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1.) Market your plaid tank-tops as “Sleeveless In Seattle”. 2.) On the really warm days, they’ll take the court outside for a summery judgement. 3.) Battling anxiety is a marathon not a sprint, e...

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1.) It’s like a Ouija board except it jumps a little higher. It’s a Luigi board. 2.) Do vegan hockey fans throw vegetables instead of squid? Would that make it a… Mirepoix on Ice? 3.) Krang broke...

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1.) The key is to always have a Stan Freberg song at the ready to sing when people request “Freebird”. Claim misunderstanding and go for it. 2.) Step 1: Name your band “Sex Saw”. Step 2: get book...

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1.) If you ever write a Daredevil story arc, here’s your title: LETHAL INJUNCTION 2.) Are all your rowdy friends here for Monday night? Good. Lock the doors. Only the final survivor of Monday Nig...

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1.) Your asthmatic vampire character will be called Vlad The Inhaler. 2.) Prithee but know thou my name as Paul and henceforth know your troubles as betwixt y’all. 3.) Never trust a man with the ...

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1.) Remember when memes were pop ephemera like “left shark” not the conman with the nuke codes being publicly incoherent? 2.) Here’s another parody too obscure to write or perform: “Son Of A Prea...

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1.) THERE GOES MY CAMEL/HE ONLY HAS ONE HUMP/THERE GOES MY CAMEL/A DROMEDARY 2.) Their argument about the original Japanese versions of video games escalated to a full-blown dorky-dorky panic. 3....

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1.) Calamari would be popular with millenials if you called it “Cthfoodlu”. 2.) If I were a Life Coach, I would take the concept literally and just keep reminding the person to breathe. 3.) Your ...

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1.) We became a client state of a Russian dictatorship not by war but by their turning our own crony capitalism against us. Fitting & awful. 2.) No one believed the orc had actually stabbed h...

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1.) Youtube preppers even gender their nut-bag concealed carry with pastel holsters for women. Everything wrong with America at once. JESUS. 2.) It is your DUTY to go boldly and split-infinitives...

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1.) That crystal organic deodorant? If they got that crystal from inside a rock, would that be geode-erant? 2.) A nightmare, this time of gradual apocalypse. Of civilization and infrastructure’s ...

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1.) EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY is sexy to nearly any orientation as it contains both peak-Geena Davis AND peak-Jeff Goldblum. FACT. TRUE FACT. 2.) If Train has a celebrity wine called “Drops of Jupiter...

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1.) When someone tries to sell you homeopathic stuff, put a penny in their hand and take it back then say “homeopathic money”. They LOVE it. 2.) If you make a horror movie about the Spring-Heeled...

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1.) The machine would give you the soda, then you’d push a button, then you’d put in the money. The machine was out of order. 2.) After he blurted that he stored his wang in a parallel dimension ...

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1.) Only the most confident mohel has the guts to yell “FORE…” as if he’s playing golf and then mutter “…skin” afterwards. 2.) When they ask you what you were like when you were young tell them “...

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1.) All in all, I feel like Yakov Smirnoff wished on a cursed monkey’s paw “Make me relevant again!” and then this all happened. 2.) A bunch of D&D characters sitting down together in a quiet...

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1.) Whenever I see Mark Wahlberg in a “cute” commercial, I wanna retch. He once blinded a man just for being Vietnamese, for Christ’s sake. 2.) The bad news is, this story will move forward after...

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she don’t got legs, she’s some kind of fish-thing oh how she begs, with hopin’ and wishing she wants legs, made of human meat all the way down to, oh, what is the word, feet? her dad forbade…...

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1.) He still laughs at the armored nun, he doesn’t want to but it’s a tough habit to break. 2.) World-building is cool. You know what’s REALLY cool? Character-building. 3.) I want a holiday calle...

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1.) If there’s nothing new under the sun then, baby, everything is new. Go into the world, go do as you do. 2.) I guess I could write a parody of Alice In Chains “Would” about the woodchuck puppe...

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1.) Of tall, dark and handsome, I unarguably have at least “tall” down and in baseball, .333 is an all-star. 2.) Roger Rabbit, gagged bound kidnapped, waking up to his stalker whispering in his e...

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1.) In Soviet Cheers, everybody names YOU. 2.) If only more people knew about the Church of the Subgenius and Bob Dobbs I could totally write a “Baby Got Slack” parody. 3.) YOU AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT ...

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1.) The measure of an enlightened mind is the ability to admit when you’re wrong not double down and make denial a part of your identity schema. 2.) The news makes me feel angry. My day to day ma...

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1.) Well, if democracy survives this, at least we’ve now debunked “unless they’re 100% pure, they’re lesser of two evils” thing forever. 2.) At Titanic Speed-dating, ice breaks you. 3.) I’m surpr...

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1.) The idea you may just be a splinter of the universe exploring itself before it rejoins the whole doesn’t make the day-to-day any easier. 2.) I am a garlic bagel with strawberry cream cheese. ...

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