Entries 3,460
Page 58 of 139
jan 20
It feels like the warm spell on a March Ash Wednesday right before an Easter blizzard. The finest way to support the military is to never use them. You gotta not look back as the past reced...
jan 19
Your “Addicted To Love” parody will involve the line “Midas well face it, you make gold out of stuff”. Now that Tarantino isn’t doing a Star Trek, maybe he can do a Sherlock Holmes called “Th...
jan 18
Is anyone else bothered that onamonapia isn’t an onamonapia? If you’re on tumblr claiming to spiritually identify as a trickster imp, are you Rumplestiltskinkin? You can waste your time and...
jan 17
The boa killed the first two fluteplayers and yet nevertheless, she was undeterred. She just smiled. “Third time’s the charmer.” I recently saw a self help book called The Courage To Be Rich ...
jan 16
Once every four years, end of February, we should all just stop what we’re doing and binge watch Quantum Leap for a day. If you’re born rich, you shouldn’t get credit for making yourself more...
jan 15
Collecting Garfield crap would be a good hobby because you could never stop. There was so much variety of Garfield crap churned out in the 80s that no one will never know how it all. Devoting y...
jan 14
If only “Starf” was a word in English, I could make some really great Nintendo “Starf Ox” jokes. Maaaaaybe an Icelandic retro-gamer would enjoy a joke about the hard-working (starf means work i...
jan 13
“Religion is the opiate of the masses” meant… it is a powerful short-term balm to pain, which it is. But you get dependent on it if you don’t repair the underlying damage, it consumes you while...
jan 12
The macro opposition to free college has nothing to do with its cost and everything to do with how it would delay entry to the workforce, thinning out unemployment and taking away big business’...
jan 11
Truck dealerships are full of pick-up lines. Reduced Fat means More Sugar. No Sugar means Carcinogenic Sugar Substitutes. There are no quick fix solutions, only precariously balanced trade of...
j10
If I ever met John Leguizamo, I am almost certain I would slip up and call him Log Jenuizamo. We must be kind to each other, much as we can, in the moments we’re in, and we can undo all this ...
jan 9
The holiday season is so extended these days, it feels like they’re putting up Happy Hondadays decorations the day after Hondaween. Observation alters outcome. Subatomic particles in experime...
jan 8
Craaaaaanberry bidet… the kind they prescribe if your UTI’s sore… James Cameron trying to make Avatar still a thing like a white girl on Twitter trying to make slang she heard Ru Paul say onc...
jan 7
Bail reform ain’t about “criminals going free”. It’s about those accused of crimes not being punished extra for being poor. You all have some deep economic Stockholm Syndrome if you cant see th...
jan 6
IKEA killed early 90s metal by using up all the umlauts. Paul Rudd ate Dick Clark’s heart and gained his power. A pastry in the form of Adam Driver called “Phyllo Ren”. Arranged marriage ...
jan 5
I like to believe that King Vitaman cereal is no longer made because there was a bloody anti-royalist revolution and he was probably replaced by, oh, Comrade Crunch. When Bizarro Superman tri...
jan 4
A country cover of “Hey Ya” called “Yee Haw” would be 100,000 more legitimate fusion of country and hip-hop than “Old Town Road”. “You are the walking embodiment of the avian flu virus!” she ...
jan 3
We aspirated on our aspirations, we consumed until we started coughing up from consumption, wallowed so far in the depths of our dreams the coma was inevitable. We were Americans until we Ameri...
jan 2
Is a gluten free girlfriend a GF GF? If you consider that mayo is half eggs, when you’re making chicken salad, the mother and child reunion is truly only an emulsion away. We’ve managed to ...
jan 1
The year 20-20, you will have two critical rolls to play. Your movie about a crazy road race through zombie country will be called CANNIBAL RUN. It’s like vampires say, red sky at night, im...
dec 31 bonus barrage blow-out (360 weird ideas!)
Sunday night into Monday morning, we will have anything from a dusting to a foot and a half of snow, depending how desperate for clicks the given news site is. Papa John looks like a melting...
dec 30
Toucan Sam converting to Gnosticism and singing “follow your gnosis, it always knows , sis”. Whenever I see the internet neologism “uWu” I imagine Ernest P. Worrell saying it. Why say “I’m...
dec 29
I weirdly get the same feeling from Doug Martsch’s solo album “Now You Know” as from Izzy Straddlin’s solo album “Izzy Straddlin and the Ju-Ju Hounds”. They’re very different musically but they...
dec 28
I must not nostal. Nostalgia is the mind-killer. Nostalgia is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my nostalgia. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And whe...
dec 27
Maybe the aliens are just really into abnormal psychology. When you realize Fox News is just a work of kayfabe, like pro wrestling, everyone just playing a role, maybe just an exaggeration of...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
