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1.) Being a cop shouldn’t put you above the law. It does but it shouldn’t. 2.) Power doesn’t deserve respect. It must be questioned in the form of an answer. 3.) Slavery is the American original ...

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1.) If killing external keyboards for a laptop was the same as killing a person, I would be history’s greatest monster. 2.) You don’t learn much of anything by knowing how they treat their kings....

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1.) Going for the Two-Joint Conversion 2.) Calling the Infield-High Rule 3.) Bringing in The Nickel Package 4.) Dank Aaron 5.) Laying down a sacrifice blunt 6.) Ping-Bong 7.) Fooling them with...

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1.) I’ve gotten to be so many different people in so many places that it’s almost unfair to ask to begin again. But here I am, asking anyway. 2.) It’s not just gold prospecting to Dan… it’s meaty...

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1.) At least Goofus was honest about who he was. Gallant was clearly some kind of serial killer, doing it all as cover. 2.) Alternating bemusement & revulsion toward the portrayal of beatniks...

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1.) A “Desperado” parody about some suburban jackass with no need for a truck driving a Silverado? 2.) Iron Chef never needed to be an hour long, it was always mostly just people stalling for thy...

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1.) I ain’t a Wesley, I just Crusher a lot. 2.) Has there been a prison love story called ROMEO & JOLIET yet? 3.) TV news, propped up by retail ads, created Black Friday as a cultural idea to...

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1.) To opendiary friends on prosebox, I am sorry I’m a crappy noter on that platform. I dunno, it’s a very different format, I’ll try to get better. I am reading, though! 2.) I’m astonished Denny...

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1.) The better question is if gingersnaps have souls. Because if they do, I am history’s greatest monster. 2.) Times like these, man, I just want a car and a clever woman by my side, I could do a...

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1.) The epitaph on western civilization’s grave: “rich people are ruining everything (please make me one of them)” 2.) When the frat’s plane crashed in the desert. the survivors were left to wand...

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1.) Work when there’s work to be done but don’t work just to work, you’ve nothing to prove to anyone. We are here to fart around and dream. 2.) Sallie Mae only calls when she wants money, she tot...

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1.) Nothing’s better for curing meat than penicillin, if you think about it. 2.) If you’re gonna put Skeletor in a car commercial, you render all other car commercials disappointing forever. 3.) ...

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1.) The weirdest idea I’ve ever had for a sitcom was titled HANGIN’ WITH JAMES FENIMORE COOPER. 2.) Dear gas station ad, you can’t call your gas “a full tank of freedom” unless you give it away. ...

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1.) Her time at the chiropractor was a real disc appointment. 2.) Science fiction pro-tip: when we write about time travel, we’re writing about romantic regrets we want to take back. 3.) It’s abo...

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1.) Fido hates being labeled as a “cocaine addict”. He prefers “drug sniffing dog”. 2.) The greatest product placement ever would have been “No Old Country Buffet For Old Men” and they blew it. T...

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1.) Scientology’s Hollywood presence makes me wonder how BATTLEFIELD EARTH never got a television adaptation as MY NAME IS TERL. 2.) It feels like the popularity of the recent Battlestar Galactic...

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1.) If you were hideously deformed, you could mingle about the world by going to comic-cons claiming to cosplay something “really obscure”. 2.) I haven’t seen a Dalek-shaped bong yet. I’m honestl...

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1.) They’re the hipster Transformers, the Deconstructicons. They’re… pretty terrible. 2.) How many fantasy teams will be called Brutal Rebels of the Hellscape? 3.) It’s impossible for the Dumb &a...

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1.) I ran my entire emotional gamut from self-pity to mocking my own self-pity to screaming. 2.) “I haven’t even done it yet,” she said, “and I’m already pregretting it.” 3.) Watch who you say “s...

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1.) A Cockwork Orange #FilmsWithOneLetterMissing 2.) The Empire Trikes Back #FilmsWithOneLetterMissing 3.) Eternal Sunshine Of The Potless Mind #FilmsWithOneLetterMissing 4.) Full Meta Jacket #Fi...

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1.) It’s amazing that a high-profile show could be doomed from the start simply by how awful the title was but… SELFIE managed it. 2.) Have we already done Avengers 2/The Amazing Spader-Man jokes...

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1.) Thought of the night: if I have any unsettled wrongs I’ve committed, please clue me in, I’m trying to clear my karmic decks, so to speak. 2.) The least terrible Billy Joel song is “This Is ...

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1.) I know feeding religious fanatics to the lions is way out of style but don’t the Duggars make you feel just a little bit nostalgic for it? 2.) Marvel hits the bottom of the barrel with Cant-M...

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1.) Ten years ago, VANILLA ICE GOES AMISH would have only been a lazy absurd joke on a bad sketch comedy show, MADTV or whatever. Irony has turned in a circle and is gorging itself to death on it...

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1.) Most of my celebrity crushes are either comediennes or cooking show hosts. I think this clearly delineates my life priorities. 2.) The one tool we have against shadowy wealth pulling the stri...

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