Entries 3,459
Page 35 of 139
aug 15
CARRY ON MY SQUIDWARD SON, THERE’LL BE FISH WHEN YOU ARE DONE A gallery show of paintings inspired by the work of Frank Zappa entitled EASELS RIPPED MY FLESH. America, believing itself to d...
aug 14
Yes, you can bring your own lover to the brothel if you just need the bed, but there will be a porkage fee. There wouldn’t be much money to be made in a wings-focused restaurant themed around...
aug 13
Sometimes I think about ANIMANIACS and how Wakko, Yakko and Dot refused to bring their brother Malcolm-Jamal along for the ride. If we could just get the word “craveable” cancelled as offensi...
aug 12
Here’s something wild: Bruce Willis used to have hair. Really! I know, it’s like impossible to imagine but there it is. When I try to remember DIE HARD or MOONSTRUCK, my brain re-wrote him to b...
aug 11
I hope they call Shrek fan-conventions “Swamp Meets”. How did Cheetos settle on “Dangerously Cheesy”? Who stepped in to pull them back from “Hazardously Cheesy” or “Poisonously Cheesy”? The l...
aug 10
Watching the stands at Citi during the New York Mets game tonight, I remember why I am so comfortable in baseball stands and at comic-cons: both locations make me feel thinner and more in-shape...
aug 9
A painting of a Craftsman cordless drill with the caption: “This Is Not A Drill”. The painting will be called “The Treachery of Advertising”. An Alanis Morissette starring horror movie YOU OU...
aug 8
Why say “corrupt petrol-state” when you can say “fuel economy”? Why say “Pizza Meal-Ready-to-Eat” when you can say “Prepperoni Pizza”? Nostalgia fandom is fighting the same war raging thru ...
aug 7
If they make a hip-hop musical about Martin Van Buren as a sequel to HAMILTON, we already have the main theme. MARTIIIIIIN, MARTIIIIIIN, HOW Y’ALL BEEN. It’ll be great. We are locked in. Had ...
aug 6
Ollie is relaxing on a cool spot of the hardwood and I sing to him “LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR, LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR, LET THE DOGGIE SIT THE FLOOR”. No, IDEAS have meaning. Words ar...
aug 5
When you need to write two frat boys as secondary villains in a comedy, I implore you to name them “Marshall Bennington the Third” and “Chester Matthers the Fourth”. This is important. It reall...
aug 4
It calls forth an angry spirit that forces you to not skip leg day. It is The Master of Thighs by Suzanne Summoner. Sequel to HOME ALONE where The Snowshovel Slasher, a serial killer of negle...
aug 3
Too many people believe that freedom means “freedom from empathy” when everyone being freed from empathy means, pretty quickly, nearly everyone has no freedom at all. We could just as easily ...
aug 2
There weren’t enough GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR DOUCHE jokes when the billionaires pretended to be astronauts because no human needs or deserves that much money in 50 lifetimes. Let’s do better ne...
aug 1
No, Mr. Drowning Pool, there’s indeed something wrong with you. You are in Drowning Pool, that is indeed wrong. I just wonder: are you in Drowning Pool because there’s something wrong with you ...
july 31
If you think about it, a completely valid alternate title for Donnie Darko would be “Echo And The Bunnymen”. A parody of that Shawn Mullins song “Lullabye” about the Showbiz Pizza Bear. “Ever...
july 30
A strident screed about Italian cuisine is a manipesto. So did the Muadib show up in Space Jam and make it SPICE JAM or… If you morph your hands into bird talons and rip his genitals off be...
july 29
Jimmy Buffet’s arraignment of “O Fortuna” called “Carmina Bahamas”. Closed-casket for the peering-impaired. Make a bike out of copy paper and call it a “stationery bicycle”. The only thin...
july 28
“Once You Pop, You Don’t Stop” and “You Can’t Eat Just One” are both just a hair away from the slogan “YOU WILL BECOME PHYSICALLY ADDICTED TO THESE CHIPS”. GIMME THE BEANS, BOYS, TO FILL THIS...
july 27
A Japanese video game about childrens’ dances called HOKEY POKEY PANIC. Does Optimus Prime poop from his semi colon? Sometimes, you just want to wear a shirt with the word SANDWICH on it, i...
july 26
Cross-stitch is some hard Emmanuel labor. As we are around 80% water, occasionally we must drink something that’s 80% alcohol, to balance it out, you know, from time to time. A woodworking ...
july 25
“Ten billion,” he whispered. “Thanks,” she replied, “that means a lot to me.” The Terminator statue at the El Rancho Drive-In looks almost exactly like Lou Reed. It’s amazing. Loki, riding ...
july 24
In Soviet Russia, dragons imagine YOU! I can’t believe that the fragility of American masculinity hasn’t tried to re-brand male pedicures as “getting your bronails done”. The heart of a neu...
july 23
Slugging percentage is pretty, it’s flashy, have a fun weekend with it but it’ll eventually ghost you, let you down. On-base percentage, man, if it consistently singles and walks, you put a rin...
july 22
A Lou Reed themed breakfast cereal called Metal Machine Mueslix. If the machine we’re supposed to rage against is Machine Gun Kelly, all the better. The first rule of Oak Club is orc hits y...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
