Entries 3,460
Page 57 of 139
feb 14
The exotic animal trafficker was tired of the hustle. It was time to cash in her chimps and get out. If you are a Canadian teen heart-throb and you don’t get the insult “HEY, LEAF GARRETT!” t...
f 13
If you go to a Civil War Re-enactors convention, are the booth babes literal Booth babes? We put the “Fun” in “Perfunctory”. On the French internet they scare each other with stories of ter...
f12
It’s not hard ordering shirts for the Junior Psychics Club. Everyone’s a youth medium. I’m not no nonsense. I want to do the job well but I want the most nonsense one can have while getting i...
f11
Its not that the Republican senators want Trump there, it’s that his Russian handlers have so much dirt on them, they folded. If that’s better or worse, that’s up to you. If everyone trying a...
feb 10
I feel like a boulder teetering on the edge of some high cliff, not quite falling, not quite standing still, all potential energy, waiting for one more little push toward disaster or glory or b...
feb 9
Dieting would be more fun if we called it “Ding-Dong ditching”. A washed-up Andrew Dice Clay is forced to investigate a vast conspiracy theory in THE ADVENTURES OF FNORD FNAIRLANE. You will...
feb 8
All the local dogs hate me, now, because they think I am a precursor to Ollie, the little dog that fights everybody. I’m like the Silver Surfer to Galactus Destroyer of Eardrums. Pain is just...
feb 7
My generation didn’t invent working on multiple jobs on different shifts but we DID have the balls to give it the fancy name “polyphasic sleep” so we do have that. Incredibly specific pet pee...
feb 6
Antivaxxers on dating sites are all like “HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA”. A really interesting Western musical would be DEAD RENT REDEMPTION. If you are to throw bread at someone defensively, i...
feb 5
Another great name for a band is Thrilliam H Macy. A really fun plot twist would be if right before the brink, we were all saved by the epic return of Myspace Tom. A story where a time-trav...
feb 4
I am Felix the Cat’s royal mattress warmer. The secretary to a urologist can get them a “#1 Boss” mug for their birthday regardless of how good a boss they are. The best name for a punk ban...
feb 3
Be thankful for all my event promotion and weird puns. Without it, I’d be mostly current events and melodramatic vaguebooking and we’re full up on those already. ODB, ODBa, Wu goes on, whoa, ...
feb 2
Is reptile poop “iguano”? The Inkideney Stones aren’t as powerful as the Infinity Stones but, like, they still can take one down hardcore. We live in a culture so blissfully unaware of itse...
feb 1
Spice up The Big Game with a party mix of cough drops and Cheerios. We call it Halls and Oat. Clearly you’re just getting the Corona virus because you’re not using the antibiotic limes. You...
jan 31
Twerkers of the world unite, your hips are so loose, it’s insane. Allow the unintentional to look unintentional. Allow the intentional to look intentional. Abandon pretense in both directions...
jan 30
Before she retires, Ann Rice had better write a romance titled DOWN FOR THE COUNT. What is a corrupt leader, after all, but a burglar king? Call your fixed blade ODB if it is truly full Tan...
jan 29
Honestly, many of these Republicans would reject Trump were they free to but the team around Trump were smart enough to bring so many of them into his corruption that they’d be bringing themsel...
jan 28
Local institutions tend to be filled with people who belong in regional institutions. Detective Jonn Jonzz being thrown off by a criminal: “MARTIAN! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?” If you think...
j27
. The British do not appreciate having “STRAIGHT OUTTA CRUMPETS” scream rapped at them, even though it’s funny as hell. Definitions, categories, names, they’re part of you but they are not you...
jan 26
I would deeply respect someone who’d create an entire original functional LUIGI’S UTAH MANSION game just to get to the point where Mario would be overwhelmed by spectral fog and exclaim “Oh no!...
jan 25
A hellish postapocalyptic future where we are ruled over by despotic mediocre pop stars. Where everybody’s working for the Weeknd, for example. Morning radio is now the same two old white guy...
jan 24
When you avoid disaster, do not at least at first accuse or fret or wail. At first, at least, celebrate. At least, at first, revel. You dodged this one. That is for the moment the only thing th...
jan 23
The new slang for pot will be “Portland oregano”. I hate this idea that evolving on a position is a sign of weakness or deceit, as if you’re supposed to rise from the sea, Venus on the half s...
jan 22
Though raised on rock and roll, I can listen to a lot of modern pop and think “this isn’t for me but I can see why someone else would like it”. Modern country, I cant. It’s the same 3 or 4 song...
j21
“There is nothing to fear” means a different thing with every differing syllable emphasis. If CDs were still a mainstream thing and the band Urge Overkill was still a thing, I’d get a bunch o...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
