Entries 3,482
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1.) Sometimes the responsible thing to do is not to take on commitments then go crazy fulfilling them rather knowing when not to at all. 2.) Peas in guacamole is an avacadon’t. 3.) “Celebrate” an...
72
1.) When you intentionally deny someone the joys of a slow cooker, you’re just being a crock tease. 2.) When I am invariably early to an event, I can pass it off as dedication to the cause instea...
71
1.) Oh man. Downgrading from Fezzik muttonchops to healthy sideburns is SO NICE. 2.) The idea some people like Trump because he’s “anti-elite” even though he’s a multimillionaire pretending to be...
less lazy barrage
1.) I sing the body eclectic. 2.) Did you know youtube’s full of preppers trying to one-up each other on how prepared they are for the endtimes? It’s FASCINATING. 3.) Willard Scott as an 8-bit Ni...
lazy barrage 6
1.) I am loving watching bigots decide that if everyone can get married, we have to abolish courts. They wanna take their ball home SO bad. 2.) Kids LOVE methods of transport with human faces. 3....
lazy barrage 5
1.) Has Ben and Jerrys released “Death Cab Tofutti” yet? 2.) Maybe some day a politician will get caught having sex with a mediocre pop star and he’ll be Taylor Swiftboated. 3.) What doesn’t kill...
lazy barrage 4
1.) Don’t believe them when they say Pregamergate is just about ethics in drinking before doing journalism. 2.) Hollywood, please at least never reboot Popeye as someone who vapes, okay? You can ...
lazy barrage 3
1.) The pan-flutist was of course asked to take a long walk off a short Zamphir. 2.) When a witch gets knocked up out of wedlock, they don’t call it a “shotgun wedding” of course, it’s a shame-he...
lazy barrage 2
1.) If I were the villain in a ‘50s sci-fi movie, I would use the phrase “your primitive radar” as often as possible. 2.) Soon, the “Newspaper Headline As Exposition” plot-device will be complete...
lazy barrage
1.) Haley Mills teaches the next generation of mohels in the hit teen-sitcom GOOD MORNING MISS BRIS. 2.) Every once in a while, though, America surprises you and does something truly good like no...
622
1.) Having stolen Tenille from one of the top brass, he would never become The Admiral but what we do for love. 2.) When the super cute singer mentions her girlfriend, it’s ok. That means I didn’...
621
1.) Someday they’ll talk of our prison system as we speak of slavery now, a horrible thing only the worst racists would even think to defend. 2.) It wasn’t exactly a biplane, it preferred “hetero...
620
1.) Whenever people write about a DM on Twitter, I assume they’re talking about a role-playing game dungeon-master. 2.) Don’t love for who they could have been or could be. Love for who they are....
619
1.) My hair is totally on fluke. 2.) The name of your nerdcore band is Grue McClanahan. 3.) I should write a poem about “The Case Of The Missing Underwear” but not for this week. 4.) A Swedish Su...
617
1.) We’ve reached a point where national press are saying it is cool to treat autobiography as self-insert fan fiction. Astonishing. 2.) Since we call ancient people “caveman” I hope the distant ...
616
1.) Ever since “Phantom Menace” I can’t hear the line “the planet’s core” without bursting into laughter. 2.) You know what would be the worst name for a porno spoof, though? Spurticus. 3.) Using...
615
1.) Crossover fan-fiction wherein George Jetson is married to Jane Eyre. 2.) A very romantic statement would be “you make me as happy as that Star Wars card where C-3PO looks aroused”. 3.) Kombuc...
614
1.) Possibly unpopular opinion: the demo version of TMBG’s “don’t let’s start” is a better song, specifically for charming flaws. 2.) The can of student loans kicked down the street for another f...
611
1.) Yo brother’s so bluegrass, at the end of the show he gets paid in suspenders. 2.) Put everything you ever accomplished by playing it safe in your hand and you’ll be lucky if you’ve got a palm...
610
1.) The new flavours of Oreos get more and more disgusting as the sales get better and better. The Portrait of Doero Grey. 2.) Much as I love Back to the Future it’s kinda weird the 80s hadta fin...
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1.) “Why are you avoiding me? I just want to criticize you mercilessly for hours on end, why are you hiding from me?!” 2.) Your nerdcore band will be called the Grue Tang Clan. 3.) Goonies gave u...
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1.) Treat me like I’m handsome, you have no idea how far that gets with me. I’m weak to that. 2.) When things get too tense, too cold and dense, reality itself wants to climb the walls, almost as...
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1.) Every time I hear someone culturally appropriate the phrase “dat ass doe” I think they’re talking about a Bambi porn parody. 2.) God, the end of ANIMAL HOUSE still holds up, doesn’t it? There...
66
1.) When its onion rings tossed in a fattening sauce, that’s Fieri. When a fried butter bomb makes you just wanna vom, that’s Fieri. When your show needs a guy who could ruin pizza pie, that’s Fi...
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1.) “Rocky Top Tennessee” about muffin-tops? 2.) Now that Captain America has been de-powered and aged, he can date Spider-Man’s aunt. A real May-December romance! 3.) An anagram for “American” i...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
