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Page 88 of 139

1.) The fact that we’re getting a return of the trickledown scam from the guy who has hidden urine-fetish sex tapes has not escaped me, don’t you worry. 2.) When Ron Jeremy gets around to having ...

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1.) The best name for an emo band ever would be ATTEMPTED MARTYR and I hope emo has realized this. 2.) “Vanilla Frozen Dairy Dessert Sandwiches With Chocolatey Coating”. Frozen Ding-Dongs, that i...

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1.) Post-apocalyptic YA Garfield’s catchphrase is “I Hate Mundanes”. 2.) Your Canadian Modest Mouse cover band will be called Modest Moose. 3.) The less stuff you have and the less stuff you owe,...

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1.) When your brother has mining claims in the desert and people call Black Lives Matter “BLM”, you think they mean “Bureau of Land Management” and you get really really confused. 2.) One’s a cop...

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1.) Refer to something as “Christmas AF” and say you mean “Christmas, All Festive”. 2.) In PLANES, did one plane accuse another of having “altimeter motives”? If not, why did you even make the mo...

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1.) LAST JEDI’s coming out now, anyway, not in the ‘90s, so at least we’re spared a Porgy POG. 2.) You get to have all the Christmas you want, pard, it is everywhere all the time for well over a ...

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1.) Fundamentalist Christians, fundamentalist Muslims, fundamentalist Jews, fundamentalist Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, whatever, those aren’t their actual faiths. They all worship at the twin altar...

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1.) When the death of net-neutrality throttles the internet and we all have to retreat to low-bandwidth BBS-style threaded message boards, oh man, then us oldsters are gonna shine again. LET’S PR...

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1.) Name your line of panties “DMs” so that we can make the “sliding into your DMs” jokes on Twitter literal. 2.) Someday if we still get a future, they will look upon the NFL the same way we loo...

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1.) If the only reason you appreciate something is nostalgia, you have no reason to appreciate it. It is probably actually bad. Move forward. 2.) One’s a cop who wears a turban. One’s a cop who c...

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1.) Thinking back upon my He-Man toys, it’s fascinating how even the guy with a skull for a face was built like if Jose Canseco ate Mark McGuire and then on top of that, all of The Ultimate Warri...

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1.) In this nightmare, I got hired for a job but no one would tell me what the job was, what to do, when or where to do it so I got fired. I think it was a metaphor for being alive. 2.) An elite ...

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1.) Dear Marvel, we demand a scene where Downey & Cumberbatch’s characters solve a problem together & Hiddleston quips “Aren’t you a couple of Sherlock Holmes?” Bonus points if Pratt says...

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1.) Your song about sex-starved dryads will be called “Knotty Girls Need Love Too”. 2.) Over a year later, I still can’t fathom how little one would have to care about their Hispanic, Muslim, fem...

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1.) The measure of the good you do is not what philosophy or motivation stands behind your action but rather simply that you did it. 2.) It becomes clearer that McDonalds’ slogan “Food Folks And ...

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1.) If you marry a conjoined twin, are you still their better half? Maybe just their better third? 2.) Whenever I see that old Batman where Alfred puts on the Bat-suit to help Bruce Wayne maintai...

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1.) If I was the pilot who sky-wrote his meat and potatoes up in the blue, I simply would’ve kept saying it was just a failed attempt at a cowboy hat. In 2017, the press is so credulous gullible,...

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1.) Your pop-punk band that only writes songs about Star Wars will be called “Binks-182”. 2.) Your fan-fiction where instead of Locutus, the Borg turn Picard into their Borg Queen will be called ...

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1.) If you were wondering what the worst dialogue writing in modern film history looked like, you’re in luck, TITANIC is returning to theatres for a week. 2.) The Confederacy making its last stan...

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1.) The day after Thanksgiving, don’t shop, just eat leftovers and read old MAD magazines and call it “Blech Friday”. 2.) Treadmill tonight: 1.2 miles in a half hour. Evening blood sugar: 88. (Th...

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1.) The Starbucks ad said “turkey stuffing panini” but there was not a single bird fixing sandwiches in the back. Just dumb ol’ people. Nothing exceptional about a person stuffing a panini. Had a...

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1.) If ever own a groundhog, I am sure as hell calling it “William S Burrows”. 2.) The sitcom about the Bushes shouldn’t have been called “That’s My Bush”, they went for the cheap sex joke when “...

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1.) If St. Louis’ hockey team is The Blues and New Orleans used to have The Jazz, when I buy the Brooklyn Nets, I’m renaming them The Twee Indie-Rock. 2.) The only reason that the military hasn’t...

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1.) Los Angeles taught me that if you must have heroes, at least have all your heroes be already dead so they can never do anything awful that’s new. Be your own hero if you can but if you can’t ...

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1.) In retrospect, maybe I should count my blessings that failed in Los Angeles when I was younger, all the moral quandaries I’d be indirectly connected to now had I “made it”. 2.) I will cop to ...

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