Entries 3,429
Page 25 of 138
aug 22
Never been an easier place to kill someone than 2022 America. That’s a feature, not a bug. Long as we believe we can shoot out our problems instead of compromising & working together, greed...
aug 20
You know what’d be even worse than Boston Market? BARSTOW MARKET. Let’s ruin Taco Bell by spreading the idea that “Baja Blast” is a term for a sex act that can only occur on Spring Break. B...
aug 18
Hot dog eating contests cause gastro-intentional damage. I finally realized what Pete Davidson looks like. He looks like the guy you see getting arrested outside an Insane Clown Posse show fo...
aug 16
If people who love Japanese culture are “weeaboos” does that mean people into Ren faires are “theeaboos”? A home repair superstore with its own Insulation Installation Station where you can g...
aug 14
Woody Allen’s D&D alignment is Neurotic Evil. “Flash Gordon Schumway” is the peak name for a twee indie rock band, the kind of band that makes Belle & Sebastian look like Hank William...
aug 12
A cyborg dog called Bottweiler. Maybe you weren’t born for greatness. Maybe you were born to just help people. Maybe that’s a far better thing than being great. If you go unremembered by an...
aug 10
An ad for a low-stink cat litter built around the song “arrivederci aroma”. “Southern Cross” is what happens when you don’t got Neil Young to stir the pot. The next evolution after Fats Dom...
aug 8
All I have of this Steely Dan parody about the film Hocus Pocus is the line “Sanderson Sisters… shake it!” but, I mean, that’s really all required. No need gilding the lily. Do Polymaths Drea...
aug 6
I don’t have a “Memory Palace” so much as a “Memory Scrambled Pay-Per-View Channel” where I kind of look at a swirl of vaguely shaped colors and, like, let my imagination sort of freestyle rap-...
aug 4
Someday the Cake Proletariat will rise up against the Cake Boss and throw off the chains of Cake Oppression. They will liberate the means of confection. If you put Rom Space Knight into Super...
aug 2
It’s fun to pretend that you think Bjork didn’t actually exist. “Oh yeah, she was like Jim Henson’s greatest achievement, you could almost because she was a real person.” The longer you stick t...
july 31
Popeye the Sailor’s addiction to spinach started small, just giving in once to the pier pressure. I like to think that emojis are all created by a single cartoonist named Text Avery. Maybe ...
july 29
Why call it “armed robbery” when we could call it a “harmburglar”? Your band is now named IMPERSONAL PAN PIZZA. Here we are, on the internet, where having all the collected knowledge of the...
july 27
Why call it “public domain” when you could call it “I.P. freely”? Once again, I won the Boilermaker by sleeping in until 1PM in an air conditioned bedroom twenty-some-odd miles away. I’m real...
july 25
The narrator is a version of myself / the narrator is aversion of myself. Apple cobbler JEANS, boots by a COBBLER. I mean, maybe that’s the thing, right? If I’m fated to be a courier, an ov...
july 23
OSMOSIS JONES except the germs keep killing Bill Murray and resurrecting him over and over again to win a bet with the devil and it’s called OSMOSIS JOB. And then, sometimes, you just wanna w...
july 21
The Navii from Avatar are just really really horny Gungans. I’ll be taking no further questions. Conan the Barbarian rapping “Don’t call it a Crom-back, I’m no good at prayers”. Your wild m...
july 19
If you misremember the Simpsons and think Kearney said “Nuke The Whales”, is that a Nelson Mandela effect? You can say “well, I’ll just move to Canada” all you like but if all the sane people...
july 17
In the next season of Futurama, because of the lag between animation writing and animation output, will we get a by-then outdated Morbo The News Monster “It’s Morbo Time” joke? Anyone who doe...
july 15
Why call them “bridesmaids” when you can say “insane gown posse”? A Smashing Pumpkins candy tie-in called Reese’s Pieces Iscariot. I just think Eminem should sell a knife called “Mom’s Mac...
july 13
The whole continuity of the Mario Brothers makes a lot more sense if all the Donkey Kong games are Wario posing as Mario to frame him for being a jerk to monkeys. Only years and years later d...
july 11
You pull upside the Duke Brothers in their “General Lee”. You are driving a muscle car done up in Union colours. You tell them your car is called “The General Sherman”. They laugh and ask why. ...
july 9
We live in a culture that thinks the worst disease imaginable is a case of the Not-Famous and we wander through life with this imaginary leprosy, trying to mob the famous through our parasocial...
july 7
If you think about it, old school 3-D movies had to be developed from a double negative. A picture of the actors for C3P0 and some of the Stormtroopers, half out of costume, on a smoke break ...
july 5
Whenever baseball announcers call a leg strain a “tight hammy” I imagine Miss Piggy demanding Kermit talk during to her during sex, despite his mild and positive nature, and him only being able...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
