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1.) A post-dinner nap yielded a dream about a mystical library in Canal Place full of perils, curses and historical figures that eventually spit me out in San Francisco, a place I’ve never been. ...

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1.) The major downside of fame is knowing how when you die hack paper cartoonists are going to draw tacky obvious tributes to you. 2.) I’m formally declaring copyright on the business practice kn...

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1.) Inured to regular kink, she needed weirder and weirder transgressions to get her jollies, all thanks to sinflation. 2.) Been getting “it’s amazing how different you are backstage and onstage”...

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1.) Shot up from a dead-sleep, possessed with the notion that 227 and AMEN were in a shared universe, ala the Marvel movies. 2.) Captain Picard’s phone sex is probably just all “Come!” and “Make ...

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1.) I wonder if Willie Nelson ever socked Kenny Rogers square in the mouth. Just really hauled off on him. 2.) Sometimes I wonder if we bankroll Australia just so America can say “Well, we’re not...

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1.) If it’s all boy dogs around, call it “a snausage party” and hope someone laughs. 2.) Anxiety & panic aren’t about regrets, they’re about getting overwhelmed with pregrets, regretting futu...

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1.) In the sequel, ironic hipsters join the remote viewing community in THE MEN THAT STARE AT GOBOTS. 2.) As a culture we reserve more pity and forgiveness for the misdeeds flaws and complexities...

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1.) Don’t gloat until it’s over. Assume negative outcome until outcome is certain. Anything else is a jinx. 2.) My glow in the dark skeleton playing a guitar shirt is finally deceased. Pour a 40 ...

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1.) If you’re only knocking over the moneychangers because you think you’d be a slightly better moneychanger, you ARE the problem. 2.) The religious vlogger caught in a huge hypocrisy, his excuse...

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1.) If Shaggy from Scooby-Doo were on facebook he’d like, like, everything. 2.) Calling an eggplant “eggplant” is like calling Greenland a “green land”. I guess “rubbery bitter horror-stump” woul...

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1.) I’ve finally realized how much packaged condoms look like the little pips on the top of Legos. Am I the last one to see this? 2.) Pickle is Latin for “ruined cucumber”. 3.) Laverne and Shirle...

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1.) I just learned that “Call Me Maybe” and “Friday” were from different people. I… just assumed. 2.) A cooking show hosted by Julianne Moore, just for the fact that it would be Maximum Pun. 3.) ...

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1.) Try to convince people you think that women’s fancy shoes are called “strap-ons”. 2.) Some kind of hell-fusion of Huell Howser and Rutger Hauer, rising up to save the day. 3.) When I was a li...

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1.) They don’t call the leader’s spouse in China “First Lady” but she IS the wife of The Party. 2.) Sometimes when I’m writing, I’ll paste in a few paragraphs of a related project, just to get my...

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1.) A Filipino rapper named Manila Ice is an idea waiting to be free. 2.) Whenever a tinhat starts ranting about Benghazi, pretend you think it’s the catchphrase from that horrible BIG BANG THEOR...

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1.) Putting your listicle in the form of a slideshow is your way of saying “I’d rather have ad revenue than have people read this through to the end.” 2.) Shots are just regrets in concentrated l...

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1.) Start a redneck women’s fashion line called “Camo Toe” and see how long before someone catches on. 2.) The sad thing for songwriting is there’s not that many rhymes for borscht. Porsche, mayb...

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1.) I like how this Cialis ad suggests you should be constantly ready to have sex in hotel pools or while parasailing. 2.) A regular Pablo Neurotic. 3.) Just because you’re a struggling artist do...

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1.) Evil’s just a word one charlatan uses to undercut another. Selfishness is the real destroyer of worlds. 2.) 85% of Ben Carson’s support in polling is the senile answering phone polls assuming...

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1.) Rick Perry can write all his hateful ideas down and shove them up his ass, a Texas book suppository. 2.) Put the “metal” in “metal”. Put the “teak” in “steak”, even. Subvert arbitrary constru...

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1.) JK Rowling really missed out on licensing a line of Longbottom mom jeans. 2.) There’s nothing more beautiful than the look of someone looking at you like they think you’re cute. Nothing. 3.) ...

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1.) The upside of social networking is that as I’m sitting here watching the world go by I’m doing it figuratively & also literally. 2.) Messin’ with destiny, ignorin’ causality’s thrust, com...

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1.) The idea that being non-bigoted and respectful to others is a political correctness that need be discarded makes me sick to my stomach. 2.) The king of the gods, he is not forgotten… this is ...

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1.) They say the Earth is flat because they need to believe they’re smarter than the entire collected intelligence of human history. 2.) I am goddamned adorable, other than all of my bad parts...

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1.) My favourite thing about my brother’s dog Rascal is that he is as bewildered by reality as I am. He is utterly confused by everything and is just happy when it turns out okay and also he kind...

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