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1.) One of our deep problems is our inability to tell the genuinely rebellious from those who just want to change who sits in the chairs. 2.) And then the most famous member of the LEGION of Supe...

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1.) Covering Baroque music requires a light touch, you have to Handel with care. 2.) A company that extracts flavour from food waste is valuable, you oughta get stock in that. 3.) People who can’...

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1.) The people who teach you to EDM are your dubstep-parents. 2.) I focus on the people pretending to cook in the far background of AMERICA’S TEST KITCHEN and imagine what they’re thinking. 3.) L...

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1.) When you empower ignorance & hate, it doesn’t matter if you’re as hateful as what you empower, what matters it what it does. A plurality of a plurality of a plurality supports a gross mon...

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1.) Meme people, we need scenes from Friends where everyone has Hillary Clinton’s head, like, STAT. 2.) If we could only invent a car that runs on urine, it would make the stickers on the cabs of...

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1.) The constant hype of almost-change, it’s verge overkill. 2.) The internet is our recursive panopticon, we must now all be either pure scouts or naked and proud in our debauchery. I choose doo...

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1.) If you pirate a copy of Star Wars Episode One, that’s grand theft watto. 2.) It appears I was 356 pounds in late December and here in late February I am 330 pounds. Oh I have so far to go. 3....

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1.) So VR is gonna be like 3-D, huh? Every few cycles, they’ll bilk early adopters and conspicuous consumers with it but ultimately disappoint. 2.) I hope that tonight my dreams don’t again invol...

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1.) Yo’ Mothra so fat, when Godzilla breathes his fire breath, she just pulls out a giant shishkabob to roast. 2.) Yo’ Mothra so fat, two Japanese women orbit around her. 3....

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1.) There aren’t a lot of “Yo’ Mothra” jokes. 2.) A musical about lawyers called Get Rich or Die Trialin’. 3.) I didn’t buy tacos on the way home, didn’t buy burgers on the way home, didn’t buy f...

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1.) Still surprised The Office never did a “Beets By Dwi” product tie-in. 2.) An “All My Exes Live In Texas” parody “When In Texas Find An Exit”? 3.) The power of Twitter is forced brevity but ho...

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1.) The good news is that the entire GOP field is a dream Roseanne is having after going crazy with grief. 2.) A FAT ALBERT reboot where Mushmouth is eloquent but just really really really likes ...

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1.) Another title I think I’m gonna self-apply in my pursuit of anti-filk enlightenment is to declare myself a “singer/songruiner”. 2.) If you run a company called “Bolt Bus” and you don’t make y...

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1.) She wanted to be the world’s most successful tow truck driver but, y’know, be careful what you winch for. 2.) It is my most fervent hope that Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s autobiography will be called...

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1.) Goddamn it, I want a Star Wars Valentine Special about the Wookie Celebration of Love Day. 2.) I love you, X-Files, but if you only get six episodes, devoting two to comically deconstructing ...

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1.) If you’re going to meld nostalgic cartoons with horrifying Bible stories, I’d certainly start with G.I. JOB. 2.) Ultimately, we are all wooden clogs painted up to look like boss Chuck Taylors...

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1.) When you consider the lifespans of cats & mice Tom was probably battling generations of Jerries mistakenly thinking they were all one mouse. 2.) Open a BDSM pizzeria called “Toppings”. Wh...

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1.) Corner a generation with medical bills, student loans & subsistence jobs. Give us nothing to lose. See what happens. 2.) It shouldn’t matter but when I go to another state & see thei...

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1.) Good news: finally got a scrip for muscle relaxants for my terrible lower back. Bad news: I’m on a blood sugar medicine for the first time ever too. 2.) Sometimes you gotta be forgetful to ke...

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1.) Reminder: our nation is so hopped up on hillbilly heroin, there was a Super Bowl ad for a pill that lets you poop when constipated from opiods. 2.) It’s a shame Disney is so litigious because...

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1.) Did the trailer for “How To Be Single” just tell women to promise sex to their boyfriends in exchange for going to the film? 2.) On the walls of Roman temples from right before the fall, ther...

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1.) Before inventing vaping, Dr. William Vape was the leading publisher of erotica on the theme of giving R2D2 a blow job. 2.) This relatively mild winter is playing havoc with the boardrooms of ...

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1.) Like the mighty yeti, there is just enough fleeting footage of me on youtube that you could make an argument that I exist. 2.) High-end knife terms that sound like personals ads shorthand: sw...

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1.) Truffle Ruffles are a great idea, linguistically, but probably terrible on a functional level. 2.) When fighting skeletons in a role-playing game, you gotta get lich or die tryin’. 3.) Yes, s...

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1.) Are you in a depressed community? Are you sublimating its vibe? You may have Regional Affective Disorder or R.A.D. 2.) In the rare case you know a hillbilly who fancies himself a spy. a good ...

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