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1.) Some people wanna be put up on a pedestal by their lover, some people wanna be put up on a cross. I just wanna be put up with. 2.) Even my dreams are in summer re-runs. 3.) Using dating sites...

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1.) Shia LaBoeuf looks more like Dustin Diamond with every passing day. 2.) It’s a show about lifeguards who save white hipsters from drowning in culturally appropriated slang. It’s called “Baewa...

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1.) Richard Gere plays a newspaper columnist haunted by a He-Man figure that can predict the future in THE MOSSMAN PROPHECIES. 2.) Make a jam out of bacon and real Kentucky bourbon, call it “KY J...

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1.) If Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri had to fight to the death, no matter who lost, everyone would win. An inverse Alien Vs Predator. 2.) Mohawk Valley Fact: the gun that killed Kurt Cobain was built ...

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1.) Or, you know, a Clockwork Orange themed Moot The Hoople parody “All The Young Droogs”. 2.) All we need to do is write a terrible soft rock song about a terrible mixed-drink then sell the nami...

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1.) I definitely enjoy pronouncing the word “warthog” as if it were “war thog”. Like a caveman general or something. 2.) A line of ads for Cocoa Puffs starring Sonny Coreleone instead of Sonny th...

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1.) The Mothman Radio Hour Prophecies would be my favourite show on NPR. 2.) If your sex bakery fetishizes modestly-chested women, call it Cupcakes. If your sex bakery fetishizes muscle men, call...

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1.) Being a Mets fan is a great way to train us to weather all kinds of set-backs and humiliations in the rest of our lives. 2.) If I could draw well, I’d certainly be working on a web-comic call...

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1.) The coolest opportunity I’ve ever been afforded as a performer is worth five weeks of the goofiest sideburns ever. 2.) Trance Formers: Activate Third Eyes. 3.) The perfect is the enemy of the...

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1.) Drinking fountains hate tall people. I almost fall over bending that far. 2.) If the shoe fits, that doesn’t mean you should wear it. It might well be ugly or stank as hell or, you know, it m...

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1.) I am a noble yeti/I like to eat spaghetti/my night-times are driven/by dreams of large women/and the poems of Ferlinghetti 2.) Because English is interesting, you can be the most handsome man...

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1.) Please stop switching me over to Top Stories, facebook. Please. For God’s sake. You’re making everyone look like stalkers who comment on stuff buried deep in each other’s timelines. Facebook,...

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1.) If “Dadbod” is an Actual Thing now, I’m declaring myself Hot-Fat. I am Hot-Fat as hell. 2.) It’s a deus ex mackinac. It means “god in northern Michigan”. 3.) Screw quiet desperation. We may s...

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1.) You are made out of almost exactly the same stuff Lou Reed was made out of so you have a chance to be awesome too. 2.) I’ve never seen a porno parody of TERMINATOR 2 but ya know they’d do som...

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1.) I am firmly against the death penalty but I must admit that if Fast Food Line Indecision were made a capital offense I’d be more for it. 2.) Convince someone that you think the name of the Be...

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1.) Buster Keaton’s house falling down around him, leaving him unscathed, is only funny if you’re a person. Consider a house’s point of view. 2.) “I don’t get the human obsession with authenticit...

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1.) When someone says “why can’t we all just be Americans?” ask them to consider why they have the luxury to think like that. 2.) Interestingly, the zombie fad bit nerd culture and it became a sl...

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1.) It is very very difficult to say “Big Gulp” without a hint of disdain. Try it. 2.) When you meet the eye of someone you think is a god, don’t expect them to view you as the same. Because you’...

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1.) The guy in “Brandy” wasn’t a sailor at all. He was a sad little tailor from two towns over who lied romantic lies to have affairs. 2.) After that harsh winter, I welcome the heat. However, hu...

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1.) It’s less a stream of consciousness & more a dream of consciousness. We get to dream ourselves into reality for a little while. 2.) I just assumed that the YA book TUCK EVERLASTING was ab...

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1.) He was just fat and hairy enough to find himself fetishized for it. He had reached the bear minimum. 2.) If these trees would just stop having sex, maybe I wouldn’t have the worst sinus heada...

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1.) Whenever I pinch a picture larger on a touch-screen I think “enhance sector four by fifty percent” & pretend I’m in BLADERUNNER. 2.) Calling your place “M&T Bank” sort of begs for “em...

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1.) Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the greatest name for a band ever would be “Lee Marvin Oswald”. 2.) It seems like the easiest way to conceal your sex toys would be to hide them in plain sight dis...

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1.) I get to do amazing things. I struggle to find work and my love life is nil but I get to do amazing things. I get to write for puppets. I get to be a published poet. I get to do a booked thin...

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1.) What type of belt does Holier-Than-Thou Karate Champion have? HE DOESN’T KNOW, HE CAN’T SEE COLOUR. 2.) Even if hover cars were a thing, how would they be more cost effective than a wheeled c...

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