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1.) Your restaging of “Game of Thrones” in the pastel American 1980s will be called “A Song of Miami Vice and Fire”. 2.) Today I learned: frothing milk for lattes and cappuccinos is surprisingly ...

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1.) This morning, driving to a medical appt in Herkimer I reflexively turned left on 5S toward Ft. Plain instead and had to turn around in some farmer’s driveway, shows you I’m getting into the g...

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Sure sure, keep having your proms, just know you’re making the Big Limo Lobby stronger with every awkward move to third base in the back. Nothin’ like a 40 deep line at baggage claim to say “Amer...

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1.) The NBA playoffs take so damn long, I like to imagine beat writers sending letters to their families back home, in Ken Burns sepia tones with a lone violin score: “Dearest Martha, it has been...

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1.) Believe a storyteller too literally and you might be myth taken. 2.) Long term stock investments are all about the company you keep. 3.) If I were a Highlander, I would hang out with vampire...

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1.) If you “create” “wealth” without making anything useful, if you “create” “wealth” by tearing down something vital, it’s not that you’re smart, it’s barely even that you’re lucky. You’re just ...

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1.) You ever have a nightmare where you are being the version of you that would’ve made one of your exes the happiest and halfway through the dream, you realize that being that version of you is ...

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1.) Yes, you could write a parody of Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” about the Catholic hierarchy of angels called “Tiers in Heaven” but, yeah, I am the only person who would find it funny. 2.) ...

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1.) I kind of want to write a story about two artificial intelligences that fall in love, each thinking the other is human, and when they discover this, they both reject each other disgustedly be...

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1.) Your vegan metal band will be called DESPAIRAGUS. 2.) Yesterday was the Star Wars holiday, today is the hard liquor holiday… may the fifth be in you! 3.) Asked what the five hour long practi...

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1.) The government can’t impinge upon your right to free speech. That’s it. That’s the first amendment. When you start riffing on how a private business like a social media website or a club or a...

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1.) last few years my heart has been/in a state of permanent flinch/half has been what happened/half has been how I reacted to it/seized up in perpetual defenses/screwed on into a wince/but I hav...

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1.) Apparently the new big thing for kids is dressing as horrifying owl-demons. Cool, cool. We’re basically going to need to be horrifying owl-demons to weather the future laid out before us, it’...

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1.) The knuckle-ball is a holy thing, a pitch where the point is that even the pitcher doesn’t quite know where it’s going so how the hell are you as a hitter going to know either? If there’s a G...

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1.) I enjoy that the British have a silly fancy word for “eggplant” because eggplant is gross as hell and it’s always been a shame the noble egg is tarred by association with it. Hooray for the p...

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1.) No, youtube, I do not like comment and subscribe. In fact, I rather detest comment and subscribe. 2.) “Being there” is merely an adequate neighbor’s actions, State Farm. If you want to be lik...

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1.) I hope that as new sexually-transmitted diseases start getting recorded, they name them after hook-up apps. “Yeah, I got a bad case of the Tinder.” 2.) “I ain’t saying she’s a gravedigger, I’...

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1.) The memoir of your time working as a maid at Paisley Park will be called “Dusting For Prince”. 2.) It’s like “The Shaggy Dog” except he turns into a sheep instead and it’s called “Your Bleati...

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1.) Never thought I’d walk out of a movie thinking “I really really identified with Thor” but then here we are. 2.) Villains sacrifice others when expedient, heroes sacrifice themselves when nece...

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1.) A first-person-shooter video game about Cain trying to kill Abel with a bow and arrow called FIRST PERSON-SHOOTER. 2.) If you’re looking to tear down an exploitive power structure just to rep...

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1.) An all-diabetic punk band called The Bleeding Pricks. 2.) Of course superheroes don’t stay dead. Why would they? They come back because we can’t. We need something that can come back, even if...

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1.) The top food critic in Houston should get the title “The Houston Gastronome”. 2.) Decency is not a static trait, even to call it a virtue is to oddly diminish it. Decency is a muscle, a muscl...

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1.) Sunday driving at sunset Easter night, red skies at my back, a rainbow in front of me, the haziest vaguest rainbow you ever saw but a rainbow nonetheless and that’s also how I felt. 2.) They ...

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1.) The train at the end of the tunnel sees you as a darkness in the terrifying agoraphobic great wide open. 2.) The biggest lie in telling a story is pretending that you the teller are not there...

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1.) Humanity’s greatest skill, what arguably “separates” us from other animals, is our ability to apt to what there is to adapt to, to change our tools, our thinking, ourselves to new situations....

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