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1.) Ebenezer could not believe he had contracted Trichinosis. “Bah,” he said derisively, “ham bug!” 2.) If I had muscles, I’d flex them in public until someone asked me what I was doing then I’d ...

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1.) He couldn’t prove they were prairie dogs, most a priori dogs, really. 2.) Here at GYMNASEUM, we charge just one dollar a month for a membership card so you can pretend you go to a gym. 3.) Th...

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1.) A sitcom about two cousins trying to hide their serial killings from each other called PERFECT STRANGLERS. 2.) Who wants to explain to Dunkin Donuts that DD Perks is a much better name for a ...

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1.) Would more people use condoms if we called them “bonedanas”? 2.) I used to be a hypochondriac but I think I got sick of it. 3.) CATHOLIC JOKE: You know what happens when God “assumes”. “U” an...

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1.) I PUT A SPELL ON YOU, NOW YOU’RE A MIME, I PUT A SPELL ON YOU, NOW YOU’RE A MIME 2.) Salman Rushdie really pissed off the vegans with “The Seitanic Verses”. 3.) Photoshop’s slogan should be “...

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1.) Flanders can’t cook Italian food because even seeing the word “pecorino” makes him think about his doodle. 2.) To properly gloat in chess against an Australian, punctuate your victory with a ...

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1.) If something’s in the back of the fridge for a while, you can pretend you ate it over the last few days even through you ate it all at 3AM. 2.) Tell the artist “Oh man, that was great! That w...

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1.) Eating so much corn you start throwing up and hallucinating is called Iowaska. 2.) If you repair the bottom of your shoe, is that a sole patch? 3.) Any time you use “2-D” to describe “two dim...

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1.) I know that there’s a line between self-awareness and self-absorption but I also know that I don’t know where that line is. 2.) Pronounce Wimbleton “Wibbleton” and when challenged, proclaim t...

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1.) I don’t believe there’s an Illuminati but I sure hope that there are people who think they are the Illuminati. That’d be fun. 2.) Is the head of the sewer-department chosen in a run-off elect...

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1.) An alternate title for “American Gods” could be “Myth Takin’ Identities”. 2.) Another parody concept funny in theory but lacking an audience to get the joke: “Dr. Feelgood”/”Dr. Strangelove”....

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1.) Change your last names and start a neo-vaudeville comedy act called Difficult and Necessary. 2.) A small orchestra entirely built from precious metals called “The Financial Instruments”. 3.) ...

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1.) Maybe an attempt to aid peanut farming w/ radiation in the town left the children precocious but deformed & damaged the adults’ vocal cords. 2.) I’ve seen no evidence of magical things in...

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1.) Omit a single comma and suddenly Bill and Ted are partying on the back of a giant Jeffrey Lebowski. 2.) Step 1. Create a really smooth cheese sauce. Step 2. Name it “The Velveteen Rarebit”. S...

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1.) Knowing little about golf I imagine Ben Hogan as Hulk Hogan except with a golf club. And I know it’s wrong but it’s too fun to stop. 2.) If the world’s largest non-atomic bomb is necessary, w...

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