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1.) The dog considers me a consolation prize, only worth attention when all the other humans are gone. 2.) My direct-to-video Expendables would star Reb Brown, Cameron Mitchell, Pierre Kirby, Cyn...

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1.) If you can live your life without ever changing your Twitter handle to a “wacky” Halloween name, you’ve done okay. 2.) When that candy bar you paid for doesn’t quite fall off the twisty-wire,...

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1.) We still haven’t gotten an apology for Godfather 3, no matter how much we deserve some kind of mea coppola. 2.) I am enchanted by the idea of a fake Pope wandering the world, meeting with rig...

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1.) Why some people consider abandoning their humanity to become a “brand” is an upgrade is goddamn beyond me. 2.) facebook will own your dog unless you bury three elf eyelashes at the foot of an...

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1.) Picture or video-based social networking is my “I’m too old now” cut-off. Text-based for me. YOUR LOSS, INSTAPERISINTEREST! 2.) Leave it to humans to take something amazing like the moon and ...

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1.) About the only Star Wars tie-in we don’t have yet is potato-shavings dyed black and called Vader Tots. 2.) Gotta have some super hipster special sriracha pumpkin spice title for a moon to car...

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1.) The moon takes almost no note of you. The sun none whatsoever at all. It’s okay. In a life this short, use it to your advantage. 2.) A reodorant brand called Voms Of Maine. 3.) She went on th...

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1.) If I ever get a seahorse, I’m naming her Landbiscuit. 2.) If Chris Christie and Donald Trump had a son, he would be Billy Fuccillo. Search your feelings, Jedi, you know it to be true. 3.) If ...

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1.) My favourite 80s British pop group/anime mash-up is definitely Bananaranma. 2.) The process by which Fonzie or Steve Urkel, as examples, took over their respective shows is known as the Mayna...

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1.) The video game didn’t get Santa’s belly right, they need to improve their jingle physics. 2.) You know, though, if we found photographic evidence of Trump screwing a pig corpse, the right win...

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1.) I definitely remember the locations of the hidden heart containers in original Zelda faster than my own social security number. 2.) Squealin’ on your dealer in your sleep is called narclepsy....

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1.) “How do I play the Webster game on Steam?” Lou asked. “Just read the e-manual, Louis!” she responded. 2.) I wonder how often Nolan Ryan has been asked to sign photos of Robin Ventura. “Just s...

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1.) Here’s a sad thing to think about: teenagers today would think the title of the film SFW stands for “Safe For Work”. 2.) Time travelers unionized and now can only be fired with just causality...

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1.) In this set of dreams, I was tortured with rose thorns for not understanding abstract math then someone stole all the ID in my wallet and replaced it with counterfeit lottery tickets but left...

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1.) The Professor saw there were two women way out of his league on that boat plus an elderly couple and a gay couple. He did as we all would. 2.) We try to force destiny on ourselves through obs...

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1.) We’re just failin’ until we perfect failure so we’ll know what succeeding really means. Maybe we’ll learn success is awful! 2.) They left off the B is all, it’s the Bend Times. When all the f...

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1.) An album of romantic sea shanties called “Love Is In The Arrrr”. 2.) At this point, I find spam e-mails from fake Viagra suppliers less offensive than linkedin invites. 3.) It’s a breakfast s...

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1.) Steamrollers are the sincerest form of flattening. 2.) Start a rumour that Syracuse’s football team is bad because of a curse & the only way to lift it is to forgive my student loans. 3.)...

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1.) Some of the funniest early colour cartoons were about the madness brought on by starvation. 2.) Step 1: Create a smoking device that looks like Taco Bell food. Step 2: call it “the burrito bo...

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1.) Never forget but never hate blindly either. A handful of brainwashed zealots tried to light a holy war. Extinguish it with love. 2.) She listened to the Beatles all the time. She listened to ...

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1.) Was asked to run for City Council today. Happily, this very feed long ago rendered me unelectable. Thanks, facebook and twitter! 2.) In the future everyone will get 21,600 selfies of fame. 3....

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1.) Someday, I’d like to be hosting a Q&A where I can say “question in the back…” and then blurt out “PARTY UP FRONT!” 2.) If you explained to Mike Huckabee that baby carrots are actually jus...

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1.) Straight Outta Commas… Compensating With Ellipses 2.) Your band will be called Jack Kerouvorkian. 3.) They mostly just embrace the idea of the End Times out of laziness because if we’re doome...

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1.) The one-ring was made out of cheese, to in the darkness bind them up. 2.) Get the phrase “Totally 80s” tattooed on your throat. When asked, proclaim yourself a radneck. 3.) Decency is not dis...

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1.) All these ads about cell plans with high-speed data and none of them have Brent Spiner running in them. Lost opportunity. 2.) So I forgot how Beard + Poppyseed Bagel = endless poppyseeds in b...

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