Entries 3,460
Page 114 of 139
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1.) Like the mighty yeti, there is just enough fleeting footage of me on youtube that you could make an argument that I exist. 2.) High-end knife terms that sound like personals ads shorthand: sw...
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1.) Truffle Ruffles are a great idea, linguistically, but probably terrible on a functional level. 2.) When fighting skeletons in a role-playing game, you gotta get lich or die tryin’. 3.) Yes, s...
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1.) Are you in a depressed community? Are you sublimating its vibe? You may have Regional Affective Disorder or R.A.D. 2.) In the rare case you know a hillbilly who fancies himself a spy. a good ...
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1.) We knew he’d eventually boast about killing the lieutenant, he was full of fraggadocia. 2.) I’ve never seen ARROW so I’m assuming the guy with the Magneto helmet is called “Captain Not-In-The...
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1.) “This medicine will help you with asthma! WARNING: may cause you to die of asthma.” America. 2.) The cat does not realize that I am slightly allergic to him and that past a certain point, he ...
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1.) If you think I’m grumpy about not being able to find a day job, boy howdy, I am a typhoon of resentment on a diet. Oh Lord. 2.) The snuggle is real. Or, anyway, it would be. 3.) Banksy is too...
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1.) He didn’t like his lovers too too thin, he liked their thighs as thick as sin. 2.) Rommel The Third, you magnificent bastard, I read your tweets! 3.) Some practice monogamy because it is thei...
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1.) A barista themed wrestler with moves like The French Press and The Red-Eye. 2.) You get on the bus to L.A. because you think you’re already perfect to be a star and when you get off, she disa...
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1.) Ponder what it really means to drive a car in your brand-new existential Chrysler. 2.) Money is also a social construct but that doesn’t make it go away either. There’s work to be done. 3.) M...
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1.) That tacky-ass “Don’t Tread On Me” flag that “militia” love is like a bad over-explained editorial cartoon in flag form. 2.) Bible thumpers & fascists decrying the “death of white culture...
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1.) TRUE CONFESSIONS: I still don’t know what the goddamn poke thing on facebook means or is for. 2.) I’m surprised that Uber and Lyft don’t call their oppressed gig-economy-serfs “Venture Carpoo...
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1.) We never found Carmen Sandiego because she dressed up as Where’s Waldo and slipped away forever. 2.) The later we succeed, the later we collapse into success-sheltered self-parody, this is ou...
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1.) Trump’s just mainstream G.O.P. I mean Cheney shot a guy and he stayed in power. 2.) I snuck a small Bowie reference into my tribute poem to Roger Smith, I hope neither of them minded. 3.) Our...
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1.) FAKE FACT: the alma mater song at Iona College is a slightly reworked version of Primus’ “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver”. 2.) Haven’t grown my beard out this much in a long time, I forgot about t...
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1.) When you’re waiting for your epidural to kick in, that’s the spinal countdown, d-d-dun-dun d-d-dun-dun-dun. 2.) UNPOPULAR OPINION: I LIKE Ford’s bored voice-over reading at the end of Bladeru...
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1.) GAMIFY YOUR PARADIGM. BE THIRSTY FOR FLEEK RETURN ON INVESTMENT. ABANDON LANGUAGE ENTIRELY FOR A SALAD OF RECENT JARGON. 2.) Orange Julius used to have a companion restaurant Orange Ethel but...
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1.) Burger King, when you call them “Golden Nuggets” it is a suspicious evasion. What percentage of these things are silly putty? 2.) Doubt keeps you honest but too much doubt keeps you quiet. It...
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1.) I hate how we call mercenaries “contractors” now like they’re architects in the little trailers behind construction sites. 2.) Overuse of Fireball is threatening biodiversity for the Dungeons...
my best barrage ever
1.) If the Democratic Debates were Gilligan’s Island, O’Malley would just be called “And The Rest”. 2.) An app for lumberjacks looking for casual encounters with each other called Timbr. 3.) A pa...
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1.) I still don’t know how PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES exploded as a premise and not JANE AUSTEN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL WOMAN OF BORING. 2.) Nightmares last night involved being naked in p...
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1.) If you don’t believe that they dump all the crap movies in January, watch the trailers for “50 Shades of Black” and “The Boy”. 2.) We’re losing all these geniuses so fast, someone’s gonna hav...
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1.) We joked for decades “here’s proof that Western Civilization is done” & then the Trump candidacy came along & it wasn’t funny anymore. 2.) “Where’s Superman?” the Martian Manhunter as...
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1.) If someone’s annoying you, just whip around and be all “WHAT’S YOUR BEEF, STEW?” 2.) When you start expanding your paid insult business, you’re gonna end up diss enfranchised. 3.) With the lo...
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1.) One myth about militia douches is they call themselves “minutemen” because of revolutionary history as opposed to their sexual dysfunction. 2.) Mainstream successful bands never really “break...
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1.) I wonder if Christopher Walken ever used the pick-up line “Let your fingers do the Walken.” 2.) The Oscar Wilde-themed stand-up comedy set was totally bombing, his forehead was covered in fop...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
