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1.) That cornball Sterling said he’s “never seen a spate of injuries like this year’s Yankees.” LOOK A COUPLE MILES EAST IN QUEENS, JACK. 2.) This is what happens when you reject good people for ...

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1.) If Brangelina and Bennifer had been in a four-way, imagine the confusing portmanteau. 2.) The moment you know a pop song is no longer relevant is the moment an ironic swing cover of it arrive...

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1.) A “virgin” margarita should be called Agave Maria. 2.) Remember: Trumpcare is ONLY about moving money from the poor & middle classes to the ultrarich, no “personal responsibility” B.S. 3....

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1.) Anyone who’d call themselves a “success coach” with a straight face is neither a coach nor able to help one succeed. 2.) Hell is only other people if you’ve never come to terms with the fact ...

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1.) I still say “emoji” sounds like a genie that listens to The Cure down there in the bottle. 2.) Paradoxically, only in urbane NYC can you get away with the Yankees embarrassingly corny radio h...

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1.) Before we can do this tarot reading, we’ll need to discuss the Hierophant in the room… 2.) Fruit Brute riot (riot!) breakfast for so many years, Fruit Brute riot (riot!) a cereal that was bor...

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1.) “More like JERK-182!” 2.) The videos of recipes camera down into the bowl are just about never having to develop stars they’d have to pay well. 3.) An obsessive compulsive’s knuck tats would ...

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1.) Mothra picks up a human in a thick down jacket and comments to Godzilla, “you can tell winter’s coming from their coats.” 2.) I kind of want to make something titled “Nopin’ For A Miracle”. 3...

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1.) May as well be carving concerns into Pompeii’s walls but can’t give up now. Wouldn’t even know how. 2.) Just once I’d like to see a Cathy Mitchell infomercial where halfway through, Edie McCl...

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1.) There are certainly saddest phrases than “butternut squash risotto” but, damn, isn’t that crushing enough as it is? 2.) Your designer scarf shop will be called “The Scarving Artist” and may G...

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1.) I like to think Officer Big Mac is no longer in McDonaldland because Sandwich Internal Affairs busted him for colluding with the Hamburglar. 2.) Maybe they were looking for multiple people to...

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1.) You aren’t letting people down if you pull back to get yourself together. You can only help others if you’re healthy enough first. 2.) I don’t know who infuriates me more, the far-right wacko...

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1.) Being lonely is awful but getting into a bad situation just to not be alone would be far worse. 2.) If Dracula can turn into mist, does that make him vaporwere? 3.) Before and after, it’s jus...

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1.) So a boxer near the end of his prime is going to smear a UFC guy in a boxing match and… that’s supposed to be interesting? 2.) A man who normalized white supremacists as a congressman doesn’t...

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1.) Male privilege messes men up so much already, you grant us handsome privilege too, we’re probably doomed to go squirrely, I reckon. 2.) If you sleep with two dryads, is that a tree-way? 3.) B...

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1.) Now is the time when sports radio should be talking about baseball non-stop but will only talk about boring NFL mini-camps. Bleh. I don’t care if a back-up tight end who ain’t making a practi...

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1.) The knock-off version of an Oreo McFlurry is a Hail Hydrox. 2.) Really, the name “Tom Sizemore” was wasted on a non-porno actor. 3.) TRUE FACT: The only time Pizza Hut was relevant was when y...

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1.) I guess Macaulay Culkin must’ve mistaken Trump as normal on the Home Alone 2 set because Michael Jackson was his baseline. 2.) THE CAKE IS AN ALTERNATIVE FACT 3.) “Who is more thin-skinned th...

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1.) I like how the Universal Monsters Cinematic Universe was named “Dark Universe” by getting a Hot Topic manager high and letting him name it. 2.) When you invariably watch ‘Baby Driver’ on a ta...

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1.) He’s not usually into bestiality but everyone once in a while, sure, he gets a wild hare up his ass. 2.) Sure, you want all the FUN of living in a traveling tent but you don’t wanna do the yu...

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1.) Anthony Bourdain is so chef that despite looking and sounding like a Lou Reed cosplayer, his last name is still French as balls. 2.) “What’s that vulture eating?” Cain asked Adam and after a ...

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1.) All you need to write a love song is “swoon” “moon” & “June”. All you need to write a metal song is “swoon” “moon” & “wound”. 2.) Don’t go challenging me to a crossbow duel, I’ve got ...

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1.) Market your plaid tank-tops as “Sleeveless In Seattle”. 2.) On the really warm days, they’ll take the court outside for a summery judgement. 3.) Battling anxiety is a marathon not a sprint, e...

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1.) It’s like a Ouija board except it jumps a little higher. It’s a Luigi board. 2.) Do vegan hockey fans throw vegetables instead of squid? Would that make it a… Mirepoix on Ice? 3.) Krang broke...

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1.) The key is to always have a Stan Freberg song at the ready to sing when people request “Freebird”. Claim misunderstanding and go for it. 2.) Step 1: Name your band “Sex Saw”. Step 2: get book...

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