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1.) Take pictures of your normal cat doing normal cat things. Caption them: “Normal Cat etc etc”. Start a counter-meme. 2.) Gyro Gearloose shrinks Huey Dewey & Louie down to perform Scrooge’s...

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1.) Video game sound designers don’t use voice actors for injured grunts they just record the sounds of their first poop of the day. 2.) The more you give into the grammar and spellings of textin...

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1.) You don’t have to download the Star Wars Holiday Special, just reconstruct it from the clips in 50,000 reviews of it on youtube. 2.) Defending yourself with a miasma of dirty jokes, a sort of...

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1.) I propose legislation forcing a change to the labeling of “white chocolate” to “milk wax” forever and ever. 2.) Twitter Macbeth would include the line: “is this a housecat that I see before m...

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1.) Next fall, let’s start the most glam pumpkin patch ever and call it The Velvet Gourd Mine. 2.) Linguistically, it bothers me when a singing group that doesn’t play instruments a “band”. This ...

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1.) No matter how good or bad my waking life has been & it has been awful & it has been amazing my dreams have always been far worse. Dunno why. 2.) Writing is 1% the work and 99% trying ...

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1.) Good thing about Trump is he shows the right wing has nothing left but racism & conspiracy theories to hang on, all else is proven failure. 2.) Dear McDonalds, who in the name of Christ e...

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1.) “In Soviet Russia, mic drops YOU!” would be the most meta mic drop line ever. 2.) 83% of memes built around the premise “oh man, this person’s text/tweet/facebook post is hilariously ignorant...

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1.) Even if I was ever into hibbity-jibbity I can’t imagine casting the I-Ching, I’d feel too much like a Batman villain. 2.) Whenever I read a “Mens Rights Activist” online, I imagine him talkin...

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1.) When I REALLY like the first draft of a poem it scares me because then it’s 50/50 if it’s good or actually really really bad. 2.) Trying to remind myself I am pretty rad I do some pretty rad ...

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1.) Performing, even material with an element of self-effacement, makes me feel handsome and confident in a way I rarely do otherwise, I dunno. 2.) Just realized that every time a rapper refers t...

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1.) We wouldn’t have Taco Tuesday at the cafeteria for my super-villain underlings, though there would be henchiladas. 2.) From a certain point of view, America had kneecapped Tonya Harding from ...

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1.) Deep Space Nine was named after Jerry Garcia’s hands. 2.) What’s orange, rocky and plays a sick guitar? B.B. THING 3.) Inside Schrodinger’s Box is either “I have a boyfriend” or “I don’t have...

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1.) Snyder, man, Snyder, man, ruins comics like no one can… 2.) The big twist at the end of Dick Tracy was that all he really wanted was to fill in The Blank. 3.) We’re not just unbelievers, we’r...

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1.) INT is knowing Frankenstein wasn’t the monster. WIS is knowing the doctor was the monster. CHA is avoiding this reference entirely. 2.) The Christmas season is a scary story pine trees tell t...

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1.) Get a tattoo of Nightcrawler, just above your butt. Call it your Bamfstamf. 2.) On the off-chance I ever get a cash-in wine brand, it will be called “Ugly Label Wine”. The label will be AMAZI...

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1.) Even Genghis Khan knew, if you wanna build an empire, you gotta go one steppe at a time. 2.) The next step in horror meta is a movie about the cast/crew of a failed horror movie getting kille...

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1.) “Poppy,” Jeb whined to his father, “you should have named me Jed so I could piggyback on the Star Wars hype!” 2.) All these people want the world to break so some god can tell them who won an...

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1.) Talking about mental illness after mass shootings makes sense but if we’re not also talking about cultural illness, we’re fixing nothing. 2.) What do you like or dislike about you? These are ...

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1.) Maybe tomorrow’s the start of a grand new adventure. No particular idea what that would be but here’s hoping. 2.) All he had left was his foolish pride but when he found out they were just pe...

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1.) The insistent frat boy wouldn’t take bro for an answer. 2.) I like how Smashmouth named their band after what their music makes your fist want to do. 3.) If you can’t stand the heat, get out ...

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1.) Nightmare included: bafflingly complex scratch tickets, trapped in an evil amusement park, tooth loss, broken glasses, terrorist attacks. 2.) I’m thankful for the family and close friends who...

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1.) Water’s the universal solvent but short-term investing is the universal insolvent. 2.) Strip Thanksgiving of all the colonial mythology, go back to Lincoln’s idea of a plain day of secular th...

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1.) That “I am Spartacus!” scene would’ve been a lot more interesting if his name had been John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt. 2.) H.R. HUFFINGSTUFF was the ill-conceived children’s show of Sid and N...

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1.) A common schoolgirl prank for mermaids was, of course, the dry willie. 2.) Were football invented today, we’d get 3 plays into the 1st game before everyone was sued into oblivion. Not sure th...

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