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Page 92 of 139

1.) I wonder how many spy services have mothballed their shortwave numbers stations for Twitter burner accounts. 2.) She was so vegan she wouldn’t even listen to Captain Beefheart. 3.) Chicago-st...

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1.) Before you judge people on the (admittedly horrible) pumpkin spice thing, ask yourself: did I share some really gross bacon meme? 2.) Everyone’s mad at everyone about everything, it’s a verit...

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1.) Put a sign up in your restaurant: “Like our salads? Lettuce know!” 2.) How does the fast food sandwich feel in your hands, what are its burgenomics? 3.) I’ve been trying to embrace the fact t...

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1.) LOVE “the director’s crazy” so bad its good. HATE “ironic-intentional” so bad its good. MISS “rushing it out/not trying” so bad its good. 2.) Half of being creative is paying attention but ou...

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1.) Do you yell “GOING INTO THE MARINARA TRENCH!” every time you dip your mozzarella sticks? Life’s too short not to. 2.) Boston, it is madness to drive on your streets and your sports radio is a...

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1.) When they tell you about “the gig economy” remember that a “gig” is a tool to kill frogs in the darkness. 2.) If you find those statues so beautiful, little Donnie, how about you drop trow an...

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1.) It is so hard making jokes right now, with Nazis plowing down people in the streets and the Kremlin-Agent-In-Chief approving of it. 2.) Things you admit when you’re old: other than vaguely un...

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1.) Print out the word “caution” 50,000 times. Shred the paper into confetti. Go outside. Throw caution to the wind. 2.) The only thing I got Cs in was penmanship. “Cursive, foiled again!” I was ...

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1.) In this nightmare, there was a formerly aristocratic family living in the ruins of a mansion and I tried to help them see through their madness in the rubble… and it turned out the thought-de...

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1.) What a mess I’d be if I wasn’t afraid, what a mess I am because I am. 2.) Maybe telling someone to go screw himself will lead him to coming into his own. 3.) A movie about Tweety’s endless to...

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1.) Most people start seeing grey hairs after a surgery or giving birth or getting hit by lightning. The 2016 election is whitening my chin. 2.) Trying to look for upsides: atomic war during a So...

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1.) One good thing about social networking we all can agree on: it has negated the entire concept of a class reunion. 2.) In reality, by putting “Fair Play” on his costume, Mr. Terrific would jus...

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1.) The best name for a Shakespeare-inspired porno is, of course, “As You Lick It”. 2.) I was so disappointed when I found out “robotripping” was just “drinking a lot of cough medicine”. I hoped ...

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1.) Sarahah’s a great simulation of being famous in that everything you read will either be meaningless empty praise or non-constructive venom. 2.) My bucket list is just things I’d wanna eat a b...

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1.) I stand by The Kaufman Reaction Paradigm: applause and hate are equally good signs at open mics, only tepid politeness is a sin. 2.) At your small business motivational workshop, take the sta...

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1.) Everytime you use the shortening JFC online, I read it as “Jesus Fried Chicken”. 2.) Realizing that your privileged identity isn’t the centre of the universe isn’t “performative wokeness”, it...

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1.) “Iron Age,” the older Hittites clucked their tongues, “what, bronze isn’t good enough for these brats? Goddamn Millenials.” 2.) Why y’all gotta be beautiful/why y’all gotta be too taken or to...

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1.) “Leif Eriksson,” the old Vikings said, “trying to colonize Vinland like an idiot. Goddamn Millennials.” 2.) If it happened, you may force us to forget, may salt the fields & boil the seas...

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1.) Once in a great while, I’ll catch the real me in a mirror for a moment, then he’s gone. 2.) If your Scooby Doo porn parody isn’t called “Screw Me Do” just give up as a pornographer and become...

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1.) The Eh Team 2.) CKRP in Manitoba 3.) Magnum P.E.I. 4.) In Living Colour 5.) The 125935 Dollar Pyramid 6.) Don’t Trust The Very Pleasant Woman In Apartment 23 7.) Toqued By An Angel 8.) The...

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1.) Whenever I see The Intercept bitch about Trump, I want to grab them and shake them “You helped make this, you smug bastards!” 2.) I’m thick, therefore I am. 3.) This set of nightmares involve...

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1.) Whenever I hear the phrase “Texas-Style Barbeque” I admit to imagining the meat being electrocuted in tiny individual chairs. 2.) A horrifying combination of cheese and green tea called “matc...

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1.) Maybe the Gloversville petting zoo would be doing better if the main point of their billboards wasn’t “CASH ONLY, NO CREDIT OR DEBIT”. 2.) AGNOSTICS AREN’T SURE IF THEY DID IT AT ALL. 3.) In ...

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1.) Whenever I see a house with both an American flag and a Confederate flag out, I just wanna yell “PICK A SIDE” at them. 2.) Control internet message boards and chat rooms from time to time but...

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1.) Name your band “Leonard Skinner” and have a song named “Reverb” to mess with That Guy at every goddamned song. 2.) I’M THE BEST… AROUND… SOMEHOW THINGS MANAGE TO KEEP ME DOWN 3.) Rest well, K...

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