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1.) Carfax thinks a good strategy is an ad mascot to which the only sane reaction is “KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!” Noted. 2.) “That which rocks the hardest tends to rock the loudest” is the princ...

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1.) Before taking into consideration the judgments of others, double-check if they are completely crazy first. 2.) I sum up my life trajectory thus: the process of shouting “THEATRE!” in a crowde...

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1.) Wendy didn’t like putting labels on love, she preferred simply “pansexual”. 2.) Apparently if you want to pretend your boner pill ad is classy, you get a lady with a British accent. Noted. 3....

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1.) Sometimes you go inside your own head and just wanna know that there’s people who think you’re their “what if” too. 2.) You look at the plurality of internet culture & wonder how ANYONE c...

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1.) Art is repetition. Art is repetition. Art is repetition. Art is repetition. Art is repetition slowly mutating into the glorious new. 2.) Can we just do away with the idea of college football ...

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1.) Caffeinated beef jerky is the gateway drug to PCPeanuts. 2.) Real talk: the problem with losing weight is the return of one’s libido but having nothing to do with it. 3.) A youtube-themed sup...

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1.) So just shake your pelvis/like your mama named you Elvis. 2.) Swinging on a rope through Gotham City behind Batman is a real Dick move. 3.) I like to believe that “The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You...

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1.) The hardest regrets are the take-backs you could still take-back except it’d blow the whole game if you failed. Those linger. 2.) Art schools don’t hold proms. They hold smock hops. 3.) The p...

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1.) To reiterate, you have no proof that I am Batman. I was even in the room with Batman, that day Batman was an old man with a British accent. 2.) I was also in the same room as Batman that time...

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1.) I hope there’s a Lovecraft Elder God named Y’ghatsi but pronounced “Yahtzee”. 2.) Is an unreliable narrator a narr-do-well? 3.) A parody of “Night Moves” about a ren faire guy working on his ...

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1.) If you need to know LA, ask Zevon. If you need to know NY, ask Lou Reed. Ask Neil Young about anything in-between. 2.) Everything you grew up with felt like things that always were and always...

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1.) Any sale on DVDs of The Hobbit should be legally required to be displayed with a “Bilbo Bargains!” sign. 2.) If you attempt to go viral with a video of your child Crazy Gluing their hat to a ...

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1.) When there’s a sale announced at the local BDSM dungeon, it’s important to find out if restrictions apply. 2.) Pizza crust is the best choice for coffee dipping. Life has taught me these thin...

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1.) If you focus on the bad parts of your past and hang onto resentments, you’re gonna end up hating everything in your entire life. Joy is additive. Combines. Sadness, rage, fear, these are mult...

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1.) She tried to sell the crowd on the merits of walking on poles but the speech was stilted. 2.) Every time I see the Mounties referred to as the RCMP, I briefly think they’re talking about the ...

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1.) “Flattery” suggests that I’m a liar. I don’t lie. I merely time my truths well. 2.) You know that TLC would take a pitch for a reality show about a bearded lady. YOU KNOW THIS. 3.) Why do bon...

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1.) It’s POSSIBLE there’s something more soul-numbingly depressing than the trailers for the DUMB AND DUMBER sequel. But I doubt it. 2.) The coal company announced that it was pleased they’d esca...

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1.) They’re werepeople, they become naked accountants by the light of the full moon and hate it desperately. 2.) Whenever I hear “PS2” “PS3” etc, I first imagine how NYC people call all their sch...

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1.) I wonder if the whole pitch for this FOREVER series that’s gonna bomb was a guy saying “House-lander” then leaving the room. 2.) If only it were a well-known song, a parody of King Crimson’s ...

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1.) Thor and Sif honeymooned on a lovely island off the coast of Michigan, a textbook case of Deus Ex Mackinac. 2.) Remember that if William Shakespeare had a Twitter, it’d be about 50% sex puns ...

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1.) I want a remake of that coffee ad about that cafe in Paris where at the end they flash back & the waiter is Patrick Stewart. 2.) …sweet treat Abba-Zabba… candy, you’re my only friend… swe...

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1.) It is not unpatriotic to admit those desert camouflage baseball jerseys look like someone threw up all over them. 2.) For the first time in my life, instead of berating her with my failures a...

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1.) Refurbishing Big Ben is a painstakingly delicate task but they’re working around the clock. 2.) It was the kind of day where simple air conditioning would not do. Air re-education was in orde...

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1.) Donate your unwanted phonebooks to an unfortunate weightlifter who cannot afford phonebooks of his own to tear in half. 2.) It sometimes seems as though the cat and the dog regard each other ...

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1.) How many stupid pay-to-win games do I have to block on facebook before they give me a plaque? 2.) As the sun expands to the point where Earth’s burnt to a crisp the last of us will receive a ...

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