help in my journal

if u have read my description, you already know that i’ve been depressed and struggling with an eating disorder for around six months now. more specifically, binge eating disorder. it’s taking over my life and it’s all i think about day and night. i don’t know how to put it to an end and i can’t take it anymore. i’m going crazy because of it. it’s ruining my life. it’s the reason i’m depressed. the amount of real breakdowns i’ve had because of it is outrageous. to me, a typical binge is eating thousands of calories in one sitting until i feel sick or like i’m going to throw up. i’ve had a crazy number of binges and it’s happening too often now. everyday now. i hate it but i don’t know how to stop. no matter what i do or how hard i try, the urge to binge is stronger than i am and always takes control. my eating disorder isn’t the only thing making me depressed. i don’t have good friends. every person who talks to me doesn’t care for me in any way. the friends i sit with at lunch don’t care about me and i know that. they make no effort in our friendship. none of my friends do. my friends that i’ve known for over seven years stopped talking to me and are terrible friends. they try to make it seem like they are nice and caring but they so aren’t. i wish they knew. the guy i like so obviously doesn’t like me back. which is fine i don’t need him to like me back. i just want him to be happy but the things he does that makes him happy makes me sad. i won’t get into it but the people he does things with just makes me sad. i am pretty shy and i’ve lost all of my confidence so i cannot and will not be able to just make new friends. my school in general isn’t very welcoming to be quite honest. also the classes at my school are difficult. last semester, one of the least favorite teachers taught my least favorite class so when you put the two together, it’s a shitshow. for a whole eighteen weeks, i had to survive his god forbidden class, world history. his class was hard for me and so i struggled on all of the quizzes and tests and he never seemed to care about his students. which whatever you don’t have to hold my hand but you can just check on me. i tried making it so obvious that i was depressed to him just do he could ask me if i was okay and i could then explain to him as to why i was failing his class because i was so ashamed of failing it in the first place. but, he never did. so, i continued walking into class. airpods in. sad music playing. head down. hood up. for eighteen weeks. i passed his class thank god. this semester, i wanted to drop my calculus for a math class i know i’d like a lot better but the class i wanted to take is full so i have to choice but to stay in calculus and before this, i thought i’d drop so i didn’t really study for our quiz because i was like oh well i’m dropping anyway so it won’t even matter. so now i have a d+ in the class and i have so much homework to make up and so much studying to do just to raise my grade to at least an a or a b. honestly a c is fine too as long as i’m passing. my other classes are fine. i just feel so lonely. i know no one in my calculus class so i just kinda sit there awkwardly and it’s isolating. i haven’t hung out with a friend in over five months i think. yeah it’s pretty sad. i’m slowly trying to piece myself up back together because i know this is all temporary and one day i’m going to look back at myself and think of how proud i am of myself for making it so far by myself. oh yeah did i mention i’m going through all of this by myself. i’m getting no help because i’m scared to and i don’t want anyone’s help. oh and i’ve had suicidal thoughts but they aren’t ones where i want to do it they’re more of thoughts like if i were to, no one would care. at all. and i know that for a fact. if i were to commit suicide, those friends that i’ve known for seven years that don’t talk to me, would not care. “oh i’ll miss her so much this is so sad” but they’ll be fine the next day. the guy i like probably won’t care. the people i sit with at lunch won’t care. no one will care. and that just makes me feel even more lonely. two people i think have commited suicide at our school. a week after, no one was talking about it anymore. i bet no one even remembers the names of the people who died. it’s fucked up. how so many bad ideas and thoughts can get inside of your head and completely take control of you and your life. control the way you think and every single decision you make. i don’t feel real. i feel like a robot. if we’re in a simulation, please stop this. i can’t handle it anymore. i want it to stop. i need it to stop. to god, i just ask why? why do you make some people naturally beautiful. fast metabolisms so they can eat junk food and stay beautiful. so they can wear whatever they want and actually like the way they look. so they can skip the gym for a week and still look beautiful. but then there’s other people who have slow metabolisms. they can’t eat whatever they want and stay skinny. if they want to look a certain way, they need to actually work for it. the work their asses off while naturally skinny people can sit there eating chips and look the same the next day. not a pound heavier. this makes so many fucknig people insecure and depressed and this is how eating disorders begin. it all causes suicide. if it causes suicide why do you do it? why not make everyone have a fast metabolism? don’t hit me with that “everyone’s beautiful in their own way” shit. i’ve heard that way too many times to believe it anymore. those words are worthless to me now. if only i was lucky and i was born with a fast metabolism and was naturally skinny like maddie ziegler or someone. if only. i would be so much happier. and i know that for a fact. i’d eat normally and not disorderly. i’d wear whatever i’d want and like what i see. i’d enjoy my life and be productive. you might be wondering how that connects in any way, it does just trust me. i’m so over this. listen my mom has always told me to pray and everything will work out but i have so many times and nothing has changed. i’ve just gotten worse. and now this whole metabolism making everyone different thing. it’s so unfair. so fucking unfair. i cannot and will never be able to understand how he just decided to make every human being different in terms of their body and assume everyone would be happy with that. how did that make sense. anyway. i’m tired of typing. if you read this entire thing, thank you. thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about me and my life. it means a lot to know people out there care in a way about anything i have to say. so thanks, really. i’ll probably end up writing in here more often because it’s kinda therapeutic for me in a way. hope to write back soon. treat people with kindness and spread peace, love, and positivity. thanks bye.