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1.) The idea that being non-bigoted and respectful to others is a political correctness that need be discarded makes me sick to my stomach. 2.) The king of the gods, he is not forgotten… this is ...

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1.) They say the Earth is flat because they need to believe they’re smarter than the entire collected intelligence of human history. 2.) I am goddamned adorable, other than all of my bad parts...

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1.) My favourite thing about my brother’s dog Rascal is that he is as bewildered by reality as I am. He is utterly confused by everything and is just happy when it turns out okay and also he kind...

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1.) This week I learned that the spigot to a gas can is colloquially known as a “donkey dick”. Use this knowledge wisely. 2.) Late night U.F.O. radio is fun & all but letting people believe t...

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1.) You could trade her dumplings for sex because she was a wonton trollop. 2.) Some people won’t use a two-person dildo, even if you double-dong-dare them. 3.) All we can hope is Trump teaches l...

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1.) You know you are a television nerd when you think “Oh, young Carol Burnett, get in a time machine that I might love you.” 2.) I like to think that when reality shows end, losers are mulched a...

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1.) Naga fetishists are just looking for a piece of asp. 2.) One thing we have is that we never tried renaming Arabica beans “Freedom Coffee”. 3.) Instead of saying “interest-free payments” ads s...

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1.) Everything you think about parenting before you are actually a parent is just a bunch of preconceived notions. 2.) My favourite Christmas mash-up by far is HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY GRINCH. 3.) Se...

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1.) Youtube pixelating and stuttering accidentally replicates the old feeling of watching a dub of a dub of a dub from the old days. 2.) The pictures on toyboxes of kids playing with the product ...

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1.) On the radio, a CIA spook say in OTHER PLACES people are brainwashed into believing ends justify means. He’s projecting. 2.) On the radio, a politician rails against the size of government &a...

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1.) Stress the wrong syllables and “Robocop” sounds like an Eastern European last name. “This is my friend Vladi Ruh-BOH-cup”. 2.) The hidden extra downside to sleep apnea is that using a CPAP ma...

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1.) If you’re going to start a magazine about the finer points of charades, at least use the slogan “Aspiring Minds Want To Know!” 2.) Two guys pretend their dead boss is alive at a festival for ...

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1.) If Reddit Troll was, like, a role-playing alignment, Donald Trump would be the god that granted them their powers. 2.) Slim Jim claming it’s better than other cheap dried-beef-substitutes bot...

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1.) Not everyone’s prepared to stand off against Yogi and Boo-Boo but we all have our bears to cross. 2.) I wanna meet a pagan mixmaster called DJ Wicca-Wicca. 3.) A Borg Christmas song with the ...

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1.) You don’t hear enough about how penicillin is the cure for a penis that’s illin’. 2.) The superstitious Italian chef always had to carry his lucky penne. 3.) Just a bunch of beer promoters dr...

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1.) 150mg of diphenhydramine and I’m still not asleep! Hurrah acquired tolerance, I guess. 2.) He didn’t think anyone could cook as good as his mother but that was just because of his edible comp...

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1.) Why would Skynet give the Terminators names that make sense to humans like T-800, T-1000, etc? Why not just some binary stuff? 2.) Whoa-oa-oooooaaaaa, listen to the mucus, whoa-oa-ooooooaaaaa...

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1.) I like the idea of collecting defunct trophies. Cable Ace awards. XFL championship rings. The like. 2.) I kind of want a Bonzana-themed arcade fighting game so I can land a Pondo Combo. 3.) C...

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1.) I’m not running a marathon in 500% humidity tomorrow I’m waking up at 11AM in air conditioning. Point goes to me Boilermakerers. 2.) I want a mash-up of Bob Ross and Ram Dass. 3.) I mean you ...

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1.) Dwayne Johnson and the cast of Despicable Me teaming up to advertise a car with rock-and-minion steering. 2.) Dress up as a rich man and introduce your rubber toy as “Godzilla… of the MONSTER...

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1.) Has anyone done, like, a Little Emo In Slumberland comic? 2.) A series about Thor and Loki’s awkward high school experiences called “The Thunder Years”. 3.) The fact that the Star Wars SDCC s...

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1.) The optimal name for a punk band is Vom Petty. 2.) REAL TALK: Is Trump all a performance art piece to make Jeb seem moderate? The Bushes have gotten in bed with worse. 3.) When short-order co...

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1.) If you wanna end terrible reboots, you havta not go to terrible reboots, not watch ‘em w/ false hope or ironically. That’s still money. 2.) Are the very best rugby players known as “scrumlord...

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1.) Ollie is both Best Dog and Worst Dog. Ollie is Schrodinger’s Dog. 2.) A CHRISTMAS CAROL gains a whole new level if you just substitute the word “crutch” with “crotch”. 3.) They weren’t perfec...

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1.) Why are all three of Kitty Pryde’s most significant love interests all named Peter? Is it, like, Superman’s LL thing? 2.) Is there “Hogan’s Heroes” fan-fiction where Klink is secretly incompe...

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