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1.) The horses don’t believe in me but they’ve always been naysayers. 2.) It is almost impossible to believe David Bowie’s dead. It has to be a hoax. I’ve seen that man fend off a hurricane. 3.) ...

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1.) If I had a mortal enemy frozen in carbonite, I’d sure as hell draw on his face with markers and stuff. 2.) The best thing about being a tv/film burnout is not having to pretend to give a damn...

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1.) If Rey turns out to be Luke’s kid, does that mean when she was piloting the Falcon she was in Uncle Han’s Cabin? 2.) Yosemite Sam, at customs at the airport, saying “I do declare!” so many ti...

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1.) I’m sure there are Esperanto rappers somewhere but are there any GOOD ones? 2.) “Oh we had YA when I was a kid, back then we called it Comic Books” is the most Old Man thought I’ve ever had. ...

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1.) They’re rebooting “Moon Knight” AGAIN again? Marvel, baby, you gotta know when to let go. He ain’t happening. 2.) Hipsters only eat Normal Ranch Doritos from before it was Cool. 3.) If only L...

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1.) 2000 Flushes needs to sell a slightly larger product, shaped like a rectangular monolith, named 2001 Flushes. 2.) Christopher Robin’s brief period as a beat poet is best known for his perform...

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1.) The trick is to wait until March or April to go to the gym twice then give up so no one treats you like a January-Only. 2.) It’s weird. It’s right there that it’s about a well-regulated milit...

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1.) “Life Is A Highway” is a fun song but it’s probably hell to play it 230 gigs a year. 2.) Actually, Admiral Akbar was a lot like Luke, he himself rose from the station of simple oyster farmer....

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1.) Believe in anything you can’t prove too much and pretty soon, you’re a hammer & everything that disagrees is a nail. Don’t believe too much. 2.) Barney from the Flintstones’ reckless yout...

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1.) Online frustration leads to furrowed browsers. 2.) If only Roddy Piper was still alive, I could tell him to rap under the name “Ghostface Kilter”. It would’a been rad. 3.) Sometimes you gotta...

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1.) Happy New Year. This year I’mma try to stop holding myself back so much, let myself go for the good stuff instead of sitting around in doubt. That’s my resolution thing and I hope it works. I...

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1.) Law and Order: Special Victuals Unit would only investigate food crimes. Guy Fieri would be like the Kingpin. 2.) In 2016, I’ll stop expecting someone or something other than myself to save m...

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1.) Jokey Smurf is suspected of the terrorist bombing of Papa Smurf with an improvised celebratory device. Mr. Smurf remains at tiny. 2.) Star Wars The Force Awakens except with 90s alt-rocker Po...

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1.) If the theme of your prom is anti-hipster, pin flowers made out of bread to your dates, call them Gluteneers. 2.) I’m just a “Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and Chill” man in a “Netflix and Chi...

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1.) If a Stormtrooper landed on a bed of peanut noodles, it’d be a Pad Thai TIE pad. 2.) If the warm-up to your set is someone shooting ping-pong balls out of their ass or vadge, that’s an openin...

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1.) The difference between the exceptional and the plain ol’ exceptions is subtle and will be at best born out over time, if at all. 2.) Dear England, please stop pretending to pronounce “Zebra” ...

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1.) Open up a pro-wrestling themed restaurant called Grapplebees. 2.) Dog knocked over the tree. Isn’t it supposed to be the cats that do that? 3.) Put creative effort into decorating your front ...

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1.) Merry Holiday, friends. It’s been a weird rough 2015. Thanks for enduring my gag writing practice here, in some other life I’m on a writing staff on a hit show and it keeps bleeding into this...

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1.) Rudolph and Frosty each get a vote in the yearly Hip-Hop Awards because they’re both Rankin-Bass. 2.) Refer to Presbyterians as “prezbos”. For example, “oh that Suzie Johnson, I hear she’s a ...

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1.) Ahab aimed at its mouth with a gun, he fought the maw and the maw won, he fought the maw and the maw won… 2.) Nightmare about the interplay of creation & entropy analogized thru an infini...

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1.) Turns out Razzles are neither candy NOR gum. Razzles are a legume. 2.) Having your disputes settled by ents is binding arbortration. 3.) When I’m a pin-up model for my barrel-chested lumberja...

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1.) The Santa slash-fic you write will be called “Big Man On Krampus”. 2.) Don’t get too married to your own ideas, that’s how they get inbred. 3.) At the clinic they paged Timothy McVeigh over t...

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1.) So afraid of living a balanced life, the cowardly ion. 2.) Those randos in your facebook requests who don’t know anyone you know, they’re time-traveling fans of yours, not scammers. 3.) Take ...

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1.) I’ve never gotten sick at a Taco Bell but it was only tonight that I realized that means I have superhuman powers. Stomach powers. 2.) Disguise your political protest as some kind of fan even...

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1.) If you ever become a youtube star, I only ask that your recurring first line in every video is “Catchphrase, everybody!” 2.) MRA and MRSA are only one letter apart. There are no coincidences....

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