Entries 33
Page 1 of 2
Making Love on the Bathroom Floor
"It wasn't me" "Don't pull the Shaggy defence on me!"
Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
"What are you doing?" "I'm looking on Shakira's Facebook Page to try and find something. I swear she had a photo of herself holding a pug who was wrapped in the Colombian flag" "Wouldn't it jus...
Consanguinity
Conversation with Lena who (apart from from Catherine) is my longest serving female friend Me: "That one time we shared a hotel room together and we didn't even hook up" Lena: "Dude! We're best...
Ask Voltaire
"Freedom of Speech is the liberty to say what you like, not a freedom from any kind of criticism if the views you freely express happen to be ill thought out rubbish."
Stop! You're Making Me Giddy!
"A Nuremberg of drapes, dry ice and stark lighting, where the powers that be force you to click through a series of online profile pictures before sending you on a blind date with your own body" ...
Why I'm Voting UKIP (Part 2)
Because... I'm Racist I'm pro-rape I prefer to work more hours for less pay, unpaid annual leave, no sickness benefits and no security against being arbitrarily fired I fear homosexual rain wiz...
Why I'm Voting UKIP (Part 1)
For the benefit of my American readers UKIP is our equivalent of your Tea Party. These were various reasons I decided I would vote for UKIP in the election we just had 1: As a Colombian I alread...
It had dice in the mirror
"Watching Remembrance of the Daleks. Noticing that Joseph Marcell's scene is all about how his life got flipped, turned upside down..."
Which Romulan Is Called Will?
Kira Taban: "I can hear the Prophets calling me Nerys" Me: "Why are they calling him by his daughters name?"
Pinocchio
Leslie: "Your nose healed fast" Me: "Probably because I lie so much"
Things I Wish I'd Said
"If you burn horribly to death in flames or choke to death on the smoke I won't shed any tears but unfortunately I'm employed to legally ensure your safety"
A Good Book
Karen: "Do you remember the name of the book I recommended you read?" Me: "Erm, The Bible?" This is funnier if you know that my cousin is a proselytising Jehova's Witness
It's the economy stupid!
"I bought [a book] at Foyles the other day. It was only three quid so it was practically free" "You really don't understand economics do you?"
No Mum's Were Harmed in the Making Of This Joke
"I've got a little Indian in me" "You had sex with Andy?" "No! My Mum!" "Your Mum had sex with Andy?!"
Too Soon
"Are you sure you're not gonna come to the restaurant?" "I've already eaten thanks" "Come for a drink then?" "Well.. I dunno, could I? That would be a bit weird if I didn't order food and then...
Quantum Physics
"You like Cox?" "Well there's two Brian Cox's are there? There's the actor and then there's the scientist who's a lot taller so let me be clear that I like big Cox" "Yup and that Cox certainly ...
It's Saturday Night... (Live from Helsinki)
This is a typical joke in Finland as told to me by my friend Juha. Two guys are sat in a bar in Helsinki drinking vodka. After 4 hours have passed one guy says "It's getting cold in here, shall ...
What the Dickens?!
Leslie and I are currently watching the BBC adaptation of Little Dorrit. Mr Clennam has just taken the titular heroine to a coffee shop {Onscreen}: "I have never been to such a place as this" ...
Tip of the Slongue
"Sperm deleted!" I of course meant to say spam.
Nazi Glue
"Did you really think the horse was gonna be manning a machine gun?" "Yeah of course! It's there in the title. War Horse. A Horse who fights Wars!" "Well he did kind of fight in the war" "Yeah...
All For One
"What do you call those guys who play music in the tube station again? Busketeers?"
An Engine?
"What would be the collective noun for a group of steam punk cosplayers?" "A contrivance?"
Ask Your Slippers a Question... You're Going Crazy
"Siri, What DID the Fox say?" "THE WISDOM OF FOXES IS ANCIENT AND YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW" I was NOT expecting that!
Keep Calm and Eat Pork
"Wars will come and wars will go but the sausage will go on forever" Leslie and I sometimes watch Yesterday (the UK equivalent of the History Channel) and they often air news reels and propagan...
Gender Savvy
"Spoilers, it's a boy" Overheard at an ultrasound IMPORTANT NOTE: This was a submitted quote and isn't my sneaky way of saying Leslie is pregnant. She's not.
Book Description
As a writer I soak up the odd little turn of phrases people use, overhearing them on the street or the bus. Even the term “nine dollar phrases” is stolen from my friend Adi.
I’m also prone to mangling my words and my girlfriend will usually give me the look of “What ridiculous thing have you said now” and which I will hurry to write down!
Enjoy these random pearls of wisdom. NSFW!
