Entries 3,460
Page 50 of 139
aug 7
Ideas had sitting with the dog in the Price Chopper parking lot: if you were performing “Teenage Wasteland” live with a fiddler, why not segue straight into “Istabul Not Constantinople” after? ...
aug 6
Unable to tell whether the bite marks were from a werewolf or vampire, the coroner simply wrote “Died of Supernatural Causes”. Getting his head smashed by Satan like a watermelon, every hour ...
aug 5
We cannot say that Rachel Ray has EATEN human flesh, that would be absurd, but she is rich and powerful enough where it is almost certain that it has been offered to her in all seriousness at l...
aug 4
If you remember the GARFIELD comic strip being good, you are confusing it with the television shows, which were often good. The strip was at best bizarre. It is a flaw of our minds that we conf...
aug 3
The optimal Muppet-based Van Halen parody would be Panama/Animal, yeah? A documentary on the state of pornographic film industry during the COVID-19 pandemic called THE NUDE NORMAL. Were Al...
aug 2
Singing “Head Like A Hole” with “Doug Funnie” instead of “God Money” won’t do you any material good but it’ll put a smile on your face. A ham sandwich double-fried in a tempura-panko kinda cr...
aug 1
This Christmas, after the third wave of the plague, when moving the Elf on the Shelf don’t forget to use hand santatizer. A head canon where the Russian stereotype boxer and the Italian stere...
july 31
We just crossed the point, long past where they thought they could ignore a plague with magical thinking where they’ve finally decided it’s real but if they let enough people die, they can call...
july 30
“I find the term Public Defecation so limiting,” she said, “I prefer to say that I… void where prohibited.” A hippie vampire called Count Erkultur. Olive’s cousin who is always trying to ro...
july 29
You are being carried piggyback through the city streets by your leather slave at high speeds. You leap off while he continues barreling downhill. You run alongside him, now, while your crew ch...
july 28
“Vagina dentata is such an ugly term,” she said, “I prefer to say… Georgia O’Teeth.” Look J. Jonah Jameson square in the eye and whisper, in your best eastern European accent “In Soviet Russi...
july 27
They say “Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death”, they mean “Give Me Liberty Even If It Means Your Death”. An Eminem parody built around the line “Whoops, there goes Hannity” would be fun. If yo...
july 26
If you work out to death, you are visited by the gym reaper. I have little risk of such an encounter. Here we are on the precipice of a disaster we cannot imagine and that is why we fail, a l...
july 25
A rapping rabbi called Biggie Schmaltz. Possibly assisted by Sean “Purim” Combiwitz. It is impossible to see a picture of Pete Davidson in 2020 without thinking “The quarantine has been reall...
july 24
Sean Bean, Billy Beane and Rowan Atchinson’s shared podcast THREE BEAN(E) CASSAROLE. It’s like Jaws except about a sasquatch, it’s called FEET and the catchphrase is “We’re Gonna Need A Bigge...
july 23
Power fantasies about violent revolution are just as cruel, impotent, counter-productive & inhumane on the left with guillotines as they are with assault rifles on the right. Society is too...
july 22
Payouts at a horserace are set by first determining the likelihoods of wins and losses via a Gallop Poll. A Hall and Oates parody about Flo on ALICE. “My grits, my grits, that you should kiss...
july 21
If you misheard the lyrics as “Splinter taught them to speak Japanese” you’d only be literally wrong but right within the spirit of the cartoon’s canon. I can only hear the Popeyes jingle as ...
july 20
As a teenager, Richard Nixon was a carnival barker for the Slipper Gulch Rodeo, which served as a cover for an illegal gambling operation. (A) Yes, of course. (B) How did you all not call him “...
july 19
You know what would be a hoot? Opening a bar in the expensive suburbs of D.C. called “Undisclosed Location”. Run into the deli yelling “MATZO MATZO MAN, I WANT TO SEE THE MATZO MAN!” Probably...
july 18
If you manage to get President Zachary Taylor to roll over in his grave, you’ll really flip your whig. An unpretentious pornography shop for the common man called “Everyday Peepholes”. A ph...
july 17
In honour of Little Richard, the song for the dog is “GOOD GOLLY, IT’S OLLIE, HE’S FAT LIKE A HOG, OOOOOO”. He can’t enjoy the Pokemon games, due to his crippling Blastoise intolerance. Ima...
july 16
Whoever wrote the line “But Patty likes to rock and roll, a hot dog makes her lose control” knew EXACTLY what they were doing there and you will never convince me otherwise. Build a really ge...
july 15
An Ernest P Worrell themed episode of DRAG RACE called “Camp Goes To Ernest” Somehow, the least believable part of the horror that is 90 Day Fiancee are the couple who go to bed with, and wak...
july 14
The Australian superhero who fights crime with super projectile vomiting is called Chunderwoman, by the way. An Amish metal band called RAMMSPRINGA. Uncommissioned erotic fan fiction includ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
