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1.) Soon our culture will be so granular that fan-fiction will give way to friend-fiction where you write shipping stories about your friends. 2.) To paraphrase an old quote, I still cannot shake...

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1.) This time the dream was about finding awesome things in a junk shop but constantly losing them as I found new ones but… still… woken up by thinking someone was calling me. Is this gonna be a ...

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1.) You probably shouldn’t have a Proud Parent Of An Honor Student sticker above a Jesus fish unless you are actually God. 2.) When the world is invaded by gigantic tin cans, boots and tomatoes f...

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1.) I need a Dennis Hopper toy and a Price Chopper supermarket to finally drive a nail in this “Elf on a Shelf” crap. 2.) Honestly, if I ever got a tattoo, it’d probably be the X-Men Phoenix logo...

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1.) Every culture has a disgusting food it pretends to like just to mess with other cultures. Poutine. Vegemite. White America has portobellas. 2.) Re-examine your self-definitions regularly. You...

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1.) We must remember, this isn’t about America fearing terrorism, this is about debauched movie executives being blackmailed. 2.) Travel does little for longing unless travel takes you where you ...

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1.) It’s a TV dinner specifically for those who cruise depressing dating sites. It’s called Tinder Vittles. It’s… pretty terrible. 2.) What I’m really looking forward to is JJ Abrams sequel to Co...

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1.) Surprisingly, sleeping almost a day straight on my brother’s couch was actually what my destroyed back needed. The minor surgery area is still sore but all the crap from being 6‘6 and on plan...

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1.) Remember when there used to be IRC channels and they’d invade each other? We TOTALLY should’a called that “The Bay of Pings”. 2.) On a sex-advice radio show, the difference between “first tim...

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1.) If people hassle me on saying Happy Holidays, I’m just like “New Years is a holiday too!” and it throws ‘em. 2.) We drag our feet on forgiving ourselves our messed-up pasts because it’d make ...

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1.) Your new band will be called Deconstructed Flirtation. You don’t have to thank me, just cut me in on the merchandise. 2.) She used to be able to get by on her looks, he’ll always get by on hi...

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1.) Having an abscess lanced & painfully packed with gauze that has a little bit hanging out gives me more insight into menstruation, I suppose. 2.) Gallagher’s lucky I gotta go help my bro w...

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1.) Tire company lobbyists engage in radial politics. 2.) Just had an abscess the size of a kumquat lanced on my lower back. I FEEL SO ATTRACTIVE RIGHT NOW. Oh and “I can’t get this needle into y...

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1.) The fact that the Flintstones have Christmas just seals it that they’re living in the rubble of the Jetsons robot uprising. 2.) Do not be jealous of my awesome hair. Just be thankful that it ...

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1.) Saw a “bereavement counseling” service on the news that was obviously just a front for religious recruitment. How crass and exploitative. 2.) In essence I’m pretty awesome at some stuff but t...

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1.) Denying Herbie his coffee break definitely broke labour laws, dentistry desires or not. (I’d livetweet the hell out of Rudolph if it wouldn’t be tedious for you all. As a big snowbeast with u...

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1.) So he sat & he wrote “Allentown”/in a mansion on Long Island Sound/& he must’ve felt a fraud that daa-aaa-aaa-aay-aay 2.) Don’t call it “seasonal employment”. They prefer “Emmanuel la...

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1.) The best internet wrestling writer every year should receive the title “Smark Twain” and get to wear a crown or something. 2.) Oh hey, weird nightmares about time travel paradoxes trying to r...

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1.) Trelane The Squire of Gothos hella singing along to Neil Young, “Old Man Take A Look At My Life, I’m A Lot Like Q”. 2.) A more direct version of Santa Baby where she straight up offers sex fo...

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1.) Alternately, you could call America’s top fitness model “Mary. Queen of Squats” too, if that was your thing. 2.) “They say Megablocks got the Lord Of The Rings license.” “Oh really, what’s th...

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1.) I knew he was a folkie podiatrist because of the bumper sticker that read “this machine kills plantar fasciitis”. 2.) And caller ten wins the grand prize, you DON’T have to go see Billy Joel ...

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1.) Being a cop shouldn’t put you above the law. It does but it shouldn’t. 2.) Power doesn’t deserve respect. It must be questioned in the form of an answer. 3.) Slavery is the American original ...

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1.) If killing external keyboards for a laptop was the same as killing a person, I would be history’s greatest monster. 2.) You don’t learn much of anything by knowing how they treat their kings....

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1.) Going for the Two-Joint Conversion 2.) Calling the Infield-High Rule 3.) Bringing in The Nickel Package 4.) Dank Aaron 5.) Laying down a sacrifice blunt 6.) Ping-Bong 7.) Fooling them with...

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1.) I’ve gotten to be so many different people in so many places that it’s almost unfair to ask to begin again. But here I am, asking anyway. 2.) It’s not just gold prospecting to Dan… it’s meaty...

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