Entries 3,459
Page 34 of 139
sept 9
You pour a mimosa over your Crunch Berries. Congratulations, you have created Cap’n Brunch, the saddest invention of all. Kiefer Sutherland has a fully-absorbed vestigial conjoined twin named...
sept 8
Upon reflection, Burger King’s “Have It Your Way” slogan was incredibly passive-aggressive. It would be like McDonalds having a “You Think You Know Better Than Us, Huh?” slogan or Taco Bell run...
sept 7
Live Inside, Laugh at the Outside, Love Air-Conditioning. Malort is Chicago’s revenge on America for not getting to live in NYC or LA. Well-played, Illinois, well-played. Quarantining Rahm ...
sept 6
Has anyone ever asked Nickelodeon why they made Jimmy Neutron’s hair style look like the pinched-tip of the world’s creamiest shit? Anyone ever explain why they were going for that? Because… I ...
sept 5
When you’re in your 20s, you pop and lock to impress breakdance ladies on the floor. When you’re in your 40s, your joints pop and lock of their own accord. When no one notices your social med...
sept 4
Cheaply made cartoons have big DiC energy. Grey Poupon again? Dijon vu. What if Neil Young’s Heart of Gold is actually a musical treasure map to a literal heart of gold he buried somewhere ...
sept 3
I apologize for being part of a society so shallowly profit-driven they convinced you to have a “skin care routine”. So they can make money, they convinced you you’re ugly if you don’t spend hu...
sept 2
Why call them “factoids” when you could call them “reality bites”? A mystery about a death at bartender school called “Screaming Bloody Muddler”. A sausage so large you could knock someone ...
sept 1
Refer to the game of billiards as “math balls”. See how long you can get people to buy that you legitimately think this is the name of the game. “Wanna go shoot some math balls?” you might say....
aug 31
Hallucinate your past in deep isolation pods in a process we like to call “tanks for the memories”. A documentary called DAMP IF YOU DO: THE CONSPIRACY THAT KILLED MOIST-ROASTED PEANUTS. Yo...
aug 30
I get that FARGO is a terse and iconic title but they really could’ve gone with A PRAIRIE HOME ACCOMPLICE. One path to the most obnoxious movie ever would be mashing-up two already obnoxious ...
aug 29
The title “Peaky Blinders” was wasted on the British mafia show when it could’ve been the new word for nipple pasties. When young, we are each a pliable gelatin of affections suspended in a b...
aug 28
When Oroku Saki was empowered by mutation at the end of TMNT 2: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE, that was a real super-Shredder event. The irony of art, all human influence, is how the things that com...
aug 27
A show. About a hotel. Run by witches. Called BROOM SERVICE. Had never listened to the full song “Pumped Up Kicks”, had never realized how little there is to it. It tries to stretch a half-wa...
aug 26
He came from a long line of toilet paper craftsmen, traveling the world to ply their trade. It was only the arrogant egotism of Cliff that caused him to name the books after himself instead o...
aug 25
The optimal name for a haunted house is “The Best Little Gorehouse In Texas”, provided, you know, it’s in Austin or whatever. Your body, a scratch and sniff sticker, your consciousness, your ...
aug 24
A reverse chocolate chip cookie. A chocolate bar festooned with little cookie bits. Let’s do this, America. Okay, now we just gotta get RIVERS Cuomo to quit. Step 1: develop a THC-infused s...
aug 23
Television destroyed the market for recurrent short subjects in theaters, it was a real serial killer. The original slogan was “I’m thinkin’ about settling for Arbys” but “I’m thinkin’ Arbys”...
aug 22
Some would argue that their favourite TGIF sitcom / anime mash-up is URKEL 1/2 but there’s a lot to be said for FULLHOUSE ALCHEMIST. You know what I’d never thought about before? The old sitc...
aug 21
Your EDM DJ vampire persona will be called “Count Bassy”. Radio killed the gramophone star, gramophone killed the piano roll star, piano roll killed the dancing hall star. The reality you wer...
aug 20
Microwaving Ellios alone at 3AM creates the legendary “impersonal pan pizza”. Did you see that show-off archer? His knees were quivering! LESS ICE CREAM SOCIALS, MORE PARFAIT PAR-TAYS! Wh...
aug 19
Sure, 45 minutes a day for a year can get you shredded abs but for a mere five minutes total with floss you can have shredded gums. That’s… close, right? Your Iowa college marching band style...
aug 18
They didn’t call the second Jumanji “Twomanji” because they’re cowards. Carpe Dulcis - See’s, The Candy Publish a magazine called POST-MODERN BRIDE. A “#1 Grandmother” mug is literally a ...
aug 17
If Captain Kangaroo were on today, Twitter would be organizing conventions for strange adult men who claimed they were into it because it’s “good television for all ages” but were all really in...
aug 16
Part of how we took down the Confederacy was as simple as flooding the market with counterfeits of their fake currency. You wanna bring down the neo-Confederacy? Start counterfeiting crypto-cur...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
